toughts
goodness gracious, the sophomore slump subsides and somehow...somehow I
feel...better?
I hesitate when I say this BECAUSE I don't know if I feel better. there are good friends, grades, opportunities, weight loss... there are some things that aren't perfect in my life, but most things are great...and they're great partially because of me. Obviously, that's fulfilling. However, I still feel like there's this dull pain in the background that is always making any GOOD thing a little less good and every BAD thing worse. I feel like this doesn't ever go away, I can't ever just be like "damn, I'm fucking set."
Some days I really wonder what my objective is, like what the fuck am I doing. Is this dysthymia? I hate to admit it, but I really feel I've spent a significant part of the past 4 years feeling sad/guilty/worthless/suicidal. Like right now, I think I feel happy...but still sad and worthless. I don't want to kill myself, but suicide seems...attractive? Suicidal isn't the right word...but it's the closest I can think of. I think that dysthymia could account for why I get so sad over things that aren't that terrible. It's like, I'm already depressed to some extent, so any blow can be enough to make me break. Of course, this is also me catastrophizing. I feel so empty so often. despite it all, i'm so used to it. It's kind of like...I'm not at my lowest right now, so that automatically means I'm okay. I'm doing well in so many areas of my life, that means I'm okay. No one notices that I'm down or sad, that means I'm okay. Should I just accept that my norm is to be somewhat sad? And if this is really accurate, am I weak? I put off thinking about it because it's so complicated. I'm not in a major depressive state, but I feel the dull pain. it's not like...a sad thing. it's not getting in the way so i'm not too worried, but I'm kind of wondering if this is what the rest of my life will be like...
my summer has a huge question mark over it, but I HOPE it will go something like this:
may- research and probably Buffalo at some point
June- Job of some variety in Boone, there are a few options
July- Job, Boone
August- Job...research?
I think my mom came to the conclusion that I would be miserable if I couldn't see Patrick this summer, so she has passively given me the ok to live with him. She's seen me apply for various jobs that would provide housing for me in Boone so I wouldn't have to live with him, but I'm still waiting on hearing back from them. If she didn't allow him and I to live together, I would basically never see him because we're both trying to get jobs and he doesn't have a car and will be in summer school. I have to go two weeks without seeing him during the school year, I really don't want to have to do that all summer. Oh, and the fact that living at home last summer was hell.
feel...better?
I hesitate when I say this BECAUSE I don't know if I feel better. there are good friends, grades, opportunities, weight loss... there are some things that aren't perfect in my life, but most things are great...and they're great partially because of me. Obviously, that's fulfilling. However, I still feel like there's this dull pain in the background that is always making any GOOD thing a little less good and every BAD thing worse. I feel like this doesn't ever go away, I can't ever just be like "damn, I'm fucking set."
Some days I really wonder what my objective is, like what the fuck am I doing. Is this dysthymia? I hate to admit it, but I really feel I've spent a significant part of the past 4 years feeling sad/guilty/worthless/suicidal. Like right now, I think I feel happy...but still sad and worthless. I don't want to kill myself, but suicide seems...attractive? Suicidal isn't the right word...but it's the closest I can think of. I think that dysthymia could account for why I get so sad over things that aren't that terrible. It's like, I'm already depressed to some extent, so any blow can be enough to make me break. Of course, this is also me catastrophizing. I feel so empty so often. despite it all, i'm so used to it. It's kind of like...I'm not at my lowest right now, so that automatically means I'm okay. I'm doing well in so many areas of my life, that means I'm okay. No one notices that I'm down or sad, that means I'm okay. Should I just accept that my norm is to be somewhat sad? And if this is really accurate, am I weak? I put off thinking about it because it's so complicated. I'm not in a major depressive state, but I feel the dull pain. it's not like...a sad thing. it's not getting in the way so i'm not too worried, but I'm kind of wondering if this is what the rest of my life will be like...
my summer has a huge question mark over it, but I HOPE it will go something like this:
may- research and probably Buffalo at some point
June- Job of some variety in Boone, there are a few options
July- Job, Boone
August- Job...research?
I think my mom came to the conclusion that I would be miserable if I couldn't see Patrick this summer, so she has passively given me the ok to live with him. She's seen me apply for various jobs that would provide housing for me in Boone so I wouldn't have to live with him, but I'm still waiting on hearing back from them. If she didn't allow him and I to live together, I would basically never see him because we're both trying to get jobs and he doesn't have a car and will be in summer school. I have to go two weeks without seeing him during the school year, I really don't want to have to do that all summer. Oh, and the fact that living at home last summer was hell.