losing control.
A lot of shit has been going down in my life right now. I'm not sure how to deal with it or even begin how to change. I wish friends were more supportive than anything else. Over the last couple months, I've lost some really important people in my life. I wish I could go back in time and change my mistakes. I've made way to many mistakes in my life already and i haven't even reached that 18 year old mark yet. I feel as if everybody's disappointed in me and I can't change that, even though I can. I feel like the thing I have always enjoyed and had so many good times with is now my enemy. Actually when I think of it.. it is kinda stupid. I just don't know anymore. I just wish there is an easy way out but i fucking know theres not.
Alright... I have to get this out. Saturday night , the usual came over to smoke it up like we usually do every weekend. That night we had mad munchies so we went to IHOP for food. Actually , i don't recall getting anything because I had no money so I was just kinda there I guess. Anyways... during the night when we were there.... my mom calls and says she found something in my drawer. I fucking knew I got caught when she said that. She was pretty upset and everything. I tried to make a story up and say it was really strong tobacco and I knew my mom would believe it but i doubted my dad would because he smoked it when he was my age. Yeah.. it worked until my brother had to say something. I knew he would let out sooner or later. Well, the next day when my dad came home.. my mom showed him the stuff and he automatically knew what it was and I knew I couldn't hide it no more. I had to be straight up with them. My dad already kinda knew about it but never really said anything. I know this is surprising but I think my brother did the right thing in telling them because if he didn't ... I could be in jail or be really messed up if I prolonged it. It's confusing for me because I want to quit but I don't. That probably confuses you more than me but that's how I feel about it. I know if I keep doing it my life won't really turn out the way I want it to. But.. on the other hand.. I'm just a kid and I wanna enjoy life while I can. I know I really upset my parents and my grandmother. I DO feel ashamed and feel very awkward around her now. But I feel like my dad is the only one who understands me now because he used and he's been there. I know for a fact my brother doesn't understand me at all and my mom says she does but she really DOESN'T. My grandma... I have no idea how she feels.. i mean I know she feels hurt and everything but I don't know if she understands or just says it to make me feel better. Right now... I really don't care what anybody says because it's my life and all but I do care at the same time. My dad says I'm going through a phase and I hope he's right because I hope when I'm around it I can say no. That would suck if I'm that addicted to it already. I already am to cigarettes. Alcohol... like if it's there I'll drink it. I don't need it. But with weed, it's TOTALLY different. I know I say right now " Oh I quit " . But when I'm there around it and the smell and everything... well... let's just say it's gonna be a challenge. I know it's obvious drugs are bad for you. DRUGS OR DEATH. But I don't see it like that. I see it as living your life to the fullest. I can honestly say nobody understands that except me, myself and i. I just want life to be fun until I settle down with kids, family, careers. Life is precious but life should also be risky. I don't wanna live my life being so cautious and so distressed about shit. No sir. But I don't want my life in the gutter neither. Ugh.. so many things to be concerned about it's not even funny. I wish there was a button to push to fix everything, but we know that'll never happen.
As of now.. I'm going to try and quit. That is all. Bye.
Alright... I have to get this out. Saturday night , the usual came over to smoke it up like we usually do every weekend. That night we had mad munchies so we went to IHOP for food. Actually , i don't recall getting anything because I had no money so I was just kinda there I guess. Anyways... during the night when we were there.... my mom calls and says she found something in my drawer. I fucking knew I got caught when she said that. She was pretty upset and everything. I tried to make a story up and say it was really strong tobacco and I knew my mom would believe it but i doubted my dad would because he smoked it when he was my age. Yeah.. it worked until my brother had to say something. I knew he would let out sooner or later. Well, the next day when my dad came home.. my mom showed him the stuff and he automatically knew what it was and I knew I couldn't hide it no more. I had to be straight up with them. My dad already kinda knew about it but never really said anything. I know this is surprising but I think my brother did the right thing in telling them because if he didn't ... I could be in jail or be really messed up if I prolonged it. It's confusing for me because I want to quit but I don't. That probably confuses you more than me but that's how I feel about it. I know if I keep doing it my life won't really turn out the way I want it to. But.. on the other hand.. I'm just a kid and I wanna enjoy life while I can. I know I really upset my parents and my grandmother. I DO feel ashamed and feel very awkward around her now. But I feel like my dad is the only one who understands me now because he used and he's been there. I know for a fact my brother doesn't understand me at all and my mom says she does but she really DOESN'T. My grandma... I have no idea how she feels.. i mean I know she feels hurt and everything but I don't know if she understands or just says it to make me feel better. Right now... I really don't care what anybody says because it's my life and all but I do care at the same time. My dad says I'm going through a phase and I hope he's right because I hope when I'm around it I can say no. That would suck if I'm that addicted to it already. I already am to cigarettes. Alcohol... like if it's there I'll drink it. I don't need it. But with weed, it's TOTALLY different. I know I say right now " Oh I quit " . But when I'm there around it and the smell and everything... well... let's just say it's gonna be a challenge. I know it's obvious drugs are bad for you. DRUGS OR DEATH. But I don't see it like that. I see it as living your life to the fullest. I can honestly say nobody understands that except me, myself and i. I just want life to be fun until I settle down with kids, family, careers. Life is precious but life should also be risky. I don't wanna live my life being so cautious and so distressed about shit. No sir. But I don't want my life in the gutter neither. Ugh.. so many things to be concerned about it's not even funny. I wish there was a button to push to fix everything, but we know that'll never happen.
As of now.. I'm going to try and quit. That is all. Bye.