and more to come later........
I have to wake up for school in 6 hours. i fell asleep on the couch earlier today. i want to sleep so badly!! maybe it's because i stayed up until 5 last night on morgan's computer. thats probably it.
haha Brak is on. i haven't seen this show in forever.
i just got off the phone with my brother. he's going through a really rough time right now. i'll probably make a protected post later about it. if it were anyone else, i would have told them they were wasting their time. i would have told them to just give up. it's over. anyone else would have heard that. but it's times like that that i am so glad i have a brother. he makes me so much more sure of myself. i always wished for a sister, but it was always an empty wish. i'm closer to my brother than i am to anyone i know. we came out of the same womb. no one else knows exactly what i go through with each of my parents. no one else knows exactly how the people are in my family. no one knows exactly what it feels like to lose members of my family.
sure, everyone suffers loss.
everyone suffers family problems.
and those are the bonds that siblings share. thats why they are so special. every sibling has that connection. no outsider quite understands what it's truly like in that family. they can compare, they can assume. but thats why family is so great. siblings are so great. they suffer together.
its definitely not all bad though. my brother helps me overcome so many problems personally. things i would never tell anyone except my best girlfriends. i know things that his closest friends dont know. i know things he doesnt share with anyone. a lot of the time, i know more than he thinks i do. a lot of the time i know more than he does because i get the outsiders perspective too. and that one works both ways. every once in a while, we will just talk. it feels so great and it completely rejuvenates me. he makes me realize things i already knew, but he sees them too. things that i only assumed or may have been seen as pigheaded to come out with.
he pushes me. he pushes me like no one else can. he is the only person that i hold nothing back from. things about our childhood. there are secrets that would stay with him to his grave and i'm the only one that knows them.
we talked about my grandpa joe. we talked about how he was and still is our best friend. we talked about how much he influenced us while we were growing up and how he still does. he was always the one that taught us to never be afraid. we still go visit him all the time and i need to more than i do. he taught us to always have laughter in our lives. he would play with us and goof off with us for hours. and he had just as much fun doing it as we did. we talked about how he's the reason justin chews tobacco. they used to chew it together when justin was like 15 years old. he always has done it and i'm just used to it. i've tried to get him to quit, but he says it reminds him of grandpa and i could never ask him to quit something like that.
we talked about how when he passes away, we're bother going to get tattoos for him over our hearts. we're going to do it together too. we both cried on the phone. i think i'm the only person who knows he cries about things. and he's one of the only people that i will let know i'm crying. there is make-up all over my hands from wiping my face and i'm sure i look like a raccoon.
its the talks like this that mean so much to me. its talks like this that make me so proud to be his sister. things that no one else will ever hear. things no one else will ever know. i tell him stories that none of my friends have heard. i explain things to him differently. he's so open minded towards most things i tell him.
he tells me all the reasons he has for the things he does. he watches out for me. he explained to me why his friend chris punched out my boyfriend freshmen year. he explained the rule of older brother. (as follows:)
"if any guy ever fucks you up or fucks you over, you tell him to go out in our backyard and start digging a 6 foot hole. i'll be home as quick as i can drive home."
then i let him know how i could hold my own and how i've given guys black eyes before. i dont know what it is about fighting, but we have a bond there too. he said that if a guy ever messes with me that he'd be lucky to have to deal with him instead of having to deal with my dad. it feels good to know that someone has my back. my mom will make her own assumptions about the people i date. my dad will always hate them, its what most dads do. but justin will actually take all aspects into consideration. he'll make sure im not being blind or stupid. but on the other hand, he wants to give me my space. he said 'its your life'. he says its his motto.
i wonder if he knows mine:
"live and let live."
its times like this when i know we're related
or when he'll go to spill a big secret about himself. something he's never told anyone.
and i already know it.
i love things like that.
and when he can vouch for me and knows all of my secrets too.
i give him a bad rap sometimes, but he really is amazing.
