An Open Letter to My Friends
I feel that I am one of those people, that when/if I have something and someone else needs it, I am always willing to help out or give a hand. I feel that, while I have had my shortcomings, that I am a pretty generous person. I feel that I have trouble accepting the help when I need it. I feel that sometimes its difficult for me, as a person to accept that I am not going to be able to do it on my own, and that I need someone to give me a hand. For some reason, unknown to me, I fear the hand. I feel the grace and compassion of other people. Does it stem from a lack of trust? Lack of security? Is it a control issue? Does by admitting defeat and failing mean that it is out of my control, and I am suddenly signing my soul over to the devil (or lender/giver?)
A few years ago, a couple of my neighbors in West Valley brought Christmas cookies and caramel corn to our house. I was frustrated that they would do something like that. What angle were they playing? Did they expect to get something back from it? Is this a peace offering or a door opener to friendship? How presumptuous of them to bring me CHRISTMAS goodies! Negativity flowed through my mind as I tried to comprehend why someone would do something as horrible as bringing baked goods to myself. It sickened me.
I talked to my mother over the phone about the issue. Sighing, I said something like "Now I have to figure out what I should make to bring them." My mother asked me why. I sat there a second, not really knowing the answer to the question. "If you want to bake something for your neighbors because you want to, then fine. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it just because they did. They did it because they wanted to." It really makes me think. Do things because you want to, not because you feel that you have to. It's a common mantra that you hear throughout different faiths. Selflessness. "Be a cheerful giver." Things like that.
People should help others because that's what they want to do in their heart. If they do something begrudgingly or simply to retaliate, then they are doing no one any good, and that deed that they performed is now tainted with the fact that they are untruthful with themselves.
I find that when an artist gives me a piece of their work, that I generally give them a piece of mine. I don't feel that this is obligatory. I do it because I appreciate receiving artwork, a point that I am sure that all my artist friends can agree to. It's nice to receive something from someone that loves you. My friends are the truly loved ones and over this last year, I can't express that enough.
Things are difficult here in Portland, but I am happy. I am happier than I have been for a while. Nathan might contest to that, but it took a few days of going out on my own and just enjoying Portland to realize that this is indeed the place for me, and that I belong here at this point and time.
I am struggling in a few other ways. The bills are sort of piling up in even just this last week. Rent is coming due, shortly thereafter followed by my cell phone bill. Once those are paid, I still will have my storage unit to account for before the end of the month. We are running low on food and Nathan doesn't know if his food stamps are going to come in for November. We are planning on going down to the DHS on Monday to talk with them. We could end up with $160 for food, $320 or nothing at all. It's hard to say right now. I have been losing weight. So much so, that all my lower body clothing is becoming too big for me. I am wearing a belt with my pants, but they tend to bunch up when I cinch them. I wear a lot of skirts, but I find them falling low on my hips, often revealing potentially embarrassing "coin slots" on the back side. Samhain is doing fine, but she will need cat litter very soon.
I have been diligently looking for a job, but I know honestly that even if I get hired and start on Monday, I wouldn't get paid until either the 14th or the 21st, depending on their pay cycle. Both those dates are too far away to help with both rent and my phone bill.
This is what I was going to do. I was going to post an entry admitting that I needed help, and making a list of things that my friends and family could do to help me get through this month. I was going to detail out in my best possible way, how and what you can do, and what I could do for you, if you required recompense. I was going to address you to my cell phone provider and my number, saying that if you would like to help me with my cell phone, you could go to that particular provider's kiosk and help me out by putting some money on my account. I was going to detail how integral having a phone right now is to me, as I require it to actually look for a job! I was going to explain that if you wanted to help me out with rent, the easiest way to accomplish that would be to donate to my Paypal account. I would have linked it and made it so simple for you. If you would like to help in other ways, I was going to indicate that a gift card to Fred Meyers or Safeway would have been greatly accepted. Even a Valu Village or Goodwill card (if they even have them) would be great so that I could find myself some new pants that fit my sleeker design. That is what I was going to do. It would have been a nice little bullet pointed entry, like a Christmas wish list.
