(no subject)
I'm feeling really down. Hopefully writing it out will help me feel better.
First off, any changes in Swirl's behavior have me freaking out. Like, she doesn't eat her little treat I give her twice in a row and I convince myself that she is inappetent and needs medicine and fluids. I just don't know how to healthily worry about things without taking it to obsession and panic. But, because of all the research I did on grain-free cat food, I got the idea and motivation to start a website. A website detailing pet food ingredients, correcting misinformation in cyberspace, and providing much-needed analysis for the lay-person. This website can get me further into computer science and vet school - I can use the newest technologies and showcase lots of information about pet nutrition. Sounds great! Too bad I haven't touched it since Sunday...I'm so tired when I get home from work I can't bring myself to stare at a computer for the rest of the night.
And now on to work...first of all, my mom has been bugging me to demand a raise. Ya know, because I finally earned this degree I still haven't received in the mail. As if this piece of paper changes the kind of work I've done over the past 9 months for this company. It'd be all well and dandy if there were people testifying that this happens in the real world, but after trolling forums I'm very skeptical. My year comes up in August, I can only hope I get a $10 raise that brings me up to what my starting salary out of college should be.
But that's assuming I'm an amazing worker. I don't know all of the details of my two fellow developer gals, but I know one of them does not have a computer science degree - she has a biology degree. And I'm sure the other one doesn't. But I'm still not at their level. I'm slower to complete tasks. Granted, he gives me some fun things that take a while, but when I'm working on the mundane things it's hard to remember that the boss-man values my fast learning. The big blow, though, was that he kept saying he wanted to start working on an android app, and since I was the only one to ever do that kind of development, I could take the lead on it. Well, yesterday he sat down with the girl with the most seniority and was talking about developing the android app. I almost started crying right there.
Ugh, I hate how long it takes me to get to work - I drive for about 2 hours every day. And we don't have a break room at work, just a kitchen. So we all eat lunch in front of our computers and keep working. So I only stay there for 8.25 hours a day and clock myself for 8 hours. Then I can get a head start on rush hour. Believe me, leaving 15 mins early saves me 30 mins. I used to be the first one in every morning, and the boss was impressed. And it didn't feel weird to leave at 4:45. Now we're busier with more clients, and everyone is squeezing in the hours. Miss Most Seniority is now there at 8:30 with me and is still there when I leave. I worry that I now look bad to boss-man. Like I'm stealing money by not clocking 30 mins for lunch. And we're not allowed to clock over 40 hours in a week, so I know the other girl is there much longer than I am, constantly working, but only clocking 40 hours a week.
I'm just so worried. And it's hard to sit and program for 8 hours in a row. Sometimes my mind isn't in it. Then I do feel like I'm stealing because I'm researching cat nutrition and my code finished compiling 10 minutes ago. I feel like work is mostly boring (of course it has it's moments, but not many) and that I'm not valued by my boss. Don't get me wrong - he doesn't ever take me aside and bitch me out, or do anything remotely derogatory. If he has a favorite employee, no one would know because he is quite a professional. But this is how I've perceived it. I try to take it up a notch from the other girls, show some initiative, but there's only so much I can do, and for about half the things I've done, the boss-man has actually gotten annoyed or pissed because I've wasted his time in some way. I'd go into detail, but trust me, it'd be more confusing than my cyclic rambling.
So, to sum up: I have anxiety and an obsessive personality. I constantly worry about the things I can and can't control in my life, and it adds to my anxiety and depression. This, in turn, leads to poor performance at work. The paranoia that everyone knows how shitty I am at my job compounds all of this further. I come home exhausted from the emotional roller coaster at work, and ride the emotional merry-go-round of my sick pets. Hence, me trying to get it all out and feel better. I kinda just feel like crying, but in a release kinda way. I feel a little weight lifted, but nowhere near happy. Happy seems so far away.
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