(no subject)
I never thought I'd find someone like this. I never thought I deserved to be treated like this. I never thought I could feel like this. The oddest thing is, I must give credit where credit is due, I owe a lot of it to this one ex of mine.
That's a weird statement, because this ex was the worst ex I've ever had. It took a long chunk out of my life, this on again, off again relationship. I don't even know if I'd call it a relationship, it was more like co-dependant hell. The worst possible kind of co-dependence. We spoke to each other every night for stretches of time. We'd stay up till the sun rose just talking. We were always reflecting on how it was he and I against the world; sort of a Bonnie and Clyde style melodrama. But it never really was us against the world. We were perfect, perfect in our misery that is. We tore each other to pieces, inflicting filth into the other's wounds and driving each other further into the pits of our own personal hells. We were savage, brainless animals, brought together out of lust and spite. There would be months where we couldn't bear minutes without each other, then months where we didn't even speak.
During one of our "off again" periods, I met a younger guy and started to date him. I was kind of lukewarm about this fellow, I feel guilty to say that I kept him around because it was easy, it was an ego boost. I'm not proud of who I was at this point in time. I'd suffered a huge blow in finding out that my passion, my love, had slept with someone else, this being the reason for our "off" period. I felt like boasting, so I called my old love and asked him how he was doing. This is a game we all play when we're trying to hurt those who've hurt us. We use others so that we can pretend to be cool and together. We pretend that everything has come together in our lives so that we can gloat and boast to the ex, make them feel small and worthless. It never really works. We end up feeling shitty for using the genuine third party, and pathetic for needing to prove ourselves better.
During this phone call, he tore through my facade. He burst my inflated ego like a bully to a defenseless child's balloon. In course of this, though, he said something to me that I'd never forget. I look back at all of these trifles, this trivial bullshit, and I realize that I deserved to be ripped apart. I walked into it, something I said I'd never do to myself. The first time this man walked out of my life, I should have turned away and never looked back. I just kept going back for more of that precious mental abuse. To quote Radiohead: "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts." But I digress.
The statement that I'd never forget, for years to come, went something along the lines of this: "You don't sound too excited about this guy. I mean, you sound like you're settling. You shouldn't settle. Don't ever settle. You deserve to be satisfied, you deserve someone that makes you feel like the only girl." From him, these words meant nothing. They were said out of jealousy and spite. He wanted to hurt me for not forgiving him once again. He could never have been that person, and I know that he knew that, though, sometimes, I feel like he tried.
Anyway, the point is, I never forgot those words. The minute I stopped settling for the sickness we had together, I went out and acted like a young adult. I experienced places, and many people. I went out and I had what I thought was fun... and for a while it was fun, meaningless as it may have been. Then, this past summer, I had begun to feel dead on the inside. My closest compadre had turned her back on me, my grandmother was sick and it had been making me sick with worry, and after the three deaths I'd experienced within 8 months time, I shut myself off. I became cold inside, and I felt my eyes glaze over with an ice I never knew was possible for me. It scared the shit out of me. I wanted to feel something, anything. So, I went out and got laid after almost a year and a half of celibacy.
The experience shook me to the core, not because it was good, but because I was confused. I realized that this wasn't what I wanted anymore. I didn't want to be the girl who could hold her emotions as well as her whiskey. I realized that feeling something physically is fun, when it's done for the right reasons. Wanting to feel something emotionally, is not the right reason. So I stopped. There were offers, opportunities, and chances, but I declined from them all. Until one day, in the beginning of September, I got asked out on a date... a real date. The same day, I'd also been asked to go to a show, by a person I used to fool around with. I made a choice, and I went on the date. It went really well, and for once, I thought, well damn, this is nice. I chose not to take the easy road, to temporarily inflate my ego and satiate my physical desire, I decided on being hopeful again. That was a huge step for me because since this 'worst ex ever' I had started to believe that love was dead for me. I thought that my ex was as good as it would ever get. I thought that I would never feel that intensely ever again.
The person I went on a date with never called me. I was a bit disappointed, but I didn't give up, I didn't settle. My mindset had rapidly expanded to introduce the rebirth of hopefulness in me, and I was thoroughly rewarded when the most adorable boy in the world struck up conversation with me, and told me he wanted to call me even though he hated phones. Something developed so quickly, so intimately, that I didn't think it possible to be true. I didn't think I could feel that strongly about someone ever again, and what's more, It got stronger than last time. I didn't settle, and I'm continually amazed, each day, with how lucky I am.
So, I have to thank my ex. I have to thank him for telling me never to settle. I have to thank him for showing me so much pain, otherwise I'd never feel so truly lucky to have something this good. I have to thank him for showing me hell, because right now I'm floating on a fucking cloud, dreaming constantly even in my waking hours. I feel like my heart is dripping warm honey into my stomach, and when the honey drops hit the bottom, they expand to every part of my body, enveloping every inch of my insides. I've got to thank him for showing me twisted dependence, because if he hadn't, I'd never understand how good it is to finally be a part of something healthy, safe, and amazing.
