and i don't like when nothing's going my way
everything is just a mess.
everything is perfect.
i don't know what to do with myself.
explanation maybe?
ok so tom and i... well we're so happy... and that scares me. what if i can't do this? be in a healthy, normal relationship i mean. can i live without the drama, and the pain?
god i hope so.
its like im so afraid of being okay, because then what? just sit there?
if nothing's wrong, then how do i know when it's right?
god this is so fucked up.
i want to make him so happy. i dont know how though. i know how to make him cry, and hate me and hate himself and want to give up on love. that i can do. but can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy?
i really want to. because he made me feel. after august i literally burned every bridge i could think of, i tore down any feelings for anyone and made it so that nothing could hurt me. because losing august felt like losing myself. and i swore i would never ever ever let anyone that close again.
so close that i felt what he felt. i could tell you how he was feeling before he could. he could tell you how i was feeling before i even knew i was feeling anything at all.
we were like one person. except we didnt want to be. and we fought so much. i never thought i could be that in love and hate someone so much at the same time. i saw things in him that i didn't want to see in me. and it killed me. so i'd fight. and he'd fight because that's who we are. that's how our dad's made us.
but then after it was over i felt empty. and alone. and like i didn't have anyone. he was my best friend in the whole world for two years and i gave it up. i felt so stupid. like i'd ruined our friendship to date him. then i just went numb. i hooked up with some guys. even a girl. but it was just physical. sometimes just boredom. sometimes just habit. then i tried to turn another friendship into more and lost it too.
and then i met tom.
at first, it was just a hookup, i didn't plan for anything more. then we hung out every day. and then i woke up in his arms one day and i realized that i didn't want to be anywhere else.
and now im scared. because im in love. and i dont want to hurt him, or get hurt.
fuck.
everything is perfect.
i don't know what to do with myself.
explanation maybe?
ok so tom and i... well we're so happy... and that scares me. what if i can't do this? be in a healthy, normal relationship i mean. can i live without the drama, and the pain?
god i hope so.
its like im so afraid of being okay, because then what? just sit there?
if nothing's wrong, then how do i know when it's right?
god this is so fucked up.
i want to make him so happy. i dont know how though. i know how to make him cry, and hate me and hate himself and want to give up on love. that i can do. but can i make him happy? can i make anyone happy?
i really want to. because he made me feel. after august i literally burned every bridge i could think of, i tore down any feelings for anyone and made it so that nothing could hurt me. because losing august felt like losing myself. and i swore i would never ever ever let anyone that close again.
so close that i felt what he felt. i could tell you how he was feeling before he could. he could tell you how i was feeling before i even knew i was feeling anything at all.
we were like one person. except we didnt want to be. and we fought so much. i never thought i could be that in love and hate someone so much at the same time. i saw things in him that i didn't want to see in me. and it killed me. so i'd fight. and he'd fight because that's who we are. that's how our dad's made us.
but then after it was over i felt empty. and alone. and like i didn't have anyone. he was my best friend in the whole world for two years and i gave it up. i felt so stupid. like i'd ruined our friendship to date him. then i just went numb. i hooked up with some guys. even a girl. but it was just physical. sometimes just boredom. sometimes just habit. then i tried to turn another friendship into more and lost it too.
and then i met tom.
at first, it was just a hookup, i didn't plan for anything more. then we hung out every day. and then i woke up in his arms one day and i realized that i didn't want to be anywhere else.
and now im scared. because im in love. and i dont want to hurt him, or get hurt.
fuck.