She wears a perfume called pride, it smells alot more like shame.
Hopefully, November will be a better month than October. October comprised of a female encounter with a terrible outcome, a bad trip and an unexpected betrayel. I feel like I'm working to much, I need to attend to my schoolwork that I've been neglecting and on top of all this I'm going to be sober for the next three months.. I could really use a vacation. On the brightside, I have never been In a more close knit group of friends ^.^ But as usual, this has had an effect on alot of my other friendships, friendships that I've had for much longer than the ones I'm developing so much now. I feel like people are being left out, and that I might be responsible for not seeing them as much as I should. All the shit that happened this month makes me desire a DRASTIC LIFE CHANGE. On another note, my mom told me for the first time in my life, that she percieved some of my behavior as a, 'cry for help.' Altough the behavior in my opinion was strictly adolescent in many senses, and perhaps borderline irresponsible nothing that could be considered detrimental, this IS the first time she has ever said that, and it worries me.. Maybe I'm not judging myself correctly, and that some of my behavior has been a little extreme.. When it comes down to it, I really havent changed my lifestyle for the last three years, but peopls perspective of me has changed drastically, I dont know how to approach it, changing anything right now would affect something or another, be it my social life or my lifestyle. Basically what I'm getting at is I dont know what the fuck to change, how to change it, and if I did change anything I'd obviously question why I did so. This post itself is a sign, (to me at least,) that I'm taking life to seriously, something that I try not to do, but all these mixxed reactions from people make me feel like I'm in a fucking garbage compressor.
Alot of decisions that I've already made this year I regret. Going to IU for instance, is something that I told myself I wouldent do, but unfortunately its the only school that I've applied to this year. Even though my parents said that IU was really the only option right now due to financial issues, I still feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm anylizing every decision and action that I make and the effect is being unfulfilled with the decisions I've made. Maybe I'm just overreacting about everything, but I feel like all this shit is leading to the apocolypse.
This last month has also been one of the first months that I've actually been on edge. I've boiled over a few times on people who didn't deserve it, and I've come close to snapping, something that RARELY happens with me. All this pent up shit could blow up and create a bad situation, there are some very shaky issues with my family and some of my friends and if I get approached the wrong way these issues are likely to fall apart and become very damaging to me and others. Irrationality is something that I'm prone to, especially if I'm angry or aggrivated in some way. Maybe I need to bow out and resolve some of the issues by dissapearing, but in doing so I could hurt other people as well as my pride. As an effect, all of this has led to a drop in my optomism, Im not yet enthralled by a depressed demeanor, but I am definately on the verge of falling into a rut.
I rarely blow off steam on LJ and some of you may know some of these issues that are affecting me right now, by all means if anyone has some advice, or a spiffy comment that'll get my head out of my ass, it would be greatly appreciated.
-Alex B
Alot of decisions that I've already made this year I regret. Going to IU for instance, is something that I told myself I wouldent do, but unfortunately its the only school that I've applied to this year. Even though my parents said that IU was really the only option right now due to financial issues, I still feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm anylizing every decision and action that I make and the effect is being unfulfilled with the decisions I've made. Maybe I'm just overreacting about everything, but I feel like all this shit is leading to the apocolypse.
This last month has also been one of the first months that I've actually been on edge. I've boiled over a few times on people who didn't deserve it, and I've come close to snapping, something that RARELY happens with me. All this pent up shit could blow up and create a bad situation, there are some very shaky issues with my family and some of my friends and if I get approached the wrong way these issues are likely to fall apart and become very damaging to me and others. Irrationality is something that I'm prone to, especially if I'm angry or aggrivated in some way. Maybe I need to bow out and resolve some of the issues by dissapearing, but in doing so I could hurt other people as well as my pride. As an effect, all of this has led to a drop in my optomism, Im not yet enthralled by a depressed demeanor, but I am definately on the verge of falling into a rut.
I rarely blow off steam on LJ and some of you may know some of these issues that are affecting me right now, by all means if anyone has some advice, or a spiffy comment that'll get my head out of my ass, it would be greatly appreciated.
-Alex B