That's a weird statement, because this ex was the worst ex I've ever had. It took a long chunk out of my life, this on again, off again relationship. I don't even know if I'd call it a relationship, it was more like co-dependant hell. The worst possible kind of co-dependence. We spoke to each other every night for stretches of time. We'd stay up till the sun rose just talking. We were always reflecting on how it was he and I against the world; sort of a Bonnie and Clyde style melodrama. But it never really was us against the world. We were perfect, perfect in our misery that is. We tore each other to pieces, inflicting filth into the other's wounds and driving each other further into the pits of our own personal hells. We were savage, brainless animals, brought together out of lust and spite. There would be months where we couldn't bear minutes without each other, then months where we didn't even speak.
During one of our "off again" periods, I met a younger guy and started to date him. I was kind of lukewarm about this fellow, I feel guilty to say that I kept him around because it was easy, it was an ego boost. I'm not proud of who I was at this point in time. I'd suffered a huge blow in finding out that my passion, my love, had slept with someone else, this being the reason for our "off" period. I felt like boasting, so I called my old love and asked him how he was doing. This is a game we all play when we're trying to hurt those who've hurt us. We use others so that we can pretend to be cool and together. We pretend that everything has come together in our lives so that we can gloat and boast to the ex, make them feel small and worthless. It never really works. We end up feeling shitty for using the genuine third party, and pathetic for needing to prove ourselves better.
During this phone call, he tore through my facade. He burst my inflated ego like a bully to a defenseless child's balloon. In course of this, though, he said something to me that I'd never forget. I look back at all of these trifles, this trivial bullshit, and I realize that I deserved to be ripped apart. I walked into it, something I said I'd never do to myself. The first time this man walked out of my life, I should have turned away and never looked back. I just kept going back for more of that precious mental abuse. To quote Radiohead: "You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts." But I digress.
The statement that I'd never forget, for years to come, went something along the lines of this: "You don't sound too excited about this guy. I mean, you sound like you're settling. You shouldn't settle. Don't ever settle. You deserve to be satisfied, you deserve someone that makes you feel like the only girl." From him, these words meant nothing. They were said out of jealousy and spite. He wanted to hurt me for not forgiving him once again. He could never have been that person, and I know that he knew that, though, sometimes, I feel like he tried.
Anyway, the point is, I never forgot those words. The minute I stopped settling for the sickness we had together, I went out and acted like a young adult. I experienced places, and many people. I went out and I had what I thought was fun... and for a while it was fun, meaningless as it may have been. Then, this past summer, I had begun to feel dead on the inside. My closest compadre had turned her back on me, my grandmother was sick and it had been making me sick with worry, and after the three deaths I'd experienced within 8 months time, I shut myself off. I became cold inside, and I felt my eyes glaze over with an ice I never knew was possible for me. It scared the shit out of me. I wanted to feel something, anything. So, I went out and got laid after almost a year and a half of celibacy.
The experience shook me to the core, not because it was good, but because I was confused. I realized that this wasn't what I wanted anymore. I didn't want to be the girl who could hold her emotions as well as her whiskey. I realized that feeling something physically is fun, when it's done for the right reasons. Wanting to feel something emotionally, is not the right reason. So I stopped. There were offers, opportunities, and chances, but I declined from them all. Until one day, in the beginning of September, I got asked out on a date... a real date. The same day, I'd also been asked to go to a show, by a person I used to fool around with. I made a choice, and I went on the date. It went really well, and for once, I thought, well damn, this is nice. I chose not to take the easy road, to temporarily inflate my ego and satiate my physical desire, I decided on being hopeful again. That was a huge step for me because since this 'worst ex ever' I had started to believe that love was dead for me. I thought that my ex was as good as it would ever get. I thought that I would never feel that intensely ever again.
The person I went on a date with never called me. I was a bit disappointed, but I didn't give up, I didn't settle. My mindset had rapidly expanded to introduce the rebirth of hopefulness in me, and I was thoroughly rewarded when the most adorable boy in the world struck up conversation with me, and told me he wanted to call me even though he hated phones. Something developed so quickly, so intimately, that I didn't think it possible to be true. I didn't think I could feel that strongly about someone ever again, and what's more, It got stronger than last time. I didn't settle, and I'm continually amazed, each day, with how lucky I am.
So, I have to thank my ex. I have to thank him for telling me never to settle. I have to thank him for showing me so much pain, otherwise I'd never feel so truly lucky to have something this good. I have to thank him for showing me hell, because right now I'm floating on a fucking cloud, dreaming constantly even in my waking hours. I feel like my heart is dripping warm honey into my stomach, and when the honey drops hit the bottom, they expand to every part of my body, enveloping every inch of my insides. I've got to thank him for showing me twisted dependence, because if he hadn't, I'd never understand how good it is to finally be a part of something healthy, safe, and amazing.