house fic: three things that happen (house/foreman)
So remember those holiday gift ficlets I still have to write? This one's for queenzulu, who wanted House/Foreman, and silliness.
1019 words. Rated for teens.
Three Things That Absolutely, Positively, Without a Doubt Happen When House and Foreman Are Dating.
1. They call each other 'Greg' and 'Eric'.
Not just during intimate moments, either, although that's actually how it begins. ("I... I love you Eric." "You're not just saying that because I just gave you a blowjob under your desk, are you?" "No, although that was pretty cool." "Wow. Hey, I love you too, Greg.")
More and more, their given names slip into casual use, without them even realising it. Until one day, during a differential, House says, "Eric, you and Taub go break into the guy's place."
"Eric?" Taub parrots mockingly.
Foreman and H- sorry, Eric and Greg share a long, meaningful look, until finally Eric gets up from the table and moves over to Greg's side. "We were going to tell people sooner or later, anyway," he says.
Greg looks down, a little uncomfortable but he's smiling as he says to everyone, "Eric and I - we're in love."
There is silence for a long moment.
"Well, it's about time," Kutner says, grinning.
"Yeah," Taub says, as Thirteen hurries over to hug the happy couple, "I was wondering when you two crazy kids were going to figure it out."
Eric and Greg's eyes shine with love, and happiness, and other shiny, happy things, as they turn to each other and share a happy, loving (not to mention shiny) kiss...
Okay, no. They don't.
Here's what really happens:
They never use each other's first names.
Really, not ever.
Not in public, or in casual conversation, and definitely not in bed.
Admittedly, House sometimes says other people's names in bed. Like 'Cuddy' or 'Robert' or 'Angelina'.
And he keeps track of all the times Foreman says 'oh God', so that he can helpfully point them out at some later time. (A fact which usually leads to more swearing from Foreman, just not of the blasphemous kind.)
Foreman, for his part, never says, "Greg, I love you."
Sometimes he says, "House, I love you." However, this is almost always followed by words to the order of, "but if you don't shut the hell up I'm going to -"
2. House takes Foreman to a monster truck rally.
Because Foreman knows about how House took Cameron that one time, and is, naturally, very jealous. So he buys tickets to surprise House with, and House, being the indulgent boyfriend that he is, agrees to take him.
Foreman LOVES it. Monster trucks being, of course, right up his alley.
He loves it even more when he and House hold hands as they wander through the crowds, and House buys them cotton candy to share. And also because House makes sure he tells Foreman just how much better it is being there with him, rather than that pathetic loser, Cameron.
It's the perfect night out, culminating in a magical kiss as fireworks go off overhead and neither of them knows whether those sparks are from the phosphorous or the FIERY BURNING LOVE BETWEEN THEM.
...
Or not.
OKAY HERE'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENS:
House drags Foreman to a monster truck rally.
Foreman hates it. He complains a lot. House, meanwhile, talks a lot about how much more fun it was with Cameron.
They eat their own cotton candy.
Mostly because Foreman trips House when he tries to steal some of his. Then Foreman laughs, because it's pretty funny. House glares at him, until Foreman tosses the rest of his cotton candy aside and drags House into the nearest men's bathroom, where they lock themselves in a stall and do it fast and dirty and also quietly. Because Foreman doesn't want to get his ass kicked by homophobic yokels and House, who has been surprisingly non-self-destructive lately, goes with it.
Their mouths taste like spun sugar and piss-weak beer when they kiss, and Foreman complains about House's sticky hands all over him.
They miss Gravedigger and neither of them cares. Especially not Foreman.
(House cares a little.)
3. House gets jealous when Chase invites Foreman to go bowling.
Because House hates it when his boyfriend spends time with, or pays attention to, anyone but him. So he follows them to the bowling alley, sets up camp a few lanes over, and spends all night boring holes into the back of Foreman's head until it gets so distracting that Foreman's game is totally ruined. Not that he had much of a chance against Chase's freakish mad bowling skillz, anyway.
Finally, Foreman stomps over and confronts him, and they have a loud, messy argument right there in the middle of the bowling alley which ends in a passionate kiss when Foreman realises that House is only stalking him because he loves him so much.
OKAY THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENS.
THE STALKING PART, ANYWAY.
Except that House brings an unsuspecting Wilson and Cuddy with him to the bowling alley. Wilson, so he will have someone to talk to while stalking Foreman, and Cuddy, because she will be bending over a lot.
He pretends it's a coincidence when they see Foreman and Chase at the lanes. But all of them have met House before, and so no one buys it.
But they go ahead and bowl anyway, and Foreman ignores House and focuses on his game with Chase. And House pretends to ignore Foreman while watching Cuddy's ass and cheating on his score. (Neither Cuddy nor Wilson care enough to stop him - at either the cheating or the casual sexual harassment. Again, they've met.)
The ignoring continues apace until one of them snaps.
It's Foreman. Abandoning Chase, he goes over to where House is sitting to confront him.
House is busy heckling Wilson's form, but when Foreman arrives, he looks up at him, smiles, and holds up his empty cup. "I'm so glad you're here. I need a refill," he says.
And Foreman remembers that his boyfriend is a jerk.
And that, actually, the stalking is rather comforting at this point.
"Get your own damn drink," he replies.
And then they kiss passionately in the middle of the bowling alley while everyone watches and applauds this epic display of true love.
Or not.
Probably, definitely not.
The end.
*flees*