(no subject)
It is 4 am, I am going insane. Just watched the first season of Grey's Anatomy. I have so much homeowrk to do over the next couple of days. I am falling behind in classes while trying to get mentally psyched for the challenge of entering the classroom. Add on to that the pressure of a new job, friends, family, prayer and God, and like any average person stress has come to define me once again.
I am so sick of the jump back and forth in my life. Stability is what I long for and never achieve. I thought teacher's college would be stable: well i hate it and want to do something else. I thought I was destined to be married to fulfill my vocation for God, and well that is always a back to forth tug-of-war with God.
I just want it all to end, that whatever I am meant for, I just wanna do. I want to stop searching, and find it, live it, die for it. Whatever IT is. This day-to-day living crap sucks, I want out of it all. I just want to separate myself from this world completely, live in a land where images and hatred don't haunt you. And where your daily stresses don't define you.
I want to be capable of articulating who I am after I discover who I am. I want to be capable of discernment and acceptance, and find my way for once. I just want to be without the hardships of being. I know that is impossible, but I hate this world, i hate people, and i hate me who i am in this world.
But live it I will, not for my glory but for the plan laid out for me by God. I'll go kicking and screaming because right now acceptance is just way too hard. I just want to stop feeling imcomplete! I just want to stop feeling invisible. I just want to stop faking who I am. I just want to be who I am meant to be. And as i search I realize that the people who I am surrounded by, they take who I am away from me. I want me back, I'm not to be taken, even though I feel gone!
I am so sick of the jump back and forth in my life. Stability is what I long for and never achieve. I thought teacher's college would be stable: well i hate it and want to do something else. I thought I was destined to be married to fulfill my vocation for God, and well that is always a back to forth tug-of-war with God.
I just want it all to end, that whatever I am meant for, I just wanna do. I want to stop searching, and find it, live it, die for it. Whatever IT is. This day-to-day living crap sucks, I want out of it all. I just want to separate myself from this world completely, live in a land where images and hatred don't haunt you. And where your daily stresses don't define you.
I want to be capable of articulating who I am after I discover who I am. I want to be capable of discernment and acceptance, and find my way for once. I just want to be without the hardships of being. I know that is impossible, but I hate this world, i hate people, and i hate me who i am in this world.
But live it I will, not for my glory but for the plan laid out for me by God. I'll go kicking and screaming because right now acceptance is just way too hard. I just want to stop feeling imcomplete! I just want to stop feeling invisible. I just want to stop faking who I am. I just want to be who I am meant to be. And as i search I realize that the people who I am surrounded by, they take who I am away from me. I want me back, I'm not to be taken, even though I feel gone!