Jul 18, 2007 07:59
Sometimes I wonder if I had grown up much faster than my peers that it has become my handicap in life.
Since my relationship with Alfred and Jackie, it dawned on me that finding a partner who shares common interests and likes you enough to be willing to start a relationship does not come easy. It took me the last 7 years to only go through 3 relationships, the last being with Marvin. We broke up 2 months ago.
Through Alfred, I realized that love can develop between friends out of the blue and through my breakup with him, I understand that in maintaining a relationship, a lot of things have to be taken with one eye closed (I'm not referring to infidelity in this case).
Through Jackie, I learnt to moderate how not to close one eye to everything and thinking that we will ride through it at the end, how it feels to bear with the squabbles and after that continue to feel the same for him, appreciating that quarreling do happen but it doesn't spell the end of a relationship, how you can be angry at him and not mean that you'll stop loving him.
As for Marvin, I started off on the wrong footing, only to realize how deep and how far my affections for him has developed and gone in the last 9 months, after we broke up. I didn't treat him badly, in fact, I treated him well, but I never cherished him nor the relationship that we shared.
I've always regarded my relationship with Marvin as a rebound from my previous with Jackie, right from the beginning. Marvin fell deeply in love with me and his close friends all told me that they've never seen him like this before. He was really very endearing, loving, sensitive and considerate towards how I feel, whether I am tired or hungry (and he would then cook for us to eat).
I taught him how to play Dota and we would play like crazy over the weekend when I went to stay over. Marvin and I are similar in a lot of ways, in terms of family background, upbringing and interests. We both liked to sing, play computer games, play mahjong, baby talk, do lame jokes on each other, love dogs, massages etc.
Slowly, as the days pass by, after we both quit our jobs, we slowly started to live together. I would stay over longer and longer, until I only went back to my own home only on Sundays. As life got more and more comfortable, I wasn't sensitive enough to realize that we were slowly losing the romance in the relationship. Our kiss count grew lesser and lesser and we would only kiss (not french, just a light one) before bedtime or whenever I was going home.
We bought a queensized bed, installed aircon and ceiling fan, bought a new washing machine, TV etc. We were like a couple that had been married and were building our home. In fact, whenever someone asked me where I was, I would reply that I am at home.
I was truly happy and I didn't realize I had already fallen so deeply in love with him, even until that stage. All I knew was, I could live like this with him by my side for the rest of my life. I also had my worries. At 21, he doesn't hold a job, doesn't have high qualifications and his spending habits far outstrip what he could possibly earn to support himself.
I could support him for the rest of his life, given my working capabililties and current wealth standing. But that thought was going too far and too close for comfort that it scares me. I started to question him about his life goals and what he wanted to do when he's older but I never got a satisfactory answer.
I started to pull back whenever he jokingly tells me that he wants to be my wife and become a full time caretaker of our home. After spending so much on the home furniture and then for our impending Europe trip, I was really starting to freak out.
Our Europe trip made matters worse. We started squabbling and one led on to another full fledged cold war. Again, our similarities in handling situations was not to talk about things, but I've learnt that now, that either one party has to speak up than leave it hanging and let it blow over.
Because our past was horrendously matted by so many unresolved issues, after we came back from our Europe trip, things never got better. We gradually became intolerant of each other and things that we used to overlook about one another now became a irritant to both.
Subsequently, we broke up after one last big fight. I really thought then, that it was the last straw that I could take and we would both be better off without each other. I was wrong. After a few days of not seeing him, it felt unbearable. I looked back and realized that this was as close to marriage a gay couple could get.
I know where the faults and problems are and mostly occured because of me. I want to change but it is already too late. Marvin's feelings for me have completely died off and has since moved on. I'm sorry Marvin.