Twizted Plagues, part one and two.
Tuesday, May 20th, 2003. 12:28 A.m.
Plagued.. by endless thoughts that drift through my mind, like minnows whom roams easily through the sea. I can hear a voice.. in the back of my head.. so calm, he always is. Soothing. He keeps me at ease. I think about the hate that builds inside of me like a vicious disease.. eating at me, eating.. through me. I understand that I dislike the human race. Though, for some peculiar reason, I do not comprehend why. I feel that the answer has always been at the tips of my very own grasp.. perhaps, I wish to not understand it, and leave it at that.
Iv watched my hands stretch in front of my eyes.. shady hues wide, though not suprized as I held my flesh against another beings.. so many beings.. stripping them of life. Harder and harder.. I clasp their air ways, seizing their opportunity to survive.. and with each breath that withers from their flailing body, it seems to bring me closer to closure with myself. And as I arrive back in their forum.. I feel myself slowly smile. I wonder, as they continue talking, airlessly, ' what keeps me from killing you..? ' I feel the words trying to spill out like a free flowing stream.
Before I sleep at night, I feel my body pulsing.. ready to vomit. I close my eyes.. my head just shakes.. back and forth.. slowly.. to calm the throbbing through my chest.. to my throat.. I sigh, hoping this will all be over with soon, and that somehow, I'll no longer live in this agony. Some times.. I feel that it perhaps.. may just be to much. They say, the human rests, ' winds down, ' before they sleep. I do not think that is something I tend to do. Or have ever learned. Perhaps it is something I wish not to do. Maybe, I wish to suffer with this bitter misery that I, one day, will frenzy and drive myself mad with.. perchance not. I suppose when the day should be right, I will know, as should every one else.
His breath down my neck.. seems to be enough to drive me insane. Just a single breath, and I retreat to an inner world. Bound, tied with tight, slipless knots. A unknown territory, even to myself. My k-nines tear in to his flesh like razors through gum. Even though, he warns me some times, I feel my jaw clenching to him, I hold back.. so hard. I just want to hold him. Hold him.. forever. But I hold back, slowly the bones ease. One day, I may not, I fear that.. that day will come, with rotten revenge. My fingers trail the lines of bones on his back.. straining to keep from peeling at his skin until the layers of flesh melt to bundles.. then running the tips of my fingers over the silky smooth bones, snow stained with blood. I fear.. being open to myself, let alone.. opening to him, I don't want to lose myself. I need to stay here. Stay with him. One day.. I may have the courage. One day.
I feel that I have lashed out.. and now because of this, I give and feed my own pain, a parasite, perhaps.. feeding off the corpse of my own rotten flesh, I feel as though if I run my fingers down my face, the flesh would slowly peel away.. maybe it is my own way of decaying my own.. bitter rotten pain. Forsaken, to myself. On my knee's, I grasp my head, whispering, to a soul that should be, but is not there.. ' Can't you see what this has done to me?.. I hope your satisfied. ' I only live for you. My thoughts.. so clouded.. as though Iv no judgment. My head smashed upon the confines of concrete, to ensure I'm still awake. Still here, eating myself alive. Why can't you just let me die.. swallowing me.. awake. No.. you make me stay.. flourishing in the aberration of my own insecurities, of my.. heretic derangement. I breath you.. now. Breath you.. forever, in me.
I feel, an empty shallowness in this place. A shell.. filled.. of nothing. I'm impatient to leave. Biting my time as it slowly dwindles, taking my breath.. as each second passes on the clock, I know I'm that much closer to leaving. The nicer parts of hell awaits, but this.. surely, is not it. I won't run away.. but I will not drag this experience out any longer then I need to. So I sit here, venting myself on to milky white sheets, avoiding the contact of the world. I like it better this way, some times. This place is not for me.. this.. is not me.
Iv been stripped. I no longer know the person I use to be. Let alone, I do not know the person in which I am now. How could they take away.. every thing that I was.. just to replace it with their own, narrow, self - centered.. greedy needs. Sucking my life, like the color draining through the strands of hair from the chemicals devouring it's contents. Jagged, with confusion, piercing through my mind, twisting.. calling to me.. yelling to me.. at me.
- Thursday, May 22nd, 1:42 A.m
My insides curl in to a small, rubber ball, and slowly, pulls me deeper and deeper until I am nothing.. but a small.. lifeless.. ball. Swirling of red, gray, and black, emotions hidden deep in to the core, concealed from any one whom dare try to force the equator apart.. and with any strength, would never succeed. The look of fear rests in my eyes, though.. why, it is unknown. Fear.. of realizing new things. I'v always stuck to the roads I'v known, because I'v never had a reason to travel a different one. I am not afraid of change, I merely scare myself of not knowing what will happen next. I'v never been afraid of reality.. but it seems.. that this proves I am. I confine myself, to the best of my ability, and try to secure it from the world. The world.. what is that place every one speaks of.. I know nothing of this. Nothing at all.
