kitchen sink: new years, tears, livejournal backreading
too much going on. in the middle of columbia apps. no way near done, they're due in less than 24 hours.
-i've been having such an amazing time going through my livejournal entries from 2002-2004. the golden years, when i felt like i could still be honest, i was much more dramatic and was still a virgin. the best entries are in december 2003 and january 2004. it's when i was dating stephen, robert sent me that awful letter about me being a whore virgin, and when jennifer was murdered.
-i also came across an entry that explains why i am attracted to asshole boyfriends like stephen and damien (i thought the latter wasn't an asshole when we started; now i realize he had all the signs all along):
but there's something about [stephen] that i just appreciate. he's not like kyle. kyle would spoil me--he'd slather me in affection and attention and never made me pay for anything and always took the blame, always let me be right. but with stephen it's like i have to earn the right to be heard. he doesn't pay for everything, he's not sappy. i was actually thrown aback when he whispered 'i miss you' at the end of a few phone calls. it didn't seem like him?
-new year's eve was the BEST EVER. sure, i wasn't in jerusalem, like last year, or india, like the year before...but i was with some of my best friends. i was the designated driver for ricky and vivek (jacko came too but he doesn't drink, which i love). i did make a touch of calimocho at this one party, and i had people try it (they thought i was strange) and they LOVED it and i was so happy to bring a bit of spain to plano.
-i wrote this P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C e-mail to damien in reponse to the fact that he didn't respond to my 3 a.m. "happy new year's, stoops!" text message. he's so smart and cold. i'm glad shawn or someone convinced me not to send it. it's sitting in my drafts folder.
-megha came in from atlanta. we just click whenever we see each other. love her, love her, lover her.
-woke up on new year's day crying thinking of damien, missing his body, his kisses, his baby talk. us. i was so horny for what i thought was him. then i realized, i just want a constant man again. but this time, i'm not going to jump into a relationship.
-i've had to stop wearing eye liner because i cry too much, too randomly.
-started carrying a camera in car at all times to document the sometimes amazing sunsets we've been having lately. i chased one down today, parked by some powerlines and cried, it was so beautiful. the epitome of sublime.
-matthais, french guy who worked at the hostel in rome, sent me the sweetest e-mail. i think broken english is so fucking adorable, especially in print:
coucou
how are you? I m fine.
back from napoli. I had a good time there ( but I m sure that it could be better if you was here)
This town is very nice. the wether was brillant too, sunny and hot...
[...]
you re mail make me feel good. I was sad too to not spend your last day with you but i m sur that we will have other opportunities. I this so strange. I don t know how to explan in english but I really miss you.
take care and see you soon.
gros bisous et a bientot
i don't know what the french parts mean, but i love them.
-ivar (the man from rotterdam) also sent me an e-mail. also with cute broken english:
Hi Sonia!
The party was great and the view on the city with all the fireworks amazing! You being here Sonia....it would be like a dream! Dance, sing, drink and enjoy it all!
[...] still can't believe you will really start a life in New York......i am proud to tell friends I know somebody from there hahahahaha. By the way, I showed the pictures of you with Fleur to friends as well and they all said Fleur looks amazing...........just like youn they said! :-) And...... honestly I think they are right he!!!! :-)
How is it at home? Was it all a bit ok? And was your brother ok too with you being away so long? I know we only talked short about it, but it goes through my mind sometimes and I hope the feeling coming hope was a happy feeling. Just know someone you hardly know thinks about you.
Miss you, kiss!
Ivar
god, he is the sweetest man i have ever met in my life. i miss his overwhelming smile.
new year's resolutions
1) get over damien
2) perform again
3) cook at least three times a week (kitchen permitting)
4) get back in shape (i'm not going to say lose weight, that's silly and also implied)
so my game plan in NYC: fly there next week. stay in a hostel or with random friend but i really dont want to ask anybody up there for favors...find a place. sign it. dad might come up. settle in. start job. learn to cook. get a gym. and...
i've decided to audition for an improv comedy troupe again!
i think this would make my life more complete. or sketch comedy. i just...want to perform again. and maybe i can meet people this way. people that aren't damien, so help me god if i ever call him.
my other goal is also to forget his phone number. yeah, that'll happen. i still remember kyle's...
i'm also really depressed that alfie is moving to the other side of the country (san fran) right when i'm moving to NYC.
