Question 1: Poly/ swinging/ open relationship
Ooooh! mY first question!
"There IS actually a question I've always wanted to ask you, so here goes.
I know that, in the past, you have been in "open relationships." I put that in quotes because that's probably not the right term, I just can't think of what else to call it. I'm not sure "polyamorous" fits, either. Anyway, I've always been curious: How do you deal with insecurity and jealousy? How are those emotions not a factor? I've heard the answers before about "we have a strong enough relationship" or "If they end up with the other person, it just wasn't meant to be." But that doesn't really work for me. How do you not fear losing the person you're madly in love with to someone else? How do you not get jealous seeing them with someone else*?
I guess I ask because I believe I have a strong relationship with my partner, but I can't say that I don't get jealous or insecure sometimes."
It's a good question and I am happy to have the opportunity to answer it, Lucy. BUT! I feel I must disclaim: This is MY experience only - it may vary wildly from other "open relationship" structures experience, and I claim ZERO information about other peoples' experiences. Just my own. So: Salt and mileage and all that jazz taken into consideration...
I'm still in an open relationship - you're right about the question about poly, too, though as a matter of fact. I do tend to see myself as poly, but I am probably more apt to describe myself as a swinger because I unless it's a relationship where everyone is involved with everyone else, I would rather not have the relationship and just fuck my brains out on an as-needed basis. Which is swinging.
*ahem*
Ok, that might have been an over-share, but you know... You ask these questions, I am going to be straight up. Anyhow: I don't generally like to date without HotRod, and while I am OK with him dating on his own to a degree, I prefer solo-dating outside of "us" to take place on a very casual basis. If we're BOTH dating someone/ a couple: groovy. If he's dating on his own, I prefer it be "Hey, Pave's out of town, let's have dinner and a romp" not "Hi, we're going to talk every day."
All of which seems not to answer your question, but really kinda does to me, and this is why: I *do* deal with jealousy issues. I need validation of knowing I am the locus of his attention and that I am not being usurped/ replaced/ judged/ compared and all manner of negative reactions.
They're totally a factor. But here's the thing: when I start to wig out and feel like "OMG, I suck and I am not nearly as cute and he's gonna leave me" -- I talk to him about what's going on in my head. And we work through it. We have certain boundries and rules and whatnot in place to help, too - like, I have freedom to do something if it comes up (unfortunate word choice, granted) when I travel for work, if I am so inclined and comfortable, and he's free to do as he would like at those times too (as long as the dogs are taken care of). Not in our bed, unless we're both involved. Dates are fine, but there's a call or curfew policy (so no one's sitting up all night waiting). Stuff like that. Basic consideration stuff, mostly. But first and foremost, I have to feel like I am his priority, not his other involvements. When that breaks down, so do I - and shit can get downright ugly in the house then. I will be completely honest about that.
It's important to note again this is what works for us - every open relationship has its own set of rules/ boundries/ etc - I am just giving you ours.
But, yeh, I get scared and jealous, and sure, he could fall in love with someone else. But those things can and do happen in monogamous relationships too. And my belief structure is such that I don't want to be his be-all, end-all - and I wouldn't want him to be mine, either 'cos I don't think it's healthy. I get horny for other people - in my "closed" relationships, I would get pissed off and resentful ("I bet PersonB is a kickass lay, and I WILL NEVER KNOW!") that I didn't have the chance to explore that, and it would damage my actual relationship 'cos I would focus so much on the other situation that I wasn't able to check out - or I would check it out and ruin my relationship anyhow 'cos I was a cheating whore. Interestingly, when I have the freedom to explore other options - and, frankly, get encouraged to do so with some regularity - I am much less likely to feel the need to do so. And HotRod is wired in such a way that he doesn't experience jealousy in its traditional forms - he'll get pissed off and protective for me when someone jerks me around, but that's about it. So all the rules we have in place are for me to feel safe and comfortable.
I tend to say "Oh, just FUCK HER ALREADY, I'm sick of hearing about it," and we laugh about it. Sex is just sex to me - the other bits are where it gets hard - and where it takes a LOT of fucking effort to be dead honest with myself and with him when I am bugged by something.
I have had some very good relationships and I have had some very bad relationships. Interestingly enough, I am probably more in love with HotRod (sorry, snogwise) than I have ever been with anyone in my life... and I am the least terrified of losing him because I feel incredibly comfortable with the idea that he CAN explore without recrimination and he chooses to come home to me. Without that freedom, in the past, I have been absolutley petrified that my partner would find someone s/he wnated to NAIL and would leave me to have the opportunity to experience the new and different - and I was scared 'cos I knew that's how I worked. I have no doubt in my mind that HotRos is with me because it's exactly where he wants to be - not because he's obligated or because he's trapped or anything.
But... really? I've done monogamy, and it never stopped my fears either - I just avoided thinking about them. I'm much more honest with myself - and my partner - in my life as it's structured now.
(*I didn't really answer this anywhere 'cos it doesn't often come into play (it's been a while since we dated together), but... it's incredibly hot to see someone else want my honey as much as I do, and know where he chooses to make his home. And to see someone else respond to things I am so familiar with? Holy mother of God, that's good stuff.)
Want to ask me a question? Comment on this post, 'cos it's all screened up: questions you have always wanted to ask, things you wish I wrote about, whatever. Hit me. I'm sturdy.
