(no subject)
almost exactly two years...amazing how things have changed, but everything is basically the same. didnt go back to school in van after that disasterous year, and didnt go back to that boy whom i once described as beautiful. the one who now, i can only describe as a fool. spend that summer working at the lake and living alone at my cabin, the summer i realized that i am incapable of living by myself. i self-destruct. i binged and binged, purged, binged some more and began gaining weight. as a drink girl at a golf course, i'm suprised i made any tips at all in my jeans and bunny-hugs with the incessant dark circles under my eye. i got quite fat and despised myself. and jay didn't help. he made endless promises that summer, as is his way, but it was josh who ended up saving me in the end. i should have knows it would come full-circle back to him and saved myself the heartbreak and embarassment of being with jason. josh came up a few weekends and began joking about us casually sleeping together, and eventually it seemed like kind of a good idea. i just needed to be with someone. i invited him up one weekend to stay with me at my cabin, fully aware of what was to happen. and it did. and it was powerful deja vu. i had convinced myself that he was serious when he promised no strings attached...logically i understood that after 5 years of this, it wasn't even close to possible between the two of us...especially for him. he got mad at me at the bar a week or so later, i talked to james, and josh stormed off home. i didn't care, really. I was much to enraptured with my own self-loathing to even have the capacity to care for another person. after summer ended, we were "together", me avoiding any further commitment because i knew that in january i was off to brazil with ali, and i didnt want to be in a relationship when i went. i moved to edmonton to live with erika. i worked two jobs, and continued to stuff myself to try and fill some nameless void. the boy drove from moose jaw, dilligently, every weekend, even though i almost always worked both days. he drove many hours to spend about half that many with me. and i didn't care much...now, my intense selfishness amazes me. in the week, i spend the early hours of the morning under my covers with jason's voice in my ear. shameless. on one of these visits, in the midst of sex, josh told me he loved me. my insides turned to stone...i believe my exact phrase was 'can we talk about this later?' the thought of it, even now, makes me cringe. it would be a long long time, and a lot of convincing later, that he would say those words to me again.
i left in january, spent three beautiful months in brazil. it was that trip and the summer months to follow that simultaneously freed me, knocked some sense into me, taught me i'm beautiful, but not that beautiful, made me grow up, and taught me to really see what was right in front of me.
everything in brazil felt perfect. i was blonde, and the centre of attention because of it. i relished the attention, attention i hadn't gotten at home in a lot of years...i had gained weight. (josh didnt see it.) i lost most of the weight i had gained, people guessed around 25 pounds when i got home. we spent days on the beach and meeting amazing people from all over the world. i had a fling on the beach with a gorgeous brazillian who barely spoke english. it felt so good to be careless and to take because it was there. i fell half in love with an absolutely gorgeous irish boy over the course of one week. i have never in my life felt passion and sexual chemistry like that. i wager i never will again. i met people that i will never ever forget. as cliche as it sounds, i found myself there. i doubt that anywhere i travel will ever compare.
when i got back, i was used to being the beautiful one. it had gone to my head. josh was waiting for me, and although i really had missed him terribly, once he was there with me, i felt the way i always had. indifferent. i have always knows that eventually things with him and i would click, and we would likely end up together. i have always loved him, in some capacity. it was just never the right time. i spent that summer hooking up, to different degrees with several other people. the only one i told him about, i greatly downplayed. i cried, not because i felt particularily guilty, but because i didnt recognize this person i had become. no shame, no guilt. i cried because i was tired of continuing to treat this boy like shit. this boy who has always, unconditionally loved me. who begged for me to come back every single time i left him. who waited for me while i fell briefly in love with other boys in different countries. we tried to work through it, but in september of this past year, agreed that it wasn't working.
we still talked for a month or so, he took me for lunch and then i didnt hear from him for another month. it made me ache. i seriously, seriously contemplated what i was missing, and what i may have been fucking up by being so utterly selfish. and what i came up with was that i was likely sacrificing that happiest future possible for me.
i called a few times in that month. he didnt answer, didnt call back. who could blame him? six years of the same bullshit. six years of letting it slide. everyone has a breaking point.
i knew i had to tell him that i loved him. even if he just took that information and walked away. i needed him to know that i was sorry, and that i finally GOT it. i called him on my cellphone so his call display wouldnt tell. he answered. i thought i might puke. he was way too nice, and promised to call the next day. we talked, we hung out the next night. we had a few drinks, we ended up in bed, as we do. i have never felt so right. i was so happy that he had taken me back. in truth, he hadn't. he didnt trust me, and about a week later, got very angry. told me that he didnt want to go through it again. yelled at me, and asked 'what, in this past month, you've finally realized that i'm the one?'...and then fell silent as i whipered 'yes'. he needed a few days. i didnt breathe for those days. he took me back.
