Happiness is a gift and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes.
"I feel you know what it's like to be without happiness... but do you know what it's like to be afraid of it? To see the world as so conniving, you cannot take pleasure in the appareance of something good... because you suspect... it is only a painted drop behind which other troubles lie. That has been my life. Every good thing has been a trick. Until you." -madeline, nicholas nickleby
i feel at peace. happy, even. i'm still at my uncle's place and i feel like i'm healing from something--what it is, i don't know. it's not damien, i fear i'll never heal from that. right now i don't feel angry and bitter, but abandoned and hopless. having my aunt, uncle and kneel around is a beautiful safety net, it's almost like my family away from home.
we sit around all day drinking tea and eating chewda while kneel is at work. today we cooked cabbage bhaji, punjabi dhaal and puris. then we watched nicholas nickleby and kneel and i played pool and i lost seven times. tomorrow, we're going to lay some tracks down of me singing and whistling. i want to find my own nicholas nickleby.
my uncle meditates for two hours a day and sometimes we'll talk about investing money or look at pictures of places he'll never get to see, even though he has more money than every body i know combined. it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart to see him looking through his my photos profile at photos of italian port cities that aren't his, that couldn't be his because he's too sick to fly in a plane, ride on a train or catch a boat. he edits other's photos, stitches different views together to create magnificent panoramic views of a city, but it's not the same. "it's just like i was there," he'll say. i break a little inside, and realize how bloody lucky i am that i have my health, my youth, my life.
the man has tens of millions of dollars in the bank and he doesn't have a security system on the house. he is one of the most amazing men i know. he's convinced me that, maybe, just maybe, marrying an american-raised indian guy is what's best for me. so i'm going on a date with this guy, vijay on thursday.
my aunt has declared me her "daughter for the week" and we went shopping today. it's so sweet how she looks on adoringly as i try on clothes. i bought some work clothes and two books that i cannot wait to read: lipstick jihad and reading lolita in tehran.
god i wish i could talk to damien. i wish i could talk to him, i wish i could sit next to him on the bed, our bed? no, not our bed. he's gone, sonia. there is someone better.
nice things from nice boys floated my way today:
chris, the boy who asked me out on the subway, called.
alex m called from california to tell me he misses me. he also wrote me this message a few days ago, that i responded to with a drunk call:
first off, i miss u like crazy dear...no more post-it notes on my door when i get home from class...but hows life in nyc?? im sure you've already begun charming the execs at the AP...any sex for promotion deals yet?? life is too fun back in ca...back to the fraternity life...and what a rough one it is. my earliest class is at noon, and i dont think ive seen a cloud since i got back...so ive been spending a lot of time playing tennis, running, etc. any word from berkeley?? hope all is well...peace....and by peace i seriously mean peace.
god, i miss him. the more i think about it, he might have been part of the reason i lost damien, but it was worth it to lose a lover for a new friend. and to think that alex was anything more than a friend (other than a soul mate) would be absurd. i cherish us because we were so pure at heart. but i'll never tell him that, because then he'll laugh at me and call me a sap. but...he made me love life again and forced me to see that my own happiness is in my own hands.
javi/alex isn't coming this weekend, which is sad. but that also means that i don't need to shave my legs in case he wanted to snuggle and that i can walk around the city and take pictures and go to the met.
alfie said: You're so pretty. I hope you're having fun, if I don't talk to you before you start, good luck with the new gig!
hope you're enjoying NY!
shawnie said: Saw your photo slideshow on myspace.
