(no subject)
Social media is not as appealing as it once was. However, I feel like I'm not expressing my love enough if I don't post the people in my circle. How, though?? You hear people in couples complaining that their person doesn't post them and it upsets them. I'm so busy and consumed with being with the people within my circle that I have a hard time finding the time and patience to share it with the world. Why would I be more concerned with their pleasure than my own? If I wanted others to experience it with me, I would have invited them, no?? I get it, family and friends want to see and keep up with the progress or growth or whatever the case. Makes sense, I KNOWWWWW. but do I really get down on myself if I'm not putting forth the effort to post giving them the accessibility into my life if I don't have intention to share my progress or life status?? If that even makes sense. Sometimes I use more words than necessary, complicating things. Am I really lack of care because I am not allowing others to witness my life?? Am I a deck for that?? If they wanted to know, they could ask, no? I dunno...trying to work through my guilt of feeling like a trash mom for not posting my life and my kid. Did it really even happen if it's not posted? AhhhH!!!!!
Let's talk about what is NOT pleasurable...having a rotten ass morning because your kid is against you at every angle. He keeps saying, 'you made me like this' and a small piece of me feels he is right. I have my own issues and I certainly haven't dealt with my emotions properly in the past, so what do I expect from him? I have to figure something out on how to handle it now and undo the damage I may have created with my instability and inability to emotionally regulate. He may be right that I caused him to be the way he is. But now that we may both recognize it to be true, I need to figure out how to go from here. What do we do now? Poor Austin. I'm trying SO hard, but I'm struggling SO much inside and trying SO hard to not take it out on him or to say things I don't mean or want to say that will hurt him or upset him. I'm trying so hard, but I really STRUGGLE. Then the guilt that I can't do better, be better eats me alive.
Found myself saying I regretting being a parent and that I hate it so much. How parenting is NOT fun and NOT beautiful and it's taking my whole life from me. On the other foot, this is all I have and all I recognize myself as. This is what I crave and cling to and what I wanted. This is what fills my voids and helps me through life and teaches me everything that I've learned thus far. How can something you love so deeply and strongly that you would die if anything ever happened to them, that you worry and stress over the tiniest things because of the possibility of harm....but yet it brings you the most upset and suffering you've dealt with? When it's good it's great, when it's not great, it fucking sucks.
When I think about, okay, if you were giving the opportunity, you know, like in the movies, to go back in time, or to start over and do it all over again, would you?? Would I? I start to panic and think no no no NO I couldn't possibly even mess with it because I'd be SO worried that one decision or choice would lead me on the path that wouldn't end me up with Austin. I would be too scared I'd mess up and not get my baby. My love. It terrifies me thinking about it. How badly I would want to go back and redo and undo and mend or whatever....but I would be too scared I wouldn't end up with Austin and I couldn't handle that. I would never be happy again and I know that deep in my soul. My soulmate would be missing. To call parenting a mistake, NO...but to say it is SO incredibly difficult and exhausting and upsetting and it changes everything taking you down with it if you let it.....I mean it.
I love you Austin, with my whole heart, I wish I was a better Mom for you. Everyone says I'm a great Mom, including you, but I know I can be better. I can do better. I need to figure this out. Need to figure myself out. Need to figure out how to process and regulate, because I can't have you doing this work on yourself this late in your life when you figure out your parent messed you up with their emotional immaturity as well. I'll be DAMNED. Love you, babe.
Let's talk about what is NOT pleasurable...having a rotten ass morning because your kid is against you at every angle. He keeps saying, 'you made me like this' and a small piece of me feels he is right. I have my own issues and I certainly haven't dealt with my emotions properly in the past, so what do I expect from him? I have to figure something out on how to handle it now and undo the damage I may have created with my instability and inability to emotionally regulate. He may be right that I caused him to be the way he is. But now that we may both recognize it to be true, I need to figure out how to go from here. What do we do now? Poor Austin. I'm trying SO hard, but I'm struggling SO much inside and trying SO hard to not take it out on him or to say things I don't mean or want to say that will hurt him or upset him. I'm trying so hard, but I really STRUGGLE. Then the guilt that I can't do better, be better eats me alive.
Found myself saying I regretting being a parent and that I hate it so much. How parenting is NOT fun and NOT beautiful and it's taking my whole life from me. On the other foot, this is all I have and all I recognize myself as. This is what I crave and cling to and what I wanted. This is what fills my voids and helps me through life and teaches me everything that I've learned thus far. How can something you love so deeply and strongly that you would die if anything ever happened to them, that you worry and stress over the tiniest things because of the possibility of harm....but yet it brings you the most upset and suffering you've dealt with? When it's good it's great, when it's not great, it fucking sucks.
When I think about, okay, if you were giving the opportunity, you know, like in the movies, to go back in time, or to start over and do it all over again, would you?? Would I? I start to panic and think no no no NO I couldn't possibly even mess with it because I'd be SO worried that one decision or choice would lead me on the path that wouldn't end me up with Austin. I would be too scared I'd mess up and not get my baby. My love. It terrifies me thinking about it. How badly I would want to go back and redo and undo and mend or whatever....but I would be too scared I wouldn't end up with Austin and I couldn't handle that. I would never be happy again and I know that deep in my soul. My soulmate would be missing. To call parenting a mistake, NO...but to say it is SO incredibly difficult and exhausting and upsetting and it changes everything taking you down with it if you let it.....I mean it.
I love you Austin, with my whole heart, I wish I was a better Mom for you. Everyone says I'm a great Mom, including you, but I know I can be better. I can do better. I need to figure this out. Need to figure myself out. Need to figure out how to process and regulate, because I can't have you doing this work on yourself this late in your life when you figure out your parent messed you up with their emotional immaturity as well. I'll be DAMNED. Love you, babe.