SG1 fic: 29 things Vala is no longer allowed to do on the Odyssey
Title: 29 things Vala is no longer allowed to do on the Odyssey
Pairings: mostly gen, team plus General Landry, with some Vala/Daniel
Rating: PG
Notes: Set during 'Unending'. Story title and premise ripped off 'The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US Army'.
Summary: The last time I was this bored, I took hostages. Vala gets bored. Hijinks ensue.
1. Vala will not use the Asgard matter converters to make drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.
2. Cam's quarters are not a rave.
3. Vala will not perform a variation on the banana dance with foliage pilfered from the General's garden.
"Someone turn the music off," Daniel said as he sat with his head down and a hand over his eyes. "Maybe she'll stop."
"You really think that'll work?" Cam said, trying to look like he wasn't watching. (The swinging... fronds were almost hypnotic.)
"Oh, I don't know," General Landry said, forking up some mashed potato, "been a while since I enjoyed a little dinner theatre."
"What I'm wondering," Sam said, head tilted curiously, "is how did she get the leaves to stick?"
Teal'c, regarding the performance with one eyebrow raised, remarked, "Perhaps the more appropriate question would be, how did she get them to stick for so long?"
Sam nodded, as stray plant matter began to flutter to the floor with every shimmy. "Indeed."
4. Vala will not program the weapons array to synchronise with Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon'.
Sam gaped at the readings she was getting. "She drained the ZPM point-zero-one of a percent!" They all stared at her. "That's a lot!" They kept staring. "Enough to power life support for six months?"
They stopped staring at Sam and stared at Vala instead.
"But," she said, "I bet none of you have ever seen a laser show that good."
"Please," General Landry said, "Vala, I was a teenager in the seventies."
Cameron cleared his throat and leaned in. "Um, no you weren't, Sir."
"Are you telling me I lost a decade somewhere? Huh. Must have been all that acid I dropped in the sixties."
5. Vala will not produce a life-size, blow-up Daniel doll, and ask the General to marry them in a brief yet tasteful ceremony.
"Fine," General Landry said with a shrug. "Just remember, the divorce rate's a bitch."
At that moment, Daniel entered the room, took one look at what was going on, turned, and left.
Vala leaned forward and gave the General a wink. "Mostly," she confided, "I'm just interested in getting to the 'does anyone protest' part."
"Yeah," he agreed. "That'll work."
She stroked her husband-to-be's shiny vinyl head fondly. "Jealousy is a powerful motivator. Speaking of which, do you think Cameron will be offended if we ask Teal'c to be best man?"
6. Giving Thor's hologram interface a makeover is not 'helping'.
7. Dressing up in a hand-made super-soldier outfit and bursting into people's rooms in the middle of the night is not a good way of keeping anyone 'on their toes'.
8. Neither is switching the artificial gravity on and off at random intervals.
"Sam?" General Landry said as he floated into engineering.
"I'll set a password on the controls," she replied.
"Well it's only the third time this week," he said dryly. "No hurry."
9. Homemade porn is not an acceptable use of the onboard security cameras.
10. Security cameras are not to be placed in ANYONE'S shower. (see also: item 9)
"Vala! What the hell?" Sam burst into the mess hall, clutching her towel closed with one hand and a mangled recording device with the other.
"Don't look at me," Vala said. "It was his idea."
Cam, looking round to find Vala pointing an accusing finger in his direction, said, "Me? I did not! I just - hey, she did it to me first! And I - okay, I might have told her to go find someone else to perve on, but I didn't mean you."
"You didn't say it," was Vala's response, "but I could tell you were thinking it."
11. Vala will not feed the General magic brownies.
"Shouldn't someone tell him?"
"Well I'm not doing it - you do it."
"Tell the two-star general he's walking around with no pants? I don't think so."
"Jealous, Cam? He's stealing your bit."
"Shut up, Sam. That stopped being funny about a decade ago."
"In any case, it appears the General's state of dress is of little concern to him."
"He does seem to be enjoying himself, doesn't he?"
"Just so long as he doesn't expect any of us to salute."
12. Asgard beaming technology is not a toy.
13. Filling roller skates with super glue, and then putting them on people's feet while they are asleep, is not the way to have your own roller disco.