All that I am saying is that I am in a great deal of need right now and I wish that there was an easier way to get around having to go to this sort of humility. This bearing of my being to my own shortcomings, bad judgment and lack of planning.
A few years ago, a couple of my neighbors in West Valley brought Christmas cookies and caramel corn to our house. I was frustrated that they would do something like that. What angle were they playing? Did they expect to get something back from it? Is this a peace offering or a door opener to friendship? How presumptuous of them to bring me CHRISTMAS goodies! Negativity flowed through my mind as I tried to comprehend why someone would do something as horrible as bringing baked goods to myself. It sickened me.
I talked to my mother over the phone about the issue. Sighing, I said something like "Now I have to figure out what I should make to bring them." My mother asked me why. I sat there a second, not really knowing the answer to the question. "If you want to bake something for your neighbors because you want to, then fine. You shouldn't feel obligated to do it just because they did. They did it because they wanted to." It really makes me think. Do things because you want to, not because you feel that you have to. It's a common mantra that you hear throughout different faiths. Selflessness. "Be a cheerful giver." Things like that.
People should help others because that's what they want to do in their heart. If they do something begrudgingly or simply to retaliate, then they are doing no one any good, and that deed that they performed is now tainted with the fact that they are untruthful with themselves.
I find that when an artist gives me a piece of their work, that I generally give them a piece of mine. I don't feel that this is obligatory. I do it because I appreciate receiving artwork, a point that I am sure that all my artist friends can agree to. It's nice to receive something from someone that loves you. My friends are the truly loved ones and over this last year, I can't express that enough.
Things are difficult here in Portland, but I am happy. I am happier than I have been for a while. Nathan might contest to that, but it took a few days of going out on my own and just enjoying Portland to realize that this is indeed the place for me, and that I belong here at this point and time.
I am struggling in a few other ways. The bills are sort of piling up in even just this last week. Rent is coming due, shortly thereafter followed by my cell phone bill. Once those are paid, I still will have my storage unit to account for before the end of the month. We are running low on food and Nathan doesn't know if his food stamps are going to come in for November. We are planning on going down to the DHS on Monday to talk with them. We could end up with $160 for food, $320 or nothing at all. It's hard to say right now. I have been losing weight. So much so, that all my lower body clothing is becoming too big for me. I am wearing a belt with my pants, but they tend to bunch up when I cinch them. I wear a lot of skirts, but I find them falling low on my hips, often revealing potentially embarrassing "coin slots" on the back side. Samhain is doing fine, but she will need cat litter very soon.
I have been diligently looking for a job, but I know honestly that even if I get hired and start on Monday, I wouldn't get paid until either the 14th or the 21st, depending on their pay cycle. Both those dates are too far away to help with both rent and my phone bill.
This is what I was going to do. I was going to post an entry admitting that I needed help, and making a list of things that my friends and family could do to help me get through this month. I was going to detail out in my best possible way, how and what you can do, and what I could do for you, if you required recompense. I was going to address you to my cell phone provider and my number, saying that if you would like to help me with my cell phone, you could go to that particular provider's kiosk and help me out by putting some money on my account. I was going to detail how integral having a phone right now is to me, as I require it to actually look for a job! I was going to explain that if you wanted to help me out with rent, the easiest way to accomplish that would be to donate to my Paypal account. I would have linked it and made it so simple for you. If you would like to help in other ways, I was going to indicate that a gift card to Fred Meyers or Safeway would have been greatly accepted. Even a Valu Village or Goodwill card (if they even have them) would be great so that I could find myself some new pants that fit my sleeker design. That is what I was going to do. It would have been a nice little bullet pointed entry, like a Christmas wish list.
All that I am saying is that I am in a great deal of need right now and I wish that there was an easier way to get around having to go to this sort of humility. This bearing of my being to my own shortcomings, bad judgment and lack of planning.