Rather blue...
Ach shit. I am so depressed. It is many little things. Uni, the car, having broken up with Alex.
Yeah, if you havn't caught on yet, I'm single again. Anyway. Uni is a stress and a half. All the final projects are due this and next week. I'm as always trying to come to grips with what I want to do with my life. I am so terrified. I will be done with University in a year and a half and I have nothing to show for it. The constant self-doubt and terror of the future awaits me. On a positive note I have decided to take up a double major next semester. I'll be doing Image and Space again. It actually is something I CAN do and somewhat enjoy.
The car.... the fucking car. I'm.... annoyed. Frustrated. I don't want to think on it. It's still not fixed. Shit, I need to grow up more. Do my own thing. Be responsible.
And then there's the breaking up thing. I thought I'd handle it a lot better than I have been. But no. It's like fricking... *counts on fingers* two and a half or so years ago. All over again. Only I'm no where near as attached. I feel resentful and frustrated. I think I definitely see a pattern here and I seriously need to work on my emotions. There is no reason for me to be this upset. But then again... I let myself be vulnerable and I hate that. I don't like opening up to people and I really tried here and got nothing back. Nothing that I needed. And it only dawned on me yesterday how childish I feel. No wonder I still feel like I'm 17. I haven't grown emotionally at all. And maybe that's part of the problem. I got some fricking advise from the last person on earth that I'd accept relationship advice from, yesterday. But I took it because it is true. And I am just stunned that I actually got this advice because it is something I always felt I'd do anyway. Move slower. I know... I know this. So why didn't I heed my own thoughts at the beginning of all this? And how fricking delusional must I be to have gone against my own convictions and how socially retarded must I be for me not to have realised when this friend of mine knew it and abides by it. I feel like such a fool. I feel embarrassed.
I don't want this to end badly. I don't want to feel this sickening knot in my gut when I talk to him. I don't want to feel these... ugly, ugly feelings. I just want to not care and be friends. So much still needs to be said but I don't know how to word it all.
Poo.
Man I wish I could be like Vash. Smile and seem happy when I'm not. But I've got this damn cloud of gloom and doom about me. Can't shake it off right now. Though I did thin it out a bit via retail therapy. Went out with friends for lunch and we slunk into JB-HiFi. I knew it be a mistake and that I'd come out with some purchase. I found the Howl's Moving Castle limited edition double disc set. Limited Edition my foot. It's everywhere, lol. I was also going to buy Millenium Actress but instead Chris pointed me to the Firefly boxset for only $25. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! Man... That's a steal, so I got that as well. I also bought the TinTin boxset for a friend coz she really fawned over it. All four of us walked out with something new. It was good. Hehehe. And it's the first anime I have bought in such a long time. The last purchase I made was the last Wolf's Rain volume, last year some time.
I also saw Sigur Ros albums in store which I was excited about. Alas I have them all so I needn't buy them. How naughty of me. And speaking of being naughty Utada Hikaru's latest album Ultra Blue came out today and I downloaded it a day early. I heared one track from it, Blue, and really liked the sound of it. For anyone who has heared Passon you can liken it to that. Energetic but not too pop. A lovely electronic sound and yet not overpowering. And it's got pretty bits in it. Basically the whole album is like this, which I am very pleased about. Her American debute album Exodus was just shocking, so having this new album come out is a delight. Did you know that she was actually born in America? :O Anyway... the album consists of 13 tracks. There are two tracks, Color, and Be My Last which have been on previous albums. I don't see the point of these songs. They havn't been redone at all. They sound exactly the same as on the other albums. Weird. Ultra Blue also features Keep Tryin' and Passion on it, which is enough reason to buy it, in my opinion. Or download it. Whatever.
Here's the track Blue.mp3 7.2MB
I fell in love with it almost instantly.
And I just need to say that my portable mp3 is slowly fucking up. It makes me sad. And worried. Please don't die on me! Not yet! *cringes*
Ok. I think that's all that needs to be said for now. I do feel better right now. But it's going to take me a while before I'm all right in the head again.
