(no subject)
I need some advice. Or maybe I need guidance. I don't know... I might just want some support. I'm moving across the country after I turn 18. That's in about 4 months. At first, it seemed like I couldn't get there soon enough. But now, it's been a month since the plan was set in stone, and I still don't have an income. I'm afraid this thing will fall apart. I'm actually sort of afraid of it following through. Yeah, complicated... I'll get to that later. Anyways, it felt so far away before, but as I've gotten older it seems like time passes easier. It doesn't feel like it. For instance, right now it feels like I woke up on Tuesday, and I'll be going to sleep on Friday. On the other hand, if I skip jobhunting a single day, it feels like I'm throwing away a week's searching and possibilities. Time's been against me. I'm so anxious, and so worried. Luckily, Kenny's working pretty much all the time, and he's intent on going with me. He'll be a lot of help. I adore him, I really do. I think living with him will work out fine. We'll go to gay bars together, and I'll encourage his male-to-male flirtatious tendencies... hah. Haha. Ahem. I've been getting money by selling poses and all that. Almost $200 in the last 3 weeks from premades... that's pretty awesome, I think. It has nothing on a real job, but it's better than squat. Squat. That's a funny word. So, let's say this works out. Kenny and I save up enough to get out there and get a place. We find our apartment, set up a phone line & internet, and find some quick jobs through hiring agencies in the first week. ... Then what? I hardly know anyone there. I guess that's okay, because I hardly know anyone here, either. I'm not so social that I feel I need to be in a crowd all the time. I'm actually happier around a couple of people I know a couple hours a day, you know? I'll be living with Kenny. He'll be the only familiar thing to me. We'll probably cling to eachother like sissies the first month or so, haha. But in the end, the place will take some getting used to. I like wandering the streets at night. Just... breathing, thinking, listening to music. Often times, I enjoy doing that alone. I just hope that, at some point, somebody familiar will bump into me and walk with me. I hope that by the time I get there, my mind won't be such a mess. There are things that need to happen just, well, by happening. A lengthy conversation won't help anything. It's like crawling on your knees in the dark alone in circles. I want to be there, I want everything to be okay. I want to go to ITTtech, work, and sleep for most of the time. I'll have like 50 hours a week left over, and I want to spend them doing something that's important to me. Though often times it'll probably be watching Kenny get drunk in the kitchen and laughing at self-concious people walking down the street - which I don't object to it's actually fucking funny - I'd also like spending time with someone who can just ...make me smile. It's asking for a lot. I'm very insecure. Sometimes it's hard not wonder, "How can anyone stand being in a relationship with me? Does anyone really even like me? Is there anything good about me?" As it so happens, I fall in love with people. And then, I ruin them. I can do better. Can't I? Can't we all? I intend on being extremely intimate and honest in my next encounter. I'm going to be fucking brilliant. I don't know how, yet. Okay so I'll probably fuck up everything by being myself, as always. Too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking too much thinking. I typed that over and over, no copy/pasting. And you know what? It actually emptied my mind. I should do that more often. Maybe. No more worrying. Less thinking, more doing. Fucking yes. Like it or not I can support a healthy lifestyle and take advice but in this case, this whole complicated and confusing growing up stage in my life, I'm empty. I'm scared. I'm wasting time. It's not coming soon enough, but it's coming way too fast. I need to leave this fucking place and I'm going to as soon as I can. It's been too long. I've realized that anyone who stays here for too long after they're grown, stays here. They're stuck. I'm not going to be like that. Wow... grown? I can't believe I'm going to be an adult so soon. This is all so crazy.
Washington is where my love is. Until I get there, it's going to be a lot of aching and pain. It's going to take a lot of perseverance, and it's going to pay out in the end. By God, I will be there this winter, walking around in the dark, shivering my skinny bones lifeless and breathing in the cold air.
Washington is where my love is. Until I get there, it's going to be a lot of aching and pain. It's going to take a lot of perseverance, and it's going to pay out in the end. By God, I will be there this winter, walking around in the dark, shivering my skinny bones lifeless and breathing in the cold air.