14. Aliens should not know what a roller disco is, let alone want to engage in one.
15. The hotpants were not a 'nice touch'.
16. Wet t-shirt contests are not for men.
"You're only saying that because Teal'c won," Daniel said mildly, as he wiped off his glasses on the small area of sleeve which had escaped the summary drenching.
17. Vala will not use the Asgard database to try and figure out how to ascend.
"Uh," said Daniel, frowning down at Vala, who was sitting at the centre of a lipstick pentagram, chanting, in the middle of the archive room. "Yeah, that's... not how you do it."
"Well," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "I'd like to see you try."
"Don't tempt me," he muttered.
18. Vala will not utter the words: "What does this button do?"
19. 'May cause explosive decompression' means may cause explosive decompression.
20. Vala will not turn every game into an excuse to get undressed.
The door slid open and Cam entered. He was looking for a snack, and instead found Vala and Teal'c, heads bowed in concentration. Teal'c's feet were bare, he noted.
But not before first noticing that Vala, seated opposite, was wearing hot pink underwear and one sock.
"Strip chess?" he said as he passed the table.
"Strip chess," Teal'c confirmed. He reached out and took Vala's remaining bishop with a pawn.
"I am really bad at this game," Vala said, not looking overly put-out as she reached around to unhook her bra.
21. Vala will not swap around the control crystals just to annoy Sam.
22. Vala will not make up stories about her time as a Goa'uld host just to annoy Daniel.
"Okay," Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, "you did not get into a bar fight with Athena and Nirrti on the way home from a Goa'uld summit."
"No, I didn't, Qetesh did. It's an interesting story, actually - Nirrti lost three fingers when the manager of the establishment pulled a staff weapon from under the bar and tried to take out her hand device. Which meant she had to take a new host - sarcophagi can't just replace lost limbs, you know. Anyway, she was a bloke for a few years after that, a small, pretty fellow with long hair. Apophis, apparently, had quite the crush, which was hilarious because he'd always hated her when she was a -"
"I can't listen to this anymore," Daniel said very quickly, leaving his seat and the room at a similar rate.
"But I didn't even get to the part about the duck!" Vala called after him.
Cam leaned over to show Sam his watch.
"Four minutes," she said. "Is that a new record?"
"You know that joke," Vala turned back to her remaining audience, "three system lords walk into a bar on Ne'tu? That was about us."
23. Water pistols should be filled with water.
"Oh for - okay. This," Cam said, "this is not - what is this stuff?" He passed a hand over the side of his face, where Vala had just scored a direct hit before taking off down a side corridor.
He sniffed his fingers, then stretched out his arm as far as it went, eyes watering.
"It think it's last night's hollandaise sauce," Sam said helpfully.
"It was Vala Mal Doran's turn to clean the galley last night," Teal'c added.
Cam, expression murderous - and more than a little grossed out - stalked off in the direction Vala had disappeared. "I'm gonna kill her this time," he said. Then turned about face and passed back in the opposite direction. "Right after I take a shower."
24. Cloning people is not okay.
"But the Asgard were so good at it," she explained. "And we have all their stuff just lying around, going to waste..."
"No," Sam said.
"And it would be so much better than the blow-up doll!"
"No."
25. Vala will not flick spit balls at Daniel while he is working.
26. Or rubber bands.
27. Or her underwear.
28. Going EVA to paint 'THE ORISII WEARS ARMY BOOTS' across the back of the ship is a gross misuse of resources.
"It was that," she said later, passing Teal'c the peas, "or 'honk if you're horny'."
"Huh," said Cam. After a moment's thought he raised a hand and laid it out in the air: "Chulak. Or. Bust."
"My other space ship is a convertible," Sam offered, lips twitching.
"No fat chicks?" Daniel ducked as two bread rolls bounced off his head in quick succession.
"Women can indeed do anything," Teal'c countered, earning himself a smile and a pat on the arm from one side, and the last of the cannelloni from the other.
"Time flies when you're having fun?" the General offered. All heads turned to give him a baleful glare. He rolled his eyes. "How about 'shut up and eat'."