-i've been having such an amazing time going through my livejournal entries from 2002-2004. the golden years, when i felt like i could still be honest, i was much more dramatic and was still a virgin. the best entries are in december 2003 and january 2004. it's when i was dating stephen, robert sent me that awful letter about me being a whore virgin, and when jennifer was murdered.
-i also came across an entry that explains why i am attracted to asshole boyfriends like stephen and damien (i thought the latter wasn't an asshole when we started; now i realize he had all the signs all along):
but there's something about [stephen] that i just appreciate. he's not like kyle. kyle would spoil me--he'd slather me in affection and attention and never made me pay for anything and always took the blame, always let me be right. but with stephen it's like i have to earn the right to be heard. he doesn't pay for everything, he's not sappy. i was actually thrown aback when he whispered 'i miss you' at the end of a few phone calls. it didn't seem like him?
-new year's eve was the BEST EVER. sure, i wasn't in jerusalem, like last year, or india, like the year before...but i was with some of my best friends. i was the designated driver for ricky and vivek (jacko came too but he doesn't drink, which i love). i did make a touch of calimocho at this one party, and i had people try it (they thought i was strange) and they LOVED it and i was so happy to bring a bit of spain to plano.
-i wrote this P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C e-mail to damien in reponse to the fact that he didn't respond to my 3 a.m. "happy new year's, stoops!" text message. he's so smart and cold. i'm glad shawn or someone convinced me not to send it. it's sitting in my drafts folder.
-megha came in from atlanta. we just click whenever we see each other. love her, love her, lover her.
-woke up on new year's day crying thinking of damien, missing his body, his kisses, his baby talk. us. i was so horny for what i thought was him. then i realized, i just want a constant man again. but this time, i'm not going to jump into a relationship.
-i've had to stop wearing eye liner because i cry too much, too randomly.
-started carrying a camera in car at all times to document the sometimes amazing sunsets we've been having lately. i chased one down today, parked by some powerlines and cried, it was so beautiful. the epitome of sublime.
-matthais, french guy who worked at the hostel in rome, sent me the sweetest e-mail. i think broken english is so fucking adorable, especially in print:
coucou
how are you? I m fine.
back from napoli. I had a good time there ( but I m sure that it could be better if you was here)
This town is very nice. the wether was brillant too, sunny and hot...
[...]
you re mail make me feel good. I was sad too to not spend your last day with you but i m sur that we will have other opportunities. I this so strange. I don t know how to explan in english but I really miss you.
take care and see you soon.
gros bisous et a bientot
i don't know what the french parts mean, but i love them.
-ivar (the man from rotterdam) also sent me an e-mail. also with cute broken english:
Hi Sonia!
The party was great and the view on the city with all the fireworks amazing! You being here Sonia....it would be like a dream! Dance, sing, drink and enjoy it all!
[...] still can't believe you will really start a life in New York......i am proud to tell friends I know somebody from there hahahahaha. By the way, I showed the pictures of you with Fleur to friends as well and they all said Fleur looks amazing...........just like youn they said! :-) And...... honestly I think they are right he!!!! :-)
How is it at home? Was it all a bit ok? And was your brother ok too with you being away so long? I know we only talked short about it, but it goes through my mind sometimes and I hope the feeling coming hope was a happy feeling. Just know someone you hardly know thinks about you.
Miss you, kiss!
Ivar
god, he is the sweetest man i have ever met in my life. i miss his overwhelming smile.
new year's resolutions
1) get over damien
2) perform again
3) cook at least three times a week (kitchen permitting)
4) get back in shape (i'm not going to say lose weight, that's silly and also implied)
so my game plan in NYC: fly there next week. stay in a hostel or with random friend but i really dont want to ask anybody up there for favors...find a place. sign it. dad might come up. settle in. start job. learn to cook. get a gym. and...
i've decided to audition for an improv comedy troupe again!
i think this would make my life more complete. or sketch comedy. i just...want to perform again. and maybe i can meet people this way. people that aren't damien, so help me god if i ever call him.
my other goal is also to forget his phone number. yeah, that'll happen. i still remember kyle's...
i'm also really depressed that alfie is moving to the other side of the country (san fran) right when i'm moving to NYC.