You look so, so cute.
and i talked to vijay on the phone and he seems sweet--fun, even.
i have all these great friends in my life, why do i feel so fucking n u m b?
it's snowing. i don't want to go back to new york. i want to die here, with my aunt's banana bread in my mouth in this happy state. new york is going to kick my ass. at least i have my work. my biggest fear in life right now is one day running into damien and julie, even though she lives in LA. seeing them happy. feeling inadequate. i wish my girlfriends were here. i feel as though even if i brought every single person, living and dead, close to me for a group hug, i'd still feel dead inside.
i got my period; no swedish children, thank god.
i feel at peace. happy, even. i'm still at my uncle's place and i feel like i'm healing from something--what it is, i don't know. it's not damien, i fear i'll never heal from that. right now i don't feel angry and bitter, but abandoned and hopless. having my aunt, uncle and kneel around is a beautiful safety net, it's almost like my family away from home.
we sit around all day drinking tea and eating chewda while kneel is at work. today we cooked cabbage bhaji, punjabi dhaal and puris. then we watched nicholas nickleby and kneel and i played pool and i lost seven times. tomorrow, we're going to lay some tracks down of me singing and whistling. i want to find my own nicholas nickleby.
my uncle meditates for two hours a day and sometimes we'll talk about investing money or look at pictures of places he'll never get to see, even though he has more money than every body i know combined. it breaks my heart. it breaks my heart to see him looking through his my photos profile at photos of italian port cities that aren't his, that couldn't be his because he's too sick to fly in a plane, ride on a train or catch a boat. he edits other's photos, stitches different views together to create magnificent panoramic views of a city, but it's not the same. "it's just like i was there," he'll say. i break a little inside, and realize how bloody lucky i am that i have my health, my youth, my life.
the man has tens of millions of dollars in the bank and he doesn't have a security system on the house. he is one of the most amazing men i know. he's convinced me that, maybe, just maybe, marrying an american-raised indian guy is what's best for me. so i'm going on a date with this guy, vijay on thursday.
my aunt has declared me her "daughter for the week" and we went shopping today. it's so sweet how she looks on adoringly as i try on clothes. i bought some work clothes and two books that i cannot wait to read: lipstick jihad and reading lolita in tehran.
god i wish i could talk to damien. i wish i could talk to him, i wish i could sit next to him on the bed, our bed? no, not our bed. he's gone, sonia. there is someone better.
nice things from nice boys floated my way today:
chris, the boy who asked me out on the subway, called.
alex m called from california to tell me he misses me. he also wrote me this message a few days ago, that i responded to with a drunk call:
first off, i miss u like crazy dear...no more post-it notes on my door when i get home from class...but hows life in nyc?? im sure you've already begun charming the execs at the AP...any sex for promotion deals yet?? life is too fun back in ca...back to the fraternity life...and what a rough one it is. my earliest class is at noon, and i dont think ive seen a cloud since i got back...so ive been spending a lot of time playing tennis, running, etc. any word from berkeley?? hope all is well...peace....and by peace i seriously mean peace.
god, i miss him. the more i think about it, he might have been part of the reason i lost damien, but it was worth it to lose a lover for a new friend. and to think that alex was anything more than a friend (other than a soul mate) would be absurd. i cherish us because we were so pure at heart. but i'll never tell him that, because then he'll laugh at me and call me a sap. but...he made me love life again and forced me to see that my own happiness is in my own hands.
javi/alex isn't coming this weekend, which is sad. but that also means that i don't need to shave my legs in case he wanted to snuggle and that i can walk around the city and take pictures and go to the met.
alfie said: You're so pretty. I hope you're having fun, if I don't talk to you before you start, good luck with the new gig!
hope you're enjoying NY!
shawnie said: Saw your photo slideshow on myspace.
You look so, so cute.
and i talked to vijay on the phone and he seems sweet--fun, even.
i have all these great friends in my life, why do i feel so fucking n u m b?
it's snowing. i don't want to go back to new york. i want to die here, with my aunt's banana bread in my mouth in this happy state. new york is going to kick my ass. at least i have my work. my biggest fear in life right now is one day running into damien and julie, even though she lives in LA. seeing them happy. feeling inadequate. i wish my girlfriends were here. i feel as though even if i brought every single person, living and dead, close to me for a group hug, i'd still feel dead inside.
i got my period; no swedish children, thank god.