29. Saying 'I'm pregnant' while five people are eating is not funny.
The end.
Pairings: mostly gen, team plus General Landry, with some Vala/Daniel
Rating: PG
Notes: Set during 'Unending'. Story title and premise ripped off 'The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US Army'.
Summary: The last time I was this bored, I took hostages. Vala gets bored. Hijinks ensue.
1. Vala will not use the Asgard matter converters to make drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.
2. Cam's quarters are not a rave.
3. Vala will not perform a variation on the banana dance with foliage pilfered from the General's garden.
"Someone turn the music off," Daniel said as he sat with his head down and a hand over his eyes. "Maybe she'll stop."
"You really think that'll work?" Cam said, trying to look like he wasn't watching. (The swinging... fronds were almost hypnotic.)
"Oh, I don't know," General Landry said, forking up some mashed potato, "been a while since I enjoyed a little dinner theatre."
"What I'm wondering," Sam said, head tilted curiously, "is how did she get the leaves to stick?"
Teal'c, regarding the performance with one eyebrow raised, remarked, "Perhaps the more appropriate question would be, how did she get them to stick for so long?"
Sam nodded, as stray plant matter began to flutter to the floor with every shimmy. "Indeed."
4. Vala will not program the weapons array to synchronise with Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon'.
Sam gaped at the readings she was getting. "She drained the ZPM point-zero-one of a percent!" They all stared at her. "That's a lot!" They kept staring. "Enough to power life support for six months?"
They stopped staring at Sam and stared at Vala instead.
"But," she said, "I bet none of you have ever seen a laser show that good."
"Please," General Landry said, "Vala, I was a teenager in the seventies."
Cameron cleared his throat and leaned in. "Um, no you weren't, Sir."
"Are you telling me I lost a decade somewhere? Huh. Must have been all that acid I dropped in the sixties."
5. Vala will not produce a life-size, blow-up Daniel doll, and ask the General to marry them in a brief yet tasteful ceremony.
"Fine," General Landry said with a shrug. "Just remember, the divorce rate's a bitch."
At that moment, Daniel entered the room, took one look at what was going on, turned, and left.
Vala leaned forward and gave the General a wink. "Mostly," she confided, "I'm just interested in getting to the 'does anyone protest' part."
"Yeah," he agreed. "That'll work."
She stroked her husband-to-be's shiny vinyl head fondly. "Jealousy is a powerful motivator. Speaking of which, do you think Cameron will be offended if we ask Teal'c to be best man?"
6. Giving Thor's hologram interface a makeover is not 'helping'.
7. Dressing up in a hand-made super-soldier outfit and bursting into people's rooms in the middle of the night is not a good way of keeping anyone 'on their toes'.
8. Neither is switching the artificial gravity on and off at random intervals.
"Sam?" General Landry said as he floated into engineering.
"I'll set a password on the controls," she replied.
"Well it's only the third time this week," he said dryly. "No hurry."
9. Homemade porn is not an acceptable use of the onboard security cameras.
10. Security cameras are not to be placed in ANYONE'S shower. (see also: item 9)
"Vala! What the hell?" Sam burst into the mess hall, clutching her towel closed with one hand and a mangled recording device with the other.
"Don't look at me," Vala said. "It was his idea."
Cam, looking round to find Vala pointing an accusing finger in his direction, said, "Me? I did not! I just - hey, she did it to me first! And I - okay, I might have told her to go find someone else to perve on, but I didn't mean you."
"You didn't say it," was Vala's response, "but I could tell you were thinking it."
11. Vala will not feed the General magic brownies.
"Shouldn't someone tell him?"
"Well I'm not doing it - you do it."
"Tell the two-star general he's walking around with no pants? I don't think so."
"Jealous, Cam? He's stealing your bit."
"Shut up, Sam. That stopped being funny about a decade ago."
"In any case, it appears the General's state of dress is of little concern to him."
"He does seem to be enjoying himself, doesn't he?"
"Just so long as he doesn't expect any of us to salute."
12. Asgard beaming technology is not a toy.
13. Filling roller skates with super glue, and then putting them on people's feet while they are asleep, is not the way to have your own roller disco.
