it has a name
'stuckness'
Havi Brooks describes me exactly on the "is this you?" page of www.thefluentself.com. follow friday on twitter led me there. Havi is the biggest hippy dippy out there down to earth person I have ever wanted to trust and listen to because her blog is the first thing i've found that really hits the nail on the head. i even dug up a video of the crazy waving your arms around yoga movement she is all about so i could give it a shot since i don't have any spare money. i found shivanauts online and read their blogs and follow them on twitter too. it feels odd and makes me think maybe i've just been in Portland too long. maybe i'm just really desperate and fed up... cause all my bad choices and poor planning are coming full circle and i am about to go into default on my damn student loans. I am 5 years out of art school with a BFA and making a little less than $14 an hour as a goddamn "administrative assistant". over the past 5 years i have managed to go from administrative assistant to marketing manager to office manager all the way back to administrative assistant. a full circle of miserable failure in itself, void of any meaningful creative output, aside from not making enough money to accommodate the jump in loan payments i was so sure i'd be successful enough to handle. i have the desire skills and know how to make artwork and crafty things and i know who to talk to about selling them and where to have shows and how to write press releases and get people on my side... my arsenal is huge. and rotting. deep in the back corner of a flooded basement. i think the house will have to come down to get to it because i can't seem to get more than waist deep down the moldy dark stairs.
nate's birthday is friday and i will not be able to take him out or get him anything.
my 10 year high school reunion is next weekend and i can't get a plane ticket home.
i haven't seen my parents since decmber 2007 for the same reason.
BUT! this time instead of completely berating myself for being stuck here AGAIN, I am feeling the tiniest bit of good for recognizing I am thinking differently. a bit of hope that was lost when being "saved" was no longer true for me just might be creeping back in some weird hippy dippy way. and so what if i don't believe in it, if it works that is good enough for me right now.
*I think the emergency destuckification calming stuff actually worked!
Havi Brooks describes me exactly on the "is this you?" page of www.thefluentself.com. follow friday on twitter led me there. Havi is the biggest hippy dippy out there down to earth person I have ever wanted to trust and listen to because her blog is the first thing i've found that really hits the nail on the head. i even dug up a video of the crazy waving your arms around yoga movement she is all about so i could give it a shot since i don't have any spare money. i found shivanauts online and read their blogs and follow them on twitter too. it feels odd and makes me think maybe i've just been in Portland too long. maybe i'm just really desperate and fed up... cause all my bad choices and poor planning are coming full circle and i am about to go into default on my damn student loans. I am 5 years out of art school with a BFA and making a little less than $14 an hour as a goddamn "administrative assistant". over the past 5 years i have managed to go from administrative assistant to marketing manager to office manager all the way back to administrative assistant. a full circle of miserable failure in itself, void of any meaningful creative output, aside from not making enough money to accommodate the jump in loan payments i was so sure i'd be successful enough to handle. i have the desire skills and know how to make artwork and crafty things and i know who to talk to about selling them and where to have shows and how to write press releases and get people on my side... my arsenal is huge. and rotting. deep in the back corner of a flooded basement. i think the house will have to come down to get to it because i can't seem to get more than waist deep down the moldy dark stairs.
nate's birthday is friday and i will not be able to take him out or get him anything.
my 10 year high school reunion is next weekend and i can't get a plane ticket home.
i haven't seen my parents since decmber 2007 for the same reason.
BUT! this time instead of completely berating myself for being stuck here AGAIN, I am feeling the tiniest bit of good for recognizing I am thinking differently. a bit of hope that was lost when being "saved" was no longer true for me just might be creeping back in some weird hippy dippy way. and so what if i don't believe in it, if it works that is good enough for me right now.
*I think the emergency destuckification calming stuff actually worked!