Why is blame placed upon the beholder.. I'v never known. Yet it seems, as I behold, I bare the pain of blame. I should be okay with this now, perhaps.. it is just something I should accept for what it is, and for it to be questioned, would just about be me ridiculing myself. I do it quite well as often now. I'll accept it. For it seems, I have nothing else to do.
I wonder.. how it feels.. to hold a humans beating heart. To delicately squeeze it free from the poison that forces us to be here. I watch myself doing this. I watch the redness of life cascade down my arm like warm vomit.. the warmness lights my soul ablaze, with a burning passion for the dead.. perhaps. I'v dreamt.. watching my lips clasp over a neck.. his eyes, so unaware of the damage being caused.. only intrigued by the please of his pain. My fingers gently tucked his neck, one by one clasping softly over his flesh, and almost lovingly I petted along the confines of his silk, sandy skin, while crooning to him.. as I took his very life away.
Worthless, I am.. like the light of day, if that is even worthy of comparison. I can no longer even hold my imagery of my only sacred place of happiness. I can still see the field, and I can still smell the beautiful flowers.. blooming to perfection. I can.. dance happily, clad in bare feet, a white, almost shoulderless dress, long blond dreds flowing freely, and a small, white crown made of white bell flowers, tangled on deep red rose stems. It only lasts for so long now.. the smile.. soon, fades. Mouth open, as the rain comes to flood.. the tears of blood pour down like heavens wrath upon the demons themselves. Holding my face.. merely afraid to peer through fingers, as the storm comes, faster and faster, the flowers curl, decaying in the wrath that lies within my very soul. They all.. have died.. because of me.. what did I ever do, to deserve this?
I am sorry. For all those whom I'v let down. These salty, bitter tears I cry for you. I am no longer what I once was. Strong, dedicated.. I once.. had morals to survive by.
* Never.. betray a friend.
* Never.. allow someone to hurt you.
* Never.. accept pain in to your life twice.
* Never.. give pain unnecessary.
* Never.. allow thought to cloud your judgment.
* Never.. allow another being to scar you physically, mentally, or emotionally.
* Never.. allow another to steer you of your own belief.
* Always.. take care of the well being of another over your own.
* Always.. provide all services you have possible.
* Always.. have self dignity.
* Always.. have self-respect.
* Always.. have pride.
* Always.. know yourself.
* Always.. know others.
* Always.. take the time to understand why.
* Always.. aim for the highest, or prepare to settle for the lowest.
* Never... trust another being... before trusting yourself.
I have broken many of these promises to myself. And for that, I shame myself. For that.. I lose ones I care about, and I lose myself. I have failed. Miserably.
Plagued.. by endless thoughts that drift through my mind, like minnows whom roams easily through the sea. I can hear a voice.. in the back of my head.. so calm, he always is. Soothing. He keeps me at ease. I think about the hate that builds inside of me like a vicious disease.. eating at me, eating.. through me. I understand that I dislike the human race. Though, for some peculiar reason, I do not comprehend why. I feel that the answer has always been at the tips of my very own grasp.. perhaps, I wish to not understand it, and leave it at that.
Iv watched my hands stretch in front of my eyes.. shady hues wide, though not suprized as I held my flesh against another beings.. so many beings.. stripping them of life. Harder and harder.. I clasp their air ways, seizing their opportunity to survive.. and with each breath that withers from their flailing body, it seems to bring me closer to closure with myself. And as I arrive back in their forum.. I feel myself slowly smile. I wonder, as they continue talking, airlessly, ' what keeps me from killing you..? ' I feel the words trying to spill out like a free flowing stream.
Before I sleep at night, I feel my body pulsing.. ready to vomit. I close my eyes.. my head just shakes.. back and forth.. slowly.. to calm the throbbing through my chest.. to my throat.. I sigh, hoping this will all be over with soon, and that somehow, I'll no longer live in this agony. Some times.. I feel that it perhaps.. may just be to much. They say, the human rests, ' winds down, ' before they sleep. I do not think that is something I tend to do. Or have ever learned. Perhaps it is something I wish not to do. Maybe, I wish to suffer with this bitter misery that I, one day, will frenzy and drive myself mad with.. perchance not. I suppose when the day should be right, I will know, as should every one else.
His breath down my neck.. seems to be enough to drive me insane. Just a single breath, and I retreat to an inner world. Bound, tied with tight, slipless knots. A unknown territory, even to myself. My k-nines tear in to his flesh like razors through gum. Even though, he warns me some times, I feel my jaw clenching to him, I hold back.. so hard. I just want to hold him. Hold him.. forever. But I hold back, slowly the bones ease. One day, I may not, I fear that.. that day will come, with rotten revenge. My fingers trail the lines of bones on his back.. straining to keep from peeling at his skin until the layers of flesh melt to bundles.. then running the tips of my fingers over the silky smooth bones, snow stained with blood. I fear.. being open to myself, let alone.. opening to him, I don't want to lose myself. I need to stay here. Stay with him. One day.. I may have the courage. One day.