14. Aliens should not know what a roller disco is, let alone want to engage in one.
15. The hotpants were not a 'nice touch'.
16. Wet t-shirt contests are not for men.
"You're only saying that because Teal'c won," Daniel said mildly, as he wiped off his glasses on the small area of sleeve which had escaped the summary drenching.
17. Vala will not use the Asgard database to try and figure out how to ascend.
"Uh," said Daniel, frowning down at Vala, who was sitting at the centre of a lipstick pentagram, chanting, in the middle of the archive room. "Yeah, that's... not how you do it."
"Well," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest, "I'd like to see you try."
"Don't tempt me," he muttered.
18. Vala will not utter the words: "What does this button do?"
19. 'May cause explosive decompression' means may cause explosive decompression.
20. Vala will not turn every game into an excuse to get undressed.
The door slid open and Cam entered. He was looking for a snack, and instead found Vala and Teal'c, heads bowed in concentration. Teal'c's feet were bare, he noted.
But not before first noticing that Vala, seated opposite, was wearing hot pink underwear and one sock.
"Strip chess?" he said as he passed the table.
"Strip chess," Teal'c confirmed. He reached out and took Vala's remaining bishop with a pawn.
"I am really bad at this game," Vala said, not looking overly put-out as she reached around to unhook her bra.
21. Vala will not swap around the control crystals just to annoy Sam.
22. Vala will not make up stories about her time as a Goa'uld host just to annoy Daniel.
"Okay," Daniel pinched the bridge of his nose, "you did not get into a bar fight with Athena and Nirrti on the way home from a Goa'uld summit."
"No, I didn't, Qetesh did. It's an interesting story, actually - Nirrti lost three fingers when the manager of the establishment pulled a staff weapon from under the bar and tried to take out her hand device. Which meant she had to take a new host - sarcophagi can't just replace lost limbs, you know. Anyway, she was a bloke for a few years after that, a small, pretty fellow with long hair. Apophis, apparently, had quite the crush, which was hilarious because he'd always hated her when she was a -"
"I can't listen to this anymore," Daniel said very quickly, leaving his seat and the room at a similar rate.
"But I didn't even get to the part about the duck!" Vala called after him.
Cam leaned over to show Sam his watch.
"Four minutes," she said. "Is that a new record?"
"You know that joke," Vala turned back to her remaining audience, "three system lords walk into a bar on Ne'tu? That was about us."
23. Water pistols should be filled with water.
"Oh for - okay. This," Cam said, "this is not - what is this stuff?" He passed a hand over the side of his face, where Vala had just scored a direct hit before taking off down a side corridor.
He sniffed his fingers, then stretched out his arm as far as it went, eyes watering.
"It think it's last night's hollandaise sauce," Sam said helpfully.
"It was Vala Mal Doran's turn to clean the galley last night," Teal'c added.
Cam, expression murderous - and more than a little grossed out - stalked off in the direction Vala had disappeared. "I'm gonna kill her this time," he said. Then turned about face and passed back in the opposite direction. "Right after I take a shower."
24. Cloning people is not okay.
"But the Asgard were so good at it," she explained. "And we have all their stuff just lying around, going to waste..."
"No," Sam said.
"And it would be so much better than the blow-up doll!"
"No."
25. Vala will not flick spit balls at Daniel while he is working.
26. Or rubber bands.
27. Or her underwear.
28. Going EVA to paint 'THE ORISII WEARS ARMY BOOTS' across the back of the ship is a gross misuse of resources.
"It was that," she said later, passing Teal'c the peas, "or 'honk if you're horny'."
"Huh," said Cam. After a moment's thought he raised a hand and laid it out in the air: "Chulak. Or. Bust."
"My other space ship is a convertible," Sam offered, lips twitching.
"No fat chicks?" Daniel ducked as two bread rolls bounced off his head in quick succession.
"Women can indeed do anything," Teal'c countered, earning himself a smile and a pat on the arm from one side, and the last of the cannelloni from the other.
"Time flies when you're having fun?" the General offered. All heads turned to give him a baleful glare. He rolled his eyes. "How about 'shut up and eat'."
29. Saying 'I'm pregnant' while five people are eating is not funny.
The end.