Just in the pick of time...
...so, to Week 3 of the NFL football season. The wild and wacky world of the NFL, wherein the Green Bay Packers, Detroit Lions, and Houston Texans are 2-0, and the Philadelphia Eagles, New Orleans Saints, and St. Louis Rams are 0-2. One where a teams fortunes can change in the span of a week (for proof, just see the Cleveland Browns!) A game where every week matters. 60 minutes of pure adrenaline pumping through hard bodies as they smash into one another with a force that could move mountains. This, friends, is perfection personified.
...and now that I've done my best John Facenda and eaten up a few words, it's time for the 3rd week of my STONE-COLD, LEAD-PIPE, TAKE-EM-TO-THE-BANK, PAY-OFF-YOUR-BOOKIE, SLAM-DUNK, ALL-IN, HAMMER, TOTALLY WRONG NFL PICKS OF THE WEEK!
Colts at Texans--The Texans are 2-0...undefeated after week 2 for the first time in the long and storied history of the franchise! ...Okay, it's four years old...but it's still an accomplishment. That ends when Peyton and Company roll in to town, though. Oh, it'll be a game, but it'll still be in hand. Pick: Colts
Bills at Patriots--So, the Pats beat a good team...and without cheating! We think. And now it's time to once again roll through the AFC East like they've done so many times before. Pick: Pats
Dolphins at Jets--The question here is, can anyone differentiate themselves from the AFC East pack so that any of them can get a wild card? I don't think so, but the Jets are gonna try. Pick: Jets
Lions at Eagles--What is this? The Lions are 2-0? The Lions? Matt Millen isn't being ridiculed by Lions fans? Well, they go into always sunny Philadelphia where...they're the underdog? Oddsmakers aren't trusting them yet. But they should after this one. Pick: Lions
49ers at Steelers--It's at least good to see that it might just possibly be that the Steelers are that good rather than the Browns being that bad. But, we really should save that thought until after they beat someone good. Like this week. Pick: Steelers
Rams at Buccaneers--Okay, the Bucs got their win over a South opponent...it can't happen a second time, right? Well, this is being played at the Sombrero, and the Rams do have those dark colors...and Stephen Jackson isn't living up to the hype. I think Tampa's gonna roll. Pick: Bucs
Chargers at Packers--The Pack is also 2-0. Brett Fav-ruh must feel like he did when he grew his stubble for the first time. Meanwhilst, the Chargers are coming off a rather embarrassing loss to the Pats. A real team comes up to the tundra and gives the Pack what's for. Pick: Chargers
Cardinals at Ravens--McNair or Boller? Boller or McNair? The question isn't who's gonna start, but whether they can keep it out of the hands of the opposing offense. I'm thinking no, and I'm thinking minor upset. Pick: Cardinals
Vikings at Chiefs--The Vikes get the privilege of going into Arrowhead. But the team housed within ain't like it used to be. Maybe Trent Green was something there. Turning this team into the Larry Johnson Show just means that the opposition will fit 8 men in the box...and that spells trouble and doom for the Chiefs. Pick: Vikings
Browns at Raiders--Ok...I got it all figured out. I've gotta pick against the Browns for any chance of them winning. This only applies to the Browns, thanks to Jax's Internet Principle of Favorite Perversity...this doesn't work on any other team. Which means if I pick every Browns game wrong, they'll be 15-1 at season's end. So, while my heart goes to Cleveland...the pick goes elsewhere. Pick: Raiders
Bengals at Seahawks--So, apparently, the jailbreak defense doesn't work. If Derek Anderson and the Browns O can pick apart D's...think of what a real team can do. Pick: Seahawks
Jaguars at Broncos--The Holcom--er, Garrard show goes to Mile High. Denver is not impressed. Pick: Broncos
Panthers at Falcons--Well, the Panthers aren't like they once were. Even with Steve Smith goin' off, they still manage to lose. Well, at least they get a breather this week. Pick: Panthers
Giants at Redskins--Coming off an impressive performance at Philly, the Skins come home to face an unravelling team that can't keep discipline under a disciplinarian. This should be easy. Pick: Skins
Cowboys at Bears--The Game of the Week...even though it won't feature much in the way of points. The Bears O is too bad, and the Bears D is too good. The game will be close only because Devin Hester touches the ball at some point. Pick: Cowboys, and take the under.