Yeah, if you havn't caught on yet, I'm single again. Anyway. Uni is a stress and a half. All the final projects are due this and next week. I'm as always trying to come to grips with what I want to do with my life. I am so terrified. I will be done with University in a year and a half and I have nothing to show for it. The constant self-doubt and terror of the future awaits me. On a positive note I have decided to take up a double major next semester. I'll be doing Image and Space again. It actually is something I CAN do and somewhat enjoy.
The car.... the fucking car. I'm.... annoyed. Frustrated. I don't want to think on it. It's still not fixed. Shit, I need to grow up more. Do my own thing. Be responsible.
And then there's the breaking up thing. I thought I'd handle it a lot better than I have been. But no. It's like fricking... *counts on fingers* two and a half or so years ago. All over again. Only I'm no where near as attached. I feel resentful and frustrated. I think I definitely see a pattern here and I seriously need to work on my emotions. There is no reason for me to be this upset. But then again... I let myself be vulnerable and I hate that. I don't like opening up to people and I really tried here and got nothing back. Nothing that I needed. And it only dawned on me yesterday how childish I feel. No wonder I still feel like I'm 17. I haven't grown emotionally at all. And maybe that's part of the problem. I got some fricking advise from the last person on earth that I'd accept relationship advice from, yesterday. But I took it because it is true. And I am just stunned that I actually got this advice because it is something I always felt I'd do anyway. Move slower. I know... I know this. So why didn't I heed my own thoughts at the beginning of all this? And how fricking delusional must I be to have gone against my own convictions and how socially retarded must I be for me not to have realised when this friend of mine knew it and abides by it. I feel like such a fool. I feel embarrassed.
I don't want this to end badly. I don't want to feel this sickening knot in my gut when I talk to him. I don't want to feel these... ugly, ugly feelings. I just want to not care and be friends. So much still needs to be said but I don't know how to word it all.
Poo.
Man I wish I could be like Vash. Smile and seem happy when I'm not. But I've got this damn cloud of gloom and doom about me. Can't shake it off right now. Though I did thin it out a bit via retail therapy. Went out with friends for lunch and we slunk into JB-HiFi. I knew it be a mistake and that I'd come out with some purchase. I found the Howl's Moving Castle limited edition double disc set. Limited Edition my foot. It's everywhere, lol. I was also going to buy Millenium Actress but instead Chris pointed me to the Firefly boxset for only $25. TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS! Man... That's a steal, so I got that as well. I also bought the TinTin boxset for a friend coz she really fawned over it. All four of us walked out with something new. It was good. Hehehe. And it's the first anime I have bought in such a long time. The last purchase I made was the last Wolf's Rain volume, last year some time.
I also saw Sigur Ros albums in store which I was excited about. Alas I have them all so I needn't buy them. How naughty of me. And speaking of being naughty Utada Hikaru's latest album Ultra Blue came out today and I downloaded it a day early. I heared one track from it, Blue, and really liked the sound of it. For anyone who has heared Passon you can liken it to that. Energetic but not too pop. A lovely electronic sound and yet not overpowering. And it's got pretty bits in it. Basically the whole album is like this, which I am very pleased about. Her American debute album Exodus was just shocking, so having this new album come out is a delight. Did you know that she was actually born in America? :O Anyway... the album consists of 13 tracks. There are two tracks, Color, and Be My Last which have been on previous albums. I don't see the point of these songs. They havn't been redone at all. They sound exactly the same as on the other albums. Weird. Ultra Blue also features Keep Tryin' and Passion on it, which is enough reason to buy it, in my opinion. Or download it. Whatever.
Here's the track Blue.mp3 7.2MB
I fell in love with it almost instantly.
And I just need to say that my portable mp3 is slowly fucking up. It makes me sad. And worried. Please don't die on me! Not yet! *cringes*
Ok. I think that's all that needs to be said for now. I do feel better right now. But it's going to take me a while before I'm all right in the head again.