i'm so much closer to him than i'll ever admit in person. than i'll ever be able to put into words. i think about him all the time. i wonder how he is and i always hope he's doing alright. he usually is, and if he isnt, i'm the first person he'll turn to.
he finally has his life figured out. he knows what he wants to do and im so so so proud of him. i cant even explain. he went through phases where he didnt know what he wanted. he would make things up just to appease mom. we talked a lot about her too. but he finally has shit figured out. he's so confident too. he's doing well in his job. he makes great money. he's good apartment with great people. he said the people he lives with are the greatest. theyre like brothers to him. he said he wants them to be beside him at the alter when hes saying 'i do' to a woman. thats so great for him. im so happy for him that he finally is figuring out what he wants. he's coming home, but he doesnt plan on staying here. he's making connections and really going about things the right way. he finally knows what he wants. he's done his research and figured out a plan of action that is actually withing his reach. he talked to me about my school career. he just kept saying 'dont fuck up like me'. he had the world at his fingertips but he partied it all away. he flunked out of his school in the third year. he could have taken one more year and gone on to do masters work. been placed into a job. and he explained how he watched it fall through his fingertips. he said i have to do whatever it takes because he thinks i can do it. that made me cry.
he has faith in me that my own mother won't even put in me.
i dont even want to get started on her right now.
i think i'm going to try and go to bed for a while. i'll write a lot more in a while, theres a lot on my mind right now, especially after talking to him for so long. i love him. we never say it, but its that unspoken thing. my dad says it to me every night or every time he hangs up the phone. its comforting. my mom never says it to me unless i say it to her first. i feel like i have to force it out of her. theres sometimes she wont even say it back. with justin, i know i dont even have to say it, i know its there. thats the best feeling in the world. with dad, he wouldn't have to say it and i would feel it, but its always nice to hear from him. with mom, its not the same though. especially lately. we've just been clashing a lot lately.
but there will be more about my brother soon and hopefully i can get to sleep now.
im happy that he's going to be okay. im happy he calls me when he hits a rough spot. i like knowing that he can confide in me and he feels like he can talk to me. i love that feeling, its the best feeling.
that, and not having to say 'i love you', but being able to just know.
take care
love always
<3 :)
haha Brak is on. i haven't seen this show in forever.
i just got off the phone with my brother. he's going through a really rough time right now. i'll probably make a protected post later about it. if it were anyone else, i would have told them they were wasting their time. i would have told them to just give up. it's over. anyone else would have heard that. but it's times like that that i am so glad i have a brother. he makes me so much more sure of myself. i always wished for a sister, but it was always an empty wish. i'm closer to my brother than i am to anyone i know. we came out of the same womb. no one else knows exactly what i go through with each of my parents. no one else knows exactly how the people are in my family. no one knows exactly what it feels like to lose members of my family.
sure, everyone suffers loss.
everyone suffers family problems.
and those are the bonds that siblings share. thats why they are so special. every sibling has that connection. no outsider quite understands what it's truly like in that family. they can compare, they can assume. but thats why family is so great. siblings are so great. they suffer together.
its definitely not all bad though. my brother helps me overcome so many problems personally. things i would never tell anyone except my best girlfriends. i know things that his closest friends dont know. i know things he doesnt share with anyone. a lot of the time, i know more than he thinks i do. a lot of the time i know more than he does because i get the outsiders perspective too. and that one works both ways. every once in a while, we will just talk. it feels so great and it completely rejuvenates me. he makes me realize things i already knew, but he sees them too. things that i only assumed or may have been seen as pigheaded to come out with.
he pushes me. he pushes me like no one else can. he is the only person that i hold nothing back from. things about our childhood. there are secrets that would stay with him to his grave and i'm the only one that knows them.
we talked about my grandpa joe. we talked about how he was and still is our best friend. we talked about how much he influenced us while we were growing up and how he still does. he was always the one that taught us to never be afraid. we still go visit him all the time and i need to more than i do. he taught us to always have laughter in our lives. he would play with us and goof off with us for hours. and he had just as much fun doing it as we did. we talked about how he's the reason justin chews tobacco. they used to chew it together when justin was like 15 years old. he always has done it and i'm just used to it. i've tried to get him to quit, but he says it reminds him of grandpa and i could never ask him to quit something like that.
