Inner reflections
I just found out alot about myself tonight, and maybe i need to think myself over again. It's that time for proverbial self-cleaning again. So. I'm gonna make a resolution to be less.. annoying, less overbearing.. less caustic.. smart alicky.. and.. just.. less mean.
I always knew i was rather annoying. I think it could be attributed to alot of things, yet because they are so numerous things that attribute to it it's hard to pin down that. I think it's an ingraned personality thing. Depending on how i meet you i'll either come off.. slightly intellegent, humble and meek and more embarrised than you could imagine, or a very annoying girl you thought was 15.
Caustic.. smart alick, sarcasm. Yes, i'll freely admit i like to use all of them. Sarcasm is kind of like a fishing line. I only use it with people i think who can appreciate dry humor. Then again, sometimes i over cast it, miss the target and use it on the wrong people, offending them or making myself not welcome where i am. So, before i reel the line in, i should see who the target is.
Nothing i ever do is an act. Each way i am-- is me. It's just different faucets that make up me. I make a huge effort to be friendly, a person who can learn, a listener, a watcher, a vocalist and sometimes a humorist. I guess i dont judge who i use them on well, either. For i seem to have offended a few people i learn and that bothers me.
It's not the feeling of dread.. but more of "wow, i'm really like that? I'm really, really and idiot" feeling. I know you've all had one there.
My intentions i guess, are never clear. And in the end i think i end up pushing all my friends away, wheither on accident or purpose i dont know.
I know i've lost touch with alot reciently. Friends, extended friends, mentors, family... i think it all just happens. So... maybe i need to fix it. Well. wait, there is no maybe. I just need to find out what i'm doing wrong.
My biggest fear is simply everyone elses: being rejected. No one wants that. just as sometimes no one wants to open their eyes and see the truths before them. And tonight, some truths were layed out very plainly to me. and it's made me think twice about what i do and who i present to people. I'm against making up images to be polite to people. for i believe you really should be who you are. and sadly enough, it either gets me hated, or not liked, because i am who i am. Yet at the same time, when people tell you truths, and you want to fix them, you can't help but wonder if after you've royally screwed up, that that person won't believe you.
I want nothing more to be believed, and known that when i choose to, i am serious. and what i say, is true. So.. to all of you out there reading this horribly.. interperspectivly writing, if i've done anything to offend you, use this as one step of an apology to you.
All of you know who you are when i say 'friend'. I don't think i need to list you here, as, we all know, i'd likely miss someone because i find one of the most hardest tasks yet is listing all your friends. But know that my sarcasm, wit, or elsewhich is never meant to be taken the wrong way, or hurt. and if it has in the past, then.. i am sorry. I will make a consious effort to be less sarcastic so's to not offend anyone.
I think, just like a garden, i need to weed myself out and find out where i am going now in life. I know that i now have a job, if not a real career. and i have already taken the first step in 'going somewhere' with my life that i have. And maybe the next step is simply starting here with this entry. straightening myself out.
-Lynn
I always knew i was rather annoying. I think it could be attributed to alot of things, yet because they are so numerous things that attribute to it it's hard to pin down that. I think it's an ingraned personality thing. Depending on how i meet you i'll either come off.. slightly intellegent, humble and meek and more embarrised than you could imagine, or a very annoying girl you thought was 15.
Caustic.. smart alick, sarcasm. Yes, i'll freely admit i like to use all of them. Sarcasm is kind of like a fishing line. I only use it with people i think who can appreciate dry humor. Then again, sometimes i over cast it, miss the target and use it on the wrong people, offending them or making myself not welcome where i am. So, before i reel the line in, i should see who the target is.
Nothing i ever do is an act. Each way i am-- is me. It's just different faucets that make up me. I make a huge effort to be friendly, a person who can learn, a listener, a watcher, a vocalist and sometimes a humorist. I guess i dont judge who i use them on well, either. For i seem to have offended a few people i learn and that bothers me.
It's not the feeling of dread.. but more of "wow, i'm really like that? I'm really, really and idiot" feeling. I know you've all had one there.
My intentions i guess, are never clear. And in the end i think i end up pushing all my friends away, wheither on accident or purpose i dont know.
I know i've lost touch with alot reciently. Friends, extended friends, mentors, family... i think it all just happens. So... maybe i need to fix it. Well. wait, there is no maybe. I just need to find out what i'm doing wrong.
My biggest fear is simply everyone elses: being rejected. No one wants that. just as sometimes no one wants to open their eyes and see the truths before them. And tonight, some truths were layed out very plainly to me. and it's made me think twice about what i do and who i present to people. I'm against making up images to be polite to people. for i believe you really should be who you are. and sadly enough, it either gets me hated, or not liked, because i am who i am. Yet at the same time, when people tell you truths, and you want to fix them, you can't help but wonder if after you've royally screwed up, that that person won't believe you.
I want nothing more to be believed, and known that when i choose to, i am serious. and what i say, is true. So.. to all of you out there reading this horribly.. interperspectivly writing, if i've done anything to offend you, use this as one step of an apology to you.
All of you know who you are when i say 'friend'. I don't think i need to list you here, as, we all know, i'd likely miss someone because i find one of the most hardest tasks yet is listing all your friends. But know that my sarcasm, wit, or elsewhich is never meant to be taken the wrong way, or hurt. and if it has in the past, then.. i am sorry. I will make a consious effort to be less sarcastic so's to not offend anyone.
I think, just like a garden, i need to weed myself out and find out where i am going now in life. I know that i now have a job, if not a real career. and i have already taken the first step in 'going somewhere' with my life that i have. And maybe the next step is simply starting here with this entry. straightening myself out.
-Lynn