Vent...Rant...Whatever you want to call it.
Last night was fun, I hung out with people till around 2 am. I woke up at 11 today...meaning I got 9 hours sleep. Then, I spend all of today laying on the couch watching various movies and falling in and out of sleep, all the while eating snacks and meals. Despite the hundred or so things I have on my to do list, I spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing. This continued until around 1015pm when I decided to wake up and go for a walk. I walked for about 30 mins and had some time to think.
Lately, I have been exhausted...constantly. Sleeping only makes me more tired. This is something that has not gone unnoticed by my friends. But I don't think it is that I am tired so much as I am annoyed by my lack of productivity.
I was talking with Andrea the other day and I commented on the fact that I get anxious at times where I never used to have anxiety. Like we were out to dinner and were talking before we had ordered anything. I love talking and was not particularly hungry, but part of my wanted to just stop talking and find what we wanted to eat so we could order, eat and get out. This bothered me because I do enjoy the conversation and I should never take my friends for granted; my friends are the most important part of my life!
She has for some time now thought my tiredness to be chronic fatigue, or some other medical condition. We had discussed depression, and dismissed that earlier (though I may want to reconsider this based on my thoughts from tonight's walk). She also mentioned on another occasion that I could be tired because I am always working. At my new job, I never take breaks and almost always stay at least 30 minutes late, even though my boss told me not to stay later than 8 hours; Andrea called me a workaholic.
Tonight I realized that the unusual anxiety, along with my "workaholic" behavior and "chronic fatigue", could all be caused by the same thing. When I think of how I spend my time: I get up a 6:30, get ready and go to work from 8am till 5:30pm. I usually go to my friend's house and hang out and spend time with them; get food and help them run errands if they need. I then go home and try to get to bed by 11pm so I can get up and do it all over again. The thing is, I never do go to bed by 11, its usually more like 1am. Most days I arrive home around 11 (usually half awake while doing so), but even then do not go to bed, I stay up till 1 when i finally convince myself to go to bed because I am falling asleep on the couch. This is even true of the days that I go straight home after work; I sit on the couch doing nothing all night till 1. I am pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that I am so irrelevant; in my eyes, I am either unnecessary or 100% replaceable.
I go through my life pretending to be something wonderful and most people praise me for it, but I am nothing special. Nothing I do is hard. Most of what I am is fake, I show people what they want to see; I pretend that I am some great person who treats everybody with such kindness and works hard and goes out of his way to help people out. But this is nothing new, I hint at it often. "I wear my uniform well." When my parents comment on how proud they are of me and that I am "so smart" I usually respond with "no, I am just good at pretending." When I say this, I am not being modest, I am pretending. The bad thing is that sometimes, even I get caught up in the act, I start to believe this facade and when I remember the truth, it comes crashing down. For example, this entry is nothing new for me, I have written at least two other entries just like this, if not more.
But why do I think I am so unnecessary, so replaceable? Everything I do has very little affect on people. All the people "I go out of my way" to help, well truth is I do that not for them, but for me so I can feel like I mean something to someone; truth is that if I was never involved with their life, they would be just fine. They were fine before they ever knew me, I just throw myself into their situations so I can make myself feel like I am helping; I usually sit there clueless as to what to do while they show my step by step until they just end up doing it themselves anyways. But it makes me look good! YAY for Tyler!
This is the same with the hundreds of things that I have on my to do list...they never get done, no matter how easy they all are; there is a reason there are so many after all. But I have the excuse of "I spend my entire day working and have no free time, always helping others. And when I'm not working, I am so tired..." This too is bullshit, in a way. In a way, I am a bit of a workaholic. I like working because when I am at work, it is so much easier to convince myself that I am being productive and helping out the company, at least this is how I feel when I am busy at work. In all truth, there are hundreds of other engineers like me who are just as qualified for the job...I just happened to be available and asking for the lowest salary. It would not be difficult for my company to find another engineer to replace me. But at least at work, I know that I am doing what needs to be done and if things are slow, that is not because I am being unproductive, but because the company has nothing for me to do.
Sleep is similar in a way. When I am asleep, there is no fraud. I am doing what is expected of my to do...absolutely nothing. And like I said before, I always have a great excuse for being tired...
I know this sounds like a big pity party...I do not mean it that way. In no way do I mean to complain about my life or my friends or my job or any of that; I could not ask for a better situation to be in. If I didn't like my job, or friends anything else around me, I would change it. What I don't like is the way I have been acting lately; it needs to stop! And I mean for it to stop.