I feel that I have lashed out.. and now because of this, I give and feed my own pain, a parasite, perhaps.. feeding off the corpse of my own rotten flesh, I feel as though if I run my fingers down my face, the flesh would slowly peel away.. maybe it is my own way of decaying my own.. bitter rotten pain. Forsaken, to myself. On my knee's, I grasp my head, whispering, to a soul that should be, but is not there.. ' Can't you see what this has done to me?.. I hope your satisfied. ' I only live for you. My thoughts.. so clouded.. as though Iv no judgment. My head smashed upon the confines of concrete, to ensure I'm still awake. Still here, eating myself alive. Why can't you just let me die.. swallowing me.. awake. No.. you make me stay.. flourishing in the aberration of my own insecurities, of my.. heretic derangement. I breath you.. now. Breath you.. forever, in me.
I feel, an empty shallowness in this place. A shell.. filled.. of nothing. I'm impatient to leave. Biting my time as it slowly dwindles, taking my breath.. as each second passes on the clock, I know I'm that much closer to leaving. The nicer parts of hell awaits, but this.. surely, is not it. I won't run away.. but I will not drag this experience out any longer then I need to. So I sit here, venting myself on to milky white sheets, avoiding the contact of the world. I like it better this way, some times. This place is not for me.. this.. is not me.
Iv been stripped. I no longer know the person I use to be. Let alone, I do not know the person in which I am now. How could they take away.. every thing that I was.. just to replace it with their own, narrow, self - centered.. greedy needs. Sucking my life, like the color draining through the strands of hair from the chemicals devouring it's contents. Jagged, with confusion, piercing through my mind, twisting.. calling to me.. yelling to me.. at me.
- Thursday, May 22nd, 1:42 A.m
My insides curl in to a small, rubber ball, and slowly, pulls me deeper and deeper until I am nothing.. but a small.. lifeless.. ball. Swirling of red, gray, and black, emotions hidden deep in to the core, concealed from any one whom dare try to force the equator apart.. and with any strength, would never succeed. The look of fear rests in my eyes, though.. why, it is unknown. Fear.. of realizing new things. I'v always stuck to the roads I'v known, because I'v never had a reason to travel a different one. I am not afraid of change, I merely scare myself of not knowing what will happen next. I'v never been afraid of reality.. but it seems.. that this proves I am. I confine myself, to the best of my ability, and try to secure it from the world. The world.. what is that place every one speaks of.. I know nothing of this. Nothing at all.
Why is blame placed upon the beholder.. I'v never known. Yet it seems, as I behold, I bare the pain of blame. I should be okay with this now, perhaps.. it is just something I should accept for what it is, and for it to be questioned, would just about be me ridiculing myself. I do it quite well as often now. I'll accept it. For it seems, I have nothing else to do.
I wonder.. how it feels.. to hold a humans beating heart. To delicately squeeze it free from the poison that forces us to be here. I watch myself doing this. I watch the redness of life cascade down my arm like warm vomit.. the warmness lights my soul ablaze, with a burning passion for the dead.. perhaps. I'v dreamt.. watching my lips clasp over a neck.. his eyes, so unaware of the damage being caused.. only intrigued by the please of his pain. My fingers gently tucked his neck, one by one clasping softly over his flesh, and almost lovingly I petted along the confines of his silk, sandy skin, while crooning to him.. as I took his very life away.
Worthless, I am.. like the light of day, if that is even worthy of comparison. I can no longer even hold my imagery of my only sacred place of happiness. I can still see the field, and I can still smell the beautiful flowers.. blooming to perfection. I can.. dance happily, clad in bare feet, a white, almost shoulderless dress, long blond dreds flowing freely, and a small, white crown made of white bell flowers, tangled on deep red rose stems. It only lasts for so long now.. the smile.. soon, fades. Mouth open, as the rain comes to flood.. the tears of blood pour down like heavens wrath upon the demons themselves. Holding my face.. merely afraid to peer through fingers, as the storm comes, faster and faster, the flowers curl, decaying in the wrath that lies within my very soul. They all.. have died.. because of me.. what did I ever do, to deserve this?
I am sorry. For all those whom I'v let down. These salty, bitter tears I cry for you. I am no longer what I once was. Strong, dedicated.. I once.. had morals to survive by.
* Never.. betray a friend.
* Never.. allow someone to hurt you.
* Never.. accept pain in to your life twice.
* Never.. give pain unnecessary.
* Never.. allow thought to cloud your judgment.
* Never.. allow another being to scar you physically, mentally, or emotionally.
* Never.. allow another to steer you of your own belief.
* Always.. take care of the well being of another over your own.
* Always.. provide all services you have possible.
* Always.. have self dignity.
* Always.. have self-respect.
* Always.. have pride.
* Always.. know yourself.
* Always.. know others.
* Always.. take the time to understand why.
* Always.. aim for the highest, or prepare to settle for the lowest.
* Never... trust another being... before trusting yourself.
I have broken many of these promises to myself. And for that, I shame myself. For that.. I lose ones I care about, and I lose myself. I have failed. Miserably.