afraid

[ilikered]

this happens EVERY year. all the time really. i come up with a plan to make something great, start work to make it happen then freeze up and freak out that it is dumb and will never be what i envision it could be. So i come up with an improved plan, a great idea, something i like better and then freak out that i don't have time to make the better, great idea happen And then i get scared again that it will end up ugly and disappointing and I just want to crawl in a hole until March. Why not just buy something and get it over with? that seems even worse and ickier and cheap and lame and so far from the much loftier intention of making something 'special' and specifically for someone with my own hands and ideas. until i can afford to whisk someone away on some grand adventure or get them something custom made and permanent that I don't have the skill to make myself, buying something seems like an even worse idea. so, i get scared out loud and stress about it and it makes the person the thing is intended for feel bad and then i feel bad for being so fucking ridiculous because really i do like making things its just the hardest thing i do. it is always a big fight with myself and my nonsense and being scared and feeling failure from the beginning and so its the time crunch that makes anything happen at all, and how unacceptable it would be to not express that i feel huge good things about someone and I really do want them to have a THING that makes them remember that, and i want that THING to be completely theirs and unique and something that could only come from us being who we are... so it turns out that THING becomes big and scary.
i just don't want to feel like i'm handing over some tempra painted macaroni necklace. which is how it does feel right now. UGH! i am frustrating.