since that day, things have been perfect. absolutely amazing. i have never in my life felt love like this. i hesitate to say i have ever loved anyone before, because nothing has ever felt like this. i try not to think of the past, and how awful i was, every time, and focus on how lucky i am that he gave me one.more.chance. it's not to say we havent had our problems. he broke down one night, convinced it wasn't going to work, and i cried for hours. he asked me to come over, and apologized a million times into my neck and my chest and my hair and my collarbone. i have never heard him cry like that. i just begged him not to leave me.
we aren't in the same city this summer, but see each other every few weeks. we spend the time wrapped around each other, or staring at each other, or drunk and in the bar with each other. he has begun to call me sweetie or love in front of his parents, his friends. i think that this time, other people believe it might be real. i think they're beginning to realize, as the two of us are, that this time is for good, and this time is forever. he loves me. he loves ME. it doesn't matter what i do, or what i say, or if i'm having a bad day. he loves me and he tells me.
i am amazed every day. i smile when i see his name on my phone. i smile when i look at his picture. i get flushed when someone asks how he is. it's like brand new love after 7 rocky years. and it is. brand new.
i left in january, spent three beautiful months in brazil. it was that trip and the summer months to follow that simultaneously freed me, knocked some sense into me, taught me i'm beautiful, but not that beautiful, made me grow up, and taught me to really see what was right in front of me.
everything in brazil felt perfect. i was blonde, and the centre of attention because of it. i relished the attention, attention i hadn't gotten at home in a lot of years...i had gained weight. (josh didnt see it.) i lost most of the weight i had gained, people guessed around 25 pounds when i got home. we spent days on the beach and meeting amazing people from all over the world. i had a fling on the beach with a gorgeous brazillian who barely spoke english. it felt so good to be careless and to take because it was there. i fell half in love with an absolutely gorgeous irish boy over the course of one week. i have never in my life felt passion and sexual chemistry like that. i wager i never will again. i met people that i will never ever forget. as cliche as it sounds, i found myself there. i doubt that anywhere i travel will ever compare.
when i got back, i was used to being the beautiful one. it had gone to my head. josh was waiting for me, and although i really had missed him terribly, once he was there with me, i felt the way i always had. indifferent. i have always knows that eventually things with him and i would click, and we would likely end up together. i have always loved him, in some capacity. it was just never the right time. i spent that summer hooking up, to different degrees with several other people. the only one i told him about, i greatly downplayed. i cried, not because i felt particularily guilty, but because i didnt recognize this person i had become. no shame, no guilt. i cried because i was tired of continuing to treat this boy like shit. this boy who has always, unconditionally loved me. who begged for me to come back every single time i left him. who waited for me while i fell briefly in love with other boys in different countries. we tried to work through it, but in september of this past year, agreed that it wasn't working.
we still talked for a month or so, he took me for lunch and then i didnt hear from him for another month. it made me ache. i seriously, seriously contemplated what i was missing, and what i may have been fucking up by being so utterly selfish. and what i came up with was that i was likely sacrificing that happiest future possible for me.
i called a few times in that month. he didnt answer, didnt call back. who could blame him? six years of the same bullshit. six years of letting it slide. everyone has a breaking point.
i knew i had to tell him that i loved him. even if he just took that information and walked away. i needed him to know that i was sorry, and that i finally GOT it. i called him on my cellphone so his call display wouldnt tell. he answered. i thought i might puke. he was way too nice, and promised to call the next day. we talked, we hung out the next night. we had a few drinks, we ended up in bed, as we do. i have never felt so right. i was so happy that he had taken me back. in truth, he hadn't. he didnt trust me, and about a week later, got very angry. told me that he didnt want to go through it again. yelled at me, and asked 'what, in this past month, you've finally realized that i'm the one?'...and then fell silent as i whipered 'yes'. he needed a few days. i didnt breathe for those days. he took me back.
since that day, things have been perfect. absolutely amazing. i have never in my life felt love like this. i hesitate to say i have ever loved anyone before, because nothing has ever felt like this. i try not to think of the past, and how awful i was, every time, and focus on how lucky i am that he gave me one.more.chance. it's not to say we havent had our problems. he broke down one night, convinced it wasn't going to work, and i cried for hours. he asked me to come over, and apologized a million times into my neck and my chest and my hair and my collarbone. i have never heard him cry like that. i just begged him not to leave me.
we aren't in the same city this summer, but see each other every few weeks. we spend the time wrapped around each other, or staring at each other, or drunk and in the bar with each other. he has begun to call me sweetie or love in front of his parents, his friends. i think that this time, other people believe it might be real. i think they're beginning to realize, as the two of us are, that this time is for good, and this time is forever. he loves me. he loves ME. it doesn't matter what i do, or what i say, or if i'm having a bad day. he loves me and he tells me.
i am amazed every day. i smile when i see his name on my phone. i smile when i look at his picture. i get flushed when someone asks how he is. it's like brand new love after 7 rocky years. and it is. brand new.