brain mesh
I guess I'm back to some stuff that I thought I had overcome. Really weird, messed up crap that you don't want to hear about. I don't know. I'm not eating as much as I should, and that pisses me off. And then I get madder, and that makes me eat less. Life becomes easier when you just have one problem - controlling food. I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't be doing this. I just had a piece of pizza and I feel like the biggest freak. anyways. I really want to stop feeling like this. you know? things that normal people consider snacks I feel incredibly guilty about. Which is stupid. and i'm just ranting and not caring about how my words fit. which is pretty much how i usually write, d@wg. I think i'd rather be massivly obese and have a BMI of 23958734853498563894563894563 and not care about food than have a BMI of 21 and hate it *although it's prolly up to like 23 now from all that pizza wow there i go again* . In fact, even if I was super-duper-duper skinny I think I would still want to get thinner. dumb. garrrrrr. so, I'm going to have 3 healthy meals everyday. and do more things that make me feel good. like being with my friends and shizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzot. I have this fear that all of my friends will leave me because i'm fat, lol. which makes no sense, because i have fat friends. and I love them! mehhhh. fat bodies don't disgust me. it's just when i see that i have a bloated belly from eating pizza that freaks me out. so I'm obsessed with myself. or my body, I guess. which is really narcissistic. yes, it is. there's something deeper, i think. or maybe not. yes, there is. yes yes yes. Like can't you see the grass is greener where it rains? that wasn't me, that was a quote from a really good song. i wish i was amanda... grrr. i wish i hadn't made all the mistakes i did. i wish i would just be able to shut up sometimes. i wish i could just live in a world where i was... FREE. or something. like, away. away away away. i like to be cushioned though. i like people and things and possessions. i like comfoooooooort. you may think i'm selfish, i think i'm a shellfish. BLORL... i wish i had never heard of sex or boys or any of those icky things.i wish I was a boy. i wish i was charlie, maybe. that'd be cool if my name was charlie. it'd be cool if my face was purple. my favorite color. someday i'll drive. i will crash, but i will drive. maybe i'll fly off a cliff. maybe i'll have a near-life experience. someday i will be enlightened. someday i'll love myself. someday i'll be able to eat properly, without feeling guilty or eating for others. for myself. ME. i will dominate life eventually. not sure how. but i will. don't worry. now i must get back to messy math homework. watch as the spiders come.