Titans at Saints--So, can the suddenly "Aint's" turn it around against Vince Young and Co.? They can, but it won't be easy. Pick: Saints
...so, there are the picks you can bet on, or against, or something. And yes, Virginia, there is a Beakman tomorrow.
...and now that I've done my best John Facenda and eaten up a few words, it's time for the 3rd week of my STONE-COLD, LEAD-PIPE, TAKE-EM-TO-THE-BANK, PAY-OFF-YOUR-BOOKIE, SLAM-DUNK, ALL-IN, HAMMER, TOTALLY WRONG NFL PICKS OF THE WEEK!
Colts at Texans--The Texans are 2-0...undefeated after week 2 for the first time in the long and storied history of the franchise! ...Okay, it's four years old...but it's still an accomplishment. That ends when Peyton and Company roll in to town, though. Oh, it'll be a game, but it'll still be in hand. Pick: Colts
Bills at Patriots--So, the Pats beat a good team...and without cheating! We think. And now it's time to once again roll through the AFC East like they've done so many times before. Pick: Pats
Dolphins at Jets--The question here is, can anyone differentiate themselves from the AFC East pack so that any of them can get a wild card? I don't think so, but the Jets are gonna try. Pick: Jets
Lions at Eagles--What is this? The Lions are 2-0? The Lions? Matt Millen isn't being ridiculed by Lions fans? Well, they go into always sunny Philadelphia where...they're the underdog? Oddsmakers aren't trusting them yet. But they should after this one. Pick: Lions
49ers at Steelers--It's at least good to see that it might just possibly be that the Steelers are that good rather than the Browns being that bad. But, we really should save that thought until after they beat someone good. Like this week. Pick: Steelers
Rams at Buccaneers--Okay, the Bucs got their win over a South opponent...it can't happen a second time, right? Well, this is being played at the Sombrero, and the Rams do have those dark colors...and Stephen Jackson isn't living up to the hype. I think Tampa's gonna roll. Pick: Bucs
Chargers at Packers--The Pack is also 2-0. Brett Fav-ruh must feel like he did when he grew his stubble for the first time. Meanwhilst, the Chargers are coming off a rather embarrassing loss to the Pats. A real team comes up to the tundra and gives the Pack what's for. Pick: Chargers
Cardinals at Ravens--McNair or Boller? Boller or McNair? The question isn't who's gonna start, but whether they can keep it out of the hands of the opposing offense. I'm thinking no, and I'm thinking minor upset. Pick: Cardinals
Vikings at Chiefs--The Vikes get the privilege of going into Arrowhead. But the team housed within ain't like it used to be. Maybe Trent Green was something there. Turning this team into the Larry Johnson Show just means that the opposition will fit 8 men in the box...and that spells trouble and doom for the Chiefs. Pick: Vikings
Browns at Raiders--Ok...I got it all figured out. I've gotta pick against the Browns for any chance of them winning. This only applies to the Browns, thanks to Jax's Internet Principle of Favorite Perversity...this doesn't work on any other team. Which means if I pick every Browns game wrong, they'll be 15-1 at season's end. So, while my heart goes to Cleveland...the pick goes elsewhere. Pick: Raiders
Bengals at Seahawks--So, apparently, the jailbreak defense doesn't work. If Derek Anderson and the Browns O can pick apart D's...think of what a real team can do. Pick: Seahawks
Jaguars at Broncos--The Holcom--er, Garrard show goes to Mile High. Denver is not impressed. Pick: Broncos
Panthers at Falcons--Well, the Panthers aren't like they once were. Even with Steve Smith goin' off, they still manage to lose. Well, at least they get a breather this week. Pick: Panthers
Giants at Redskins--Coming off an impressive performance at Philly, the Skins come home to face an unravelling team that can't keep discipline under a disciplinarian. This should be easy. Pick: Skins
Cowboys at Bears--The Game of the Week...even though it won't feature much in the way of points. The Bears O is too bad, and the Bears D is too good. The game will be close only because Devin Hester touches the ball at some point. Pick: Cowboys, and take the under.
Titans at Saints--So, can the suddenly "Aint's" turn it around against Vince Young and Co.? They can, but it won't be easy. Pick: Saints
...so, there are the picks you can bet on, or against, or something. And yes, Virginia, there is a Beakman tomorrow.