I have finally come to an absolution......
Jonathan and I are done for good....He was supposed to come pick me up Friday night and we were going to go to my sister's house for dinner and he never showed up or called....He was at UNA getting shit faced and messing around with some girl that he doesn't know.....He took me to Megan's Saturday, and I looked over at him and realized that he had a big purple hickey on his neck.....I can't believe he did that to me....I mean, I know I should've expected it, but I can't believe it. When he asked me what me and Megan were gonna do I said that Matt was in town for the weekend and had called me and wanted me to go out to dinner with him and Tucker and Megan were gonna go too....Of course I lied, but I had to spite him somehow......I've also realized that I miss Matt more than I've ever missed anybody. He made me feel like I had no problems....When we talked it was like, there was no pain, just me and him.....I miss that....I miss kissing him and hanging out and the way he smells and the way he actually treats me like a person instead of just a body.....I've been thinking about him a lot, and the thing we had, and how I shouldn't have went back out with Jonathan, and how bad me and Matt fought when I did....I honestly do think he liked me more than a friend because he seemed really hurt when I told him, and he got really mad at me.....Then we stopped talking....I didn't even get to say good bye to him.....I've been crying all day....I just hate everything, I actually ran to try to take my mind off of it....I'm burnt from the tanning bed, and currently it hurts to sit....I guess I'll live.....Why does everything have to be so shitty? I don't understand.......Why me? I know it sounds like I'm trying to feel sorry for myself and get other people to feel sorry for me, but honestly, I don't know why all this had to happen to me. I just want to get out of here, get away from this place and start all over again....Where no one knows me and no one knows my past.....I hate it here so much.......Oh my gosh, I almost forgot, James is still in the hospital, I wanted to go see him but I couldn't....He's like, my best guy friend and I'd sell my soul to switch places with him.....There was something said about him possibly dying....I just want him to be ok.....Why is everything so hard? Maybe it'll get better. Megan wants me to go to the dance with her and Tucker Friday night, but I won't unless I have a date, and she was like, Go anyway, and I was like, NO, I will not watch everyone else and their date dance during like, a slow song or whatever and me just stand there. I won't go without a date, and she's trying so hard to get me one and I thought she was just trying to help me to be happy, but it's really because her mom said she couldn't go unless I went too. How shitty....Anywho, I'm really burnt, and I actually worked out hard today and I'm really tired so I'm going to bed! I love ya'll!
Cassie
Cassie