its been ages...
hah i haven't written in so long, but i figure i have a lot to say now, not that anyone ever reads my entries, but whatever...
So the last weekend was amazing and so much fun. I love all of my friends sooo much and I couldn't ask for any better...
However, its weird because im not happy right now like i have been, actually im really scared.
1. I have no clue what im going to do next year for living arrangements. Jeni is moving to seattle with Kelsey and Holly, and Allison might be going to Europe and I won't have the money to go to europe i doubt, and so if she does then I am not going to have a roommate which means I probably will have to go back to anacortes which is really really horrible news. If allison doesn't go to europe then we are going to have to find a really cheap apartment in the same area or have to find some random girl to be our third roommate. It will be interesting either way it goes...
2. I honestly love every one of my friends with all of my heart, but I don't feel like I have a best friend anymore, which makes me really sad and I really wish I did. I need one more then ever. I see everyone who has them and it makes me so sad. I just want someone that I can honestly talk to about anything and who feels the same about me. Its so weird not having someone like that. Of course I can talk to my friends, but its not the same connection. It kind of sucks.
3. I don't know what I am going to do about school. I hear BCC is a really bad school and that sucks because I already applied there. But if I go to SCC I'd have to leave my bellevue job and I love everyone there. It all just kind of sucks. I don't know what to do. Im going nowhere. honestly nowhere. Im going to end up some gross girl who works as a sales associate for the rest of my life and its going to really suck. What am i doing? seriously. I don't have money to dance anymore, so I cant even do the one thing I love, I spent 9 years of the most important years of my life thinking i would become a professional dancer, and then of course the year after highschool i realize im really not at all good enough and I should do something better, but what the hell am I going to do? I don't even know. it all just sucks. I have this cover around me that is a really happy me and things are good because i have great friends and I have a great boyfriend, but then deep deep down I don't know what im doing with myself. I don't know. this all probably sounds really stupid, but im just really really scared for my life right now. I don't want to become a nobody and right now that is what I feel like I am becoming. slowly but surely. and now i feel like crying so thats great.
ugh life is so weird and I hate it. and I really hate growing up.
I just really thank god for this last weekend. I needed it.
and kelsey if you read this I seriously love you more than anything and I really miss you a lot. and I really hope we're always friends. Im so thankful that Ive had you, even though we aren't "best friends" anymore, and you have jeni, i still consider you a really close friend. and I don't know what Id do if we ever lost touch. I love you.
and Jeni and allison I really do love you guys a lot too, I couldn't ask for any better roommates and although our apartment sucks really bad, It makes me want to cry to think about us splitting up and it really scares me a lot. You guys mean a lot to me.
K thats all. this entry sucks.
So the last weekend was amazing and so much fun. I love all of my friends sooo much and I couldn't ask for any better...
However, its weird because im not happy right now like i have been, actually im really scared.
1. I have no clue what im going to do next year for living arrangements. Jeni is moving to seattle with Kelsey and Holly, and Allison might be going to Europe and I won't have the money to go to europe i doubt, and so if she does then I am not going to have a roommate which means I probably will have to go back to anacortes which is really really horrible news. If allison doesn't go to europe then we are going to have to find a really cheap apartment in the same area or have to find some random girl to be our third roommate. It will be interesting either way it goes...
2. I honestly love every one of my friends with all of my heart, but I don't feel like I have a best friend anymore, which makes me really sad and I really wish I did. I need one more then ever. I see everyone who has them and it makes me so sad. I just want someone that I can honestly talk to about anything and who feels the same about me. Its so weird not having someone like that. Of course I can talk to my friends, but its not the same connection. It kind of sucks.
3. I don't know what I am going to do about school. I hear BCC is a really bad school and that sucks because I already applied there. But if I go to SCC I'd have to leave my bellevue job and I love everyone there. It all just kind of sucks. I don't know what to do. Im going nowhere. honestly nowhere. Im going to end up some gross girl who works as a sales associate for the rest of my life and its going to really suck. What am i doing? seriously. I don't have money to dance anymore, so I cant even do the one thing I love, I spent 9 years of the most important years of my life thinking i would become a professional dancer, and then of course the year after highschool i realize im really not at all good enough and I should do something better, but what the hell am I going to do? I don't even know. it all just sucks. I have this cover around me that is a really happy me and things are good because i have great friends and I have a great boyfriend, but then deep deep down I don't know what im doing with myself. I don't know. this all probably sounds really stupid, but im just really really scared for my life right now. I don't want to become a nobody and right now that is what I feel like I am becoming. slowly but surely. and now i feel like crying so thats great.
ugh life is so weird and I hate it. and I really hate growing up.
I just really thank god for this last weekend. I needed it.
and kelsey if you read this I seriously love you more than anything and I really miss you a lot. and I really hope we're always friends. Im so thankful that Ive had you, even though we aren't "best friends" anymore, and you have jeni, i still consider you a really close friend. and I don't know what Id do if we ever lost touch. I love you.
and Jeni and allison I really do love you guys a lot too, I couldn't ask for any better roommates and although our apartment sucks really bad, It makes me want to cry to think about us splitting up and it really scares me a lot. You guys mean a lot to me.
K thats all. this entry sucks.