This doesn't mean that I will stop being nice to people and "going out of my way" for them, because even if they would be able to survive without me, it does still help them to have someone there with them to just talk to.
I guess I'm just writing to vent a little and get my thoughts down on "paper".
I do love my life and I love my friends...Thank you all.
Lately, I have been exhausted...constantly. Sleeping only makes me more tired. This is something that has not gone unnoticed by my friends. But I don't think it is that I am tired so much as I am annoyed by my lack of productivity.
I was talking with Andrea the other day and I commented on the fact that I get anxious at times where I never used to have anxiety. Like we were out to dinner and were talking before we had ordered anything. I love talking and was not particularly hungry, but part of my wanted to just stop talking and find what we wanted to eat so we could order, eat and get out. This bothered me because I do enjoy the conversation and I should never take my friends for granted; my friends are the most important part of my life!
She has for some time now thought my tiredness to be chronic fatigue, or some other medical condition. We had discussed depression, and dismissed that earlier (though I may want to reconsider this based on my thoughts from tonight's walk). She also mentioned on another occasion that I could be tired because I am always working. At my new job, I never take breaks and almost always stay at least 30 minutes late, even though my boss told me not to stay later than 8 hours; Andrea called me a workaholic.
Tonight I realized that the unusual anxiety, along with my "workaholic" behavior and "chronic fatigue", could all be caused by the same thing. When I think of how I spend my time: I get up a 6:30, get ready and go to work from 8am till 5:30pm. I usually go to my friend's house and hang out and spend time with them; get food and help them run errands if they need. I then go home and try to get to bed by 11pm so I can get up and do it all over again. The thing is, I never do go to bed by 11, its usually more like 1am. Most days I arrive home around 11 (usually half awake while doing so), but even then do not go to bed, I stay up till 1 when i finally convince myself to go to bed because I am falling asleep on the couch. This is even true of the days that I go straight home after work; I sit on the couch doing nothing all night till 1. I am pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that I am so irrelevant; in my eyes, I am either unnecessary or 100% replaceable.
I go through my life pretending to be something wonderful and most people praise me for it, but I am nothing special. Nothing I do is hard. Most of what I am is fake, I show people what they want to see; I pretend that I am some great person who treats everybody with such kindness and works hard and goes out of his way to help people out. But this is nothing new, I hint at it often. "I wear my uniform well." When my parents comment on how proud they are of me and that I am "so smart" I usually respond with "no, I am just good at pretending." When I say this, I am not being modest, I am pretending. The bad thing is that sometimes, even I get caught up in the act, I start to believe this facade and when I remember the truth, it comes crashing down. For example, this entry is nothing new for me, I have written at least two other entries just like this, if not more.
But why do I think I am so unnecessary, so replaceable? Everything I do has very little affect on people. All the people "I go out of my way" to help, well truth is I do that not for them, but for me so I can feel like I mean something to someone; truth is that if I was never involved with their life, they would be just fine. They were fine before they ever knew me, I just throw myself into their situations so I can make myself feel like I am helping; I usually sit there clueless as to what to do while they show my step by step until they just end up doing it themselves anyways. But it makes me look good! YAY for Tyler!
This is the same with the hundreds of things that I have on my to do list...they never get done, no matter how easy they all are; there is a reason there are so many after all. But I have the excuse of "I spend my entire day working and have no free time, always helping others. And when I'm not working, I am so tired..." This too is bullshit, in a way. In a way, I am a bit of a workaholic. I like working because when I am at work, it is so much easier to convince myself that I am being productive and helping out the company, at least this is how I feel when I am busy at work. In all truth, there are hundreds of other engineers like me who are just as qualified for the job...I just happened to be available and asking for the lowest salary. It would not be difficult for my company to find another engineer to replace me. But at least at work, I know that I am doing what needs to be done and if things are slow, that is not because I am being unproductive, but because the company has nothing for me to do.
Sleep is similar in a way. When I am asleep, there is no fraud. I am doing what is expected of my to do...absolutely nothing. And like I said before, I always have a great excuse for being tired...
I know this sounds like a big pity party...I do not mean it that way. In no way do I mean to complain about my life or my friends or my job or any of that; I could not ask for a better situation to be in. If I didn't like my job, or friends anything else around me, I would change it. What I don't like is the way I have been acting lately; it needs to stop! And I mean for it to stop.
This doesn't mean that I will stop being nice to people and "going out of my way" for them, because even if they would be able to survive without me, it does still help them to have someone there with them to just talk to.
I guess I'm just writing to vent a little and get my thoughts down on "paper".
I do love my life and I love my friends...Thank you all.