don't think too much.. it's not good for you
the weekend was fun. encore concert = great! those kids are so talented and so sweet. i was so proud of them. they really put on a great show! but i am still sad that jason & jared quit. i miss my boys! crashed harmony camp on sunday, sat in on some solo auditioning, did some sound eddie & don style.. haha, okay maybe not good like they do, but i was a beast anyway. i might start helping joe more often with harmony sound, so hooray! yesterday i went shopping with my mom since the college visits didn't work out. 2 new pairs of pants & a shirt = hottness!
sooo i took a nap yesterday and maybe i shouldn't have because once i woke up, everything just started to suck really bad. me & my mom argued over something little.. it wasn't even a big arguement, but it still put me in a sour mood. and then i started doing wayy too much thinking, and i got really sad. i just miss the way things used to be. i miss it being just me & my mom. no stepfamily and (as terrible as this is for me to say) no bryce. everything used to be so perfect. when people would say things like "life sucks" or "i hate my life", i was able to brag about how my life was incredible and i wouldn't change anything for the world. and don't get me wrong, i still am soo blessed. i have so much more than most people my age, and i've been given more opportunities to do what i want to do than most people get in a lifetime. i really am grateful for everything great i have in life, but it's still so hard. and even though all these marriage changes happened like 5 years ago, it doesn't hurt any less now than it did then. i would give absolutely anything in the world to have my mom back, all to myself. i know she still loves me to death, and i may be totally selfish in saying this, but i don't like sharing her. and i never will. and everytime we argue, even an itty bitty little bit, i think about how much i miss the good old days with just me & her. i'd give anything in the world to go back..
so when you're sitting home, really sad and thinking too much about how your mom kinda was stolen away from you when she got married, the last thing you wanna hear is your best friend telling you how he made a new best friend at school and how she's the coolest girl ever and how they have all these great plans to like, go to NYC and amazing stuff like that. it was just wrong timing for me to hear it. i just have like, severe issues when it comes to people i'm close to getting stolen away from me ever since my mom got married.. it's my worst quality ever and i hate it. i want it to go away. cause like, my mom & i were practically inseperable, and then dan came along again and stole her away from me, which of course, was the most sucky situation. and then it's happened with so many other people/friends i've been close to, so i've just gained so much fear for getting close with people because i feel like soon enough, they'll be taken away by someone new. and i hate it. i really do my best to be happy and put other people's feelings before mine, but sometimes i just get really defensive. i really don't mean to be a bitch or anything. that's the last thing i'd ever wanna do.. and i hate that i come off that way sometimes. i'm too used to having people i love a whole lot forget about me or replace me when someone new comes along =(
i just cried a whole lot last night, and it felt good to get it out. i think i've just been reflecting on the past a little too much and maybe feeling a little lonely.. because it's not exactly something you can talk to just anyone about because not everyone is gonna understand. my family is soo different from most people's, so it's not easy for people to relate with me. so it just builds up sometimes. and then other craziness going on right now.. all this college stuff is driving me nuts. i just wanna have it all figured out so i know what's going in january like NOW. i'm having an ugly week, and that adds to everything sucking. i'm definitely broke and fucking work doesn't even schedule me. i miss my grandparents and my cousins. ahhh aslkfdjskldhgslkdgfs! it's just time for everything to be better. like now. no really.
i just need a good weekend to make things happier. i'm really lucky that i don't get sad very often. no one's perfect though, not even me (shocking! haha j/k).. sometimes i just need to let it all out. and i guess that's what's happening this week. i just need my time to myself to be sad and maybe cry a little. that's okay, right?
wow, this is sooo longgg.. oh well. love you all <3
sooo i took a nap yesterday and maybe i shouldn't have because once i woke up, everything just started to suck really bad. me & my mom argued over something little.. it wasn't even a big arguement, but it still put me in a sour mood. and then i started doing wayy too much thinking, and i got really sad. i just miss the way things used to be. i miss it being just me & my mom. no stepfamily and (as terrible as this is for me to say) no bryce. everything used to be so perfect. when people would say things like "life sucks" or "i hate my life", i was able to brag about how my life was incredible and i wouldn't change anything for the world. and don't get me wrong, i still am soo blessed. i have so much more than most people my age, and i've been given more opportunities to do what i want to do than most people get in a lifetime. i really am grateful for everything great i have in life, but it's still so hard. and even though all these marriage changes happened like 5 years ago, it doesn't hurt any less now than it did then. i would give absolutely anything in the world to have my mom back, all to myself. i know she still loves me to death, and i may be totally selfish in saying this, but i don't like sharing her. and i never will. and everytime we argue, even an itty bitty little bit, i think about how much i miss the good old days with just me & her. i'd give anything in the world to go back..
so when you're sitting home, really sad and thinking too much about how your mom kinda was stolen away from you when she got married, the last thing you wanna hear is your best friend telling you how he made a new best friend at school and how she's the coolest girl ever and how they have all these great plans to like, go to NYC and amazing stuff like that. it was just wrong timing for me to hear it. i just have like, severe issues when it comes to people i'm close to getting stolen away from me ever since my mom got married.. it's my worst quality ever and i hate it. i want it to go away. cause like, my mom & i were practically inseperable, and then dan came along again and stole her away from me, which of course, was the most sucky situation. and then it's happened with so many other people/friends i've been close to, so i've just gained so much fear for getting close with people because i feel like soon enough, they'll be taken away by someone new. and i hate it. i really do my best to be happy and put other people's feelings before mine, but sometimes i just get really defensive. i really don't mean to be a bitch or anything. that's the last thing i'd ever wanna do.. and i hate that i come off that way sometimes. i'm too used to having people i love a whole lot forget about me or replace me when someone new comes along =(
i just cried a whole lot last night, and it felt good to get it out. i think i've just been reflecting on the past a little too much and maybe feeling a little lonely.. because it's not exactly something you can talk to just anyone about because not everyone is gonna understand. my family is soo different from most people's, so it's not easy for people to relate with me. so it just builds up sometimes. and then other craziness going on right now.. all this college stuff is driving me nuts. i just wanna have it all figured out so i know what's going in january like NOW. i'm having an ugly week, and that adds to everything sucking. i'm definitely broke and fucking work doesn't even schedule me. i miss my grandparents and my cousins. ahhh aslkfdjskldhgslkdgfs! it's just time for everything to be better. like now. no really.
i just need a good weekend to make things happier. i'm really lucky that i don't get sad very often. no one's perfect though, not even me (shocking! haha j/k).. sometimes i just need to let it all out. and i guess that's what's happening this week. i just need my time to myself to be sad and maybe cry a little. that's okay, right?
wow, this is sooo longgg.. oh well. love you all <3