we talked about how when he passes away, we're bother going to get tattoos for him over our hearts. we're going to do it together too. we both cried on the phone. i think i'm the only person who knows he cries about things. and he's one of the only people that i will let know i'm crying. there is make-up all over my hands from wiping my face and i'm sure i look like a raccoon.
its the talks like this that mean so much to me. its talks like this that make me so proud to be his sister. things that no one else will ever hear. things no one else will ever know. i tell him stories that none of my friends have heard. i explain things to him differently. he's so open minded towards most things i tell him.
he tells me all the reasons he has for the things he does. he watches out for me. he explained to me why his friend chris punched out my boyfriend freshmen year. he explained the rule of older brother. (as follows:)
"if any guy ever fucks you up or fucks you over, you tell him to go out in our backyard and start digging a 6 foot hole. i'll be home as quick as i can drive home."
then i let him know how i could hold my own and how i've given guys black eyes before. i dont know what it is about fighting, but we have a bond there too. he said that if a guy ever messes with me that he'd be lucky to have to deal with him instead of having to deal with my dad. it feels good to know that someone has my back. my mom will make her own assumptions about the people i date. my dad will always hate them, its what most dads do. but justin will actually take all aspects into consideration. he'll make sure im not being blind or stupid. but on the other hand, he wants to give me my space. he said 'its your life'. he says its his motto.
i wonder if he knows mine:
"live and let live."
its times like this when i know we're related
or when he'll go to spill a big secret about himself. something he's never told anyone.
and i already know it.
i love things like that.
and when he can vouch for me and knows all of my secrets too.
i give him a bad rap sometimes, but he really is amazing.
i'm so much closer to him than i'll ever admit in person. than i'll ever be able to put into words. i think about him all the time. i wonder how he is and i always hope he's doing alright. he usually is, and if he isnt, i'm the first person he'll turn to.
he finally has his life figured out. he knows what he wants to do and im so so so proud of him. i cant even explain. he went through phases where he didnt know what he wanted. he would make things up just to appease mom. we talked a lot about her too. but he finally has shit figured out. he's so confident too. he's doing well in his job. he makes great money. he's good apartment with great people. he said the people he lives with are the greatest. theyre like brothers to him. he said he wants them to be beside him at the alter when hes saying 'i do' to a woman. thats so great for him. im so happy for him that he finally is figuring out what he wants. he's coming home, but he doesnt plan on staying here. he's making connections and really going about things the right way. he finally knows what he wants. he's done his research and figured out a plan of action that is actually withing his reach. he talked to me about my school career. he just kept saying 'dont fuck up like me'. he had the world at his fingertips but he partied it all away. he flunked out of his school in the third year. he could have taken one more year and gone on to do masters work. been placed into a job. and he explained how he watched it fall through his fingertips. he said i have to do whatever it takes because he thinks i can do it. that made me cry.
he has faith in me that my own mother won't even put in me.
i dont even want to get started on her right now.
i think i'm going to try and go to bed for a while. i'll write a lot more in a while, theres a lot on my mind right now, especially after talking to him for so long. i love him. we never say it, but its that unspoken thing. my dad says it to me every night or every time he hangs up the phone. its comforting. my mom never says it to me unless i say it to her first. i feel like i have to force it out of her. theres sometimes she wont even say it back. with justin, i know i dont even have to say it, i know its there. thats the best feeling in the world. with dad, he wouldn't have to say it and i would feel it, but its always nice to hear from him. with mom, its not the same though. especially lately. we've just been clashing a lot lately.
but there will be more about my brother soon and hopefully i can get to sleep now.
im happy that he's going to be okay. im happy he calls me when he hits a rough spot. i like knowing that he can confide in me and he feels like he can talk to me. i love that feeling, its the best feeling.
that, and not having to say 'i love you', but being able to just know.
take care
love always
<3 :)