julie, my nightmare
i woke up this morning sobbing but they were dry sobs, until i was fully awake and realized that i had been dreaming. then, i really started to sob because i realized that even though i'd been having a nightmare, it was also my reality.
in my nightmare damien invited me over to watch a dvd with some friends. i was at his place (which, in my dream looked nothing like his other place). there were a few people over, but damien didn't sit and watch the movie with us. he was walking around, doing things. we didn't talk too much, but were civil, chipper, even. in the back of his living room there was a twin bed, like any good new york apartment, and i walked over to sit on it when i realized that the tossled sheets toward the foot of a bed were either lumpy or there was a very tiny girl laying at the foot of the bed. in my head i immediately thought it was julie. but it also really could have been just the shape of the sheets.
so i sat on the bed, and julie woke up. she and i started at each other and i think i just started screaming and throwing punches at her. i immediately became this destructive monster and started throwing heavy things at her. but she was calm. mature. i think she might have rolled her eyes, shielded her face and head with her hands and calmly walked over to damien in the other room as i continued to cry, scream and throw things at her.
i don't remember what damien said, but i'm sure it was along the lines of "stop." i followed her into what was either his or their room and ripped the door off the minifridge and flung it at her, i think.
and then, for some reason, i found a box of morton salt (which, ironically, i ran out of at my apartment yesterday and desperately need) and started pouring it on her, at which point she genuinely said "ow."
the next thing i remember is sitting on a couch in damien's apartment with some girl who looked like the red head i work with and she was comforting me, trying to get me to stop crying so that i could leave. before i left, i took with me two frames with rounded antique gold borders that had handfuls of pictures of julie arranged in them. i had smashed them. both frames had pictures of her in them, but there was one tiny picture of me in one.
i think i left and took the LIRR home.
i woke up, sobbing and couldn't stop, so i called shawn. i really need to get out of my apartment building, it's been over 60 hours. i love that my doctor's office is 10 floors down and that restaurants, pharmacies and grocery stores deliver, but i'm going to bundle up and go out. maybe i'll go watch the snowboarders in union square.
in my nightmare damien invited me over to watch a dvd with some friends. i was at his place (which, in my dream looked nothing like his other place). there were a few people over, but damien didn't sit and watch the movie with us. he was walking around, doing things. we didn't talk too much, but were civil, chipper, even. in the back of his living room there was a twin bed, like any good new york apartment, and i walked over to sit on it when i realized that the tossled sheets toward the foot of a bed were either lumpy or there was a very tiny girl laying at the foot of the bed. in my head i immediately thought it was julie. but it also really could have been just the shape of the sheets.
so i sat on the bed, and julie woke up. she and i started at each other and i think i just started screaming and throwing punches at her. i immediately became this destructive monster and started throwing heavy things at her. but she was calm. mature. i think she might have rolled her eyes, shielded her face and head with her hands and calmly walked over to damien in the other room as i continued to cry, scream and throw things at her.
i don't remember what damien said, but i'm sure it was along the lines of "stop." i followed her into what was either his or their room and ripped the door off the minifridge and flung it at her, i think.
and then, for some reason, i found a box of morton salt (which, ironically, i ran out of at my apartment yesterday and desperately need) and started pouring it on her, at which point she genuinely said "ow."
the next thing i remember is sitting on a couch in damien's apartment with some girl who looked like the red head i work with and she was comforting me, trying to get me to stop crying so that i could leave. before i left, i took with me two frames with rounded antique gold borders that had handfuls of pictures of julie arranged in them. i had smashed them. both frames had pictures of her in them, but there was one tiny picture of me in one.
i think i left and took the LIRR home.
i woke up, sobbing and couldn't stop, so i called shawn. i really need to get out of my apartment building, it's been over 60 hours. i love that my doctor's office is 10 floors down and that restaurants, pharmacies and grocery stores deliver, but i'm going to bundle up and go out. maybe i'll go watch the snowboarders in union square.