"There IS actually a question I've always wanted to ask you, so here goes.
I know that, in the past, you have been in "open relationships." I put that in quotes because that's probably not the right term, I just can't think of what else to call it. I'm not sure "polyamorous" fits, either. Anyway, I've always been curious: How do you deal with insecurity and jealousy? How are those emotions not a factor? I've heard the answers before about "we have a strong enough relationship" or "If they end up with the other person, it just wasn't meant to be." But that doesn't really work for me. How do you not fear losing the person you're madly in love with to someone else? How do you not get jealous seeing them with someone else*?
I guess I ask because I believe I have a strong relationship with my partner, but I can't say that I don't get jealous or insecure sometimes."
It's a good question and I am happy to have the opportunity to answer it, Lucy. BUT! I feel I must disclaim: This is MY experience only - it may vary wildly from other "open relationship" structures experience, and I claim ZERO information about other peoples' experiences. Just my own. So: Salt and mileage and all that jazz taken into consideration...
I'm still in an open relationship - you're right about the question about poly, too, though as a matter of fact. I do tend to see myself as poly, but I am probably more apt to describe myself as a swinger because I unless it's a relationship where everyone is involved with everyone else, I would rather not have the relationship and just fuck my brains out on an as-needed basis. Which is swinging.
*ahem*
Ok, that might have been an over-share, but you know... You ask these questions, I am going to be straight up. Anyhow: I don't generally like to date without HotRod, and while I am OK with him dating on his own to a degree, I prefer solo-dating outside of "us" to take place on a very casual basis. If we're BOTH dating someone/ a couple: groovy. If he's dating on his own, I prefer it be "Hey, Pave's out of town, let's have dinner and a romp" not "Hi, we're going to talk every day."
All of which seems not to answer your question, but really kinda does to me, and this is why: I *do* deal with jealousy issues. I need validation of knowing I am the locus of his attention and that I am not being usurped/ replaced/ judged/ compared and all manner of negative reactions.
They're totally a factor. But here's the thing: when I start to wig out and feel like "OMG, I suck and I am not nearly as cute and he's gonna leave me" -- I talk to him about what's going on in my head. And we work through it. We have certain boundries and rules and whatnot in place to help, too - like, I have freedom to do something if it comes up (unfortunate word choice, granted) when I travel for work, if I am so inclined and comfortable, and he's free to do as he would like at those times too (as long as the dogs are taken care of). Not in our bed, unless we're both involved. Dates are fine, but there's a call or curfew policy (so no one's sitting up all night waiting). Stuff like that. Basic consideration stuff, mostly. But first and foremost, I have to feel like I am his priority, not his other involvements. When that breaks down, so do I - and shit can get downright ugly in the house then. I will be completely honest about that.
It's important to note again this is what works for us - every open relationship has its own set of rules/ boundries/ etc - I am just giving you ours.
But, yeh, I get scared and jealous, and sure, he could fall in love with someone else. But those things can and do happen in monogamous relationships too. And my belief structure is such that I don't want to be his be-all, end-all - and I wouldn't want him to be mine, either 'cos I don't think it's healthy. I get horny for other people - in my "closed" relationships, I would get pissed off and resentful ("I bet PersonB is a kickass lay, and I WILL NEVER KNOW!") that I didn't have the chance to explore that, and it would damage my actual relationship 'cos I would focus so much on the other situation that I wasn't able to check out - or I would check it out and ruin my relationship anyhow 'cos I was a cheating whore. Interestingly, when I have the freedom to explore other options - and, frankly, get encouraged to do so with some regularity - I am much less likely to feel the need to do so. And HotRod is wired in such a way that he doesn't experience jealousy in its traditional forms - he'll get pissed off and protective for me when someone jerks me around, but that's about it. So all the rules we have in place are for me to feel safe and comfortable.
I tend to say "Oh, just FUCK HER ALREADY, I'm sick of hearing about it," and we laugh about it. Sex is just sex to me - the other bits are where it gets hard - and where it takes a LOT of fucking effort to be dead honest with myself and with him when I am bugged by something.
I have had some very good relationships and I have had some very bad relationships. Interestingly enough, I am probably more in love with HotRod (sorry, snogwise) than I have ever been with anyone in my life... and I am the least terrified of losing him because I feel incredibly comfortable with the idea that he CAN explore without recrimination and he chooses to come home to me. Without that freedom, in the past, I have been absolutley petrified that my partner would find someone s/he wnated to NAIL and would leave me to have the opportunity to experience the new and different - and I was scared 'cos I knew that's how I worked. I have no doubt in my mind that HotRos is with me because it's exactly where he wants to be - not because he's obligated or because he's trapped or anything.
But... really? I've done monogamy, and it never stopped my fears either - I just avoided thinking about them. I'm much more honest with myself - and my partner - in my life as it's structured now.
(*I didn't really answer this anywhere 'cos it doesn't often come into play (it's been a while since we dated together), but... it's incredibly hot to see someone else want my honey as much as I do, and know where he chooses to make his home. And to see someone else respond to things I am so familiar with? Holy mother of God, that's good stuff.)
Want to ask me a question? Comment on this post, 'cos it's all screened up: questions you have always wanted to ask, things you wish I wrote about, whatever. Hit me. I'm sturdy.