Bad dream

[ikkin_of_avalon]

It is not often that a mere dream can wake me with weeping, but this morning's dream did. It was the few months after K's death (Again this was a dream. There is nothing wrong with K. I just checked.) But the raw and very real emotions that come with the funeral arrangements, housing, what to do with his stuff, grieving, our friends trying to help, and looking for someone to help fill the jagged gaping hole in my heart and life. Just trying to function much less live with out my husband, best friend, father of my child, partner in crime, that man who is supposed to be sitting in the rocking chair next to me when we finally retire from the farm (there is some much more I wanted to put here but I just don't have words enough to tell all of you how dear, precious, integral he is to my continued existence and happiness). Damn it now I'm crying again. Anyway, yeah, living through that, even in a dream not only woke me sobbing and shaking and feeling so empty it was painful to the point of being overwhelming, but waking up with him already gone to work let the panic creep in. After a very shaky phone call confirming that he is in fact ok, and James (bless his tiny caring protective heart) trying to take care of me and cheer me up "Mama, it was only a dream and dreams are not real." (the same thing I always tell him when he has a bad dream) I'm still shaky and crying. And as much as I hate showing weakness (crying, raw emotion, some of what is deep in my heart) I needed this written down, for anyone who didn't know and because I don't say it nearly enough:

I Love You Kenzal.
More that I ever believed someone as damaged as me could
More than my heart can hold
More than can ever be told
But never more than I should
My world revolves around you
More than you'll ever know
And words for all the God(s) to know and fear:
I'll never let you go