(no subject)
ugh. somethings been weighing on my mind a lot lately.
I think if I write it down here it might help a little.
some of you may remember Erica. she was my best best friend for several years.
she was one of the only friends I had during my awkward jr. high phase.
we hung out pretty much everyday. we were so close.
people thought we were lesbians.
after I started dating johnny our relationship started getting sour.
I was lame and focused all my attention on johnny and ignored everyone, including her.
so she had a right to be mad at me. we tried to work things out but it was just different.
we hung out and talked every once in a while but... I don't know.
I think we both tried to act like nothing happened... but it was... blegh.
then I kept hearing things about pot and getting drunk on a regular basis and it just wasn't the Erica I knew.
plus it seemed like she'd pretty much replaced me with Holly. and I mean, I wasn't mad.
kind of jealous, and mad at myself because I knew if I had gone to high school
things most likely wouldn't have changed so much.
so we just kind of stopped talking.
then there was the thing with Fabian.
he's one of my closest friends. and THE nicest person I have ever met.
I've never heard anything mean come out of him, even if he had the right.
Erica and I used to hang out with him, we'd go to shows together.
but then he told me that Holly and Erica had stopped talking to him.
and Holly had his brother's videos and wouldn't respond to him to even get those returned.
and they wouldn't tell him why they were being like that.
he sent bunches and bunches of e-mails trying to find out what he did and they never responded.
he asked Brooke and she said that they didn't want to be friends with him anymore because he was too old.
granted, Fabian is 29. but if you didn't know that you wouldn't guess he's over 22.
he's a late bloomer and really shy and so sweet.
and Erica never had a problem with his age before.
but Karl did.
he tried to tell Erica that she couldn't talk to him or hang out with him.
which is retarded. I think maybe she just gave into him. but I don't know.
I never had the guts to talk to her to ask.
that's basically what made me not want to try to pursue any kind of friendship with her.
I stopped commenting on her journal [lame to say that, but it gets a point accross].
a few weeks later I noticed she'd removed to me. alright, so I removed her. so that's that.
but then a few weeks ago she left this picture in my journal, with no explaination:
I didn't know what to say to it. so I didn't say anything.
but it made me curious as to WHY she even left it.
then Karl started coming around a lot. he's friends with my brother, Zach.
and he sometimes uses Erica's cell to call for Zach.
so sometimes I'll see her name pop up on the caller ID, think it's her... and my heart starts pounding.
should I answer it? is it her? or Karl? what if it is her?
what if she's calling to talk to me? what should I say?
I mean, I miss her. atleast, the her she was when we were still friends. I don't know who she is now.
but sometimes I get lame and look at her journal.
like just before I started writing this.
I found this:
Sarah's dad just called my phone trying to get a hold of Zach and Karl. Pooooo. I seriously almost cried.
then Brooke commented asking why she almost cried:
I miss Sarah
and then there was this in a survey she did:
Your Most Missed Memory: times spent with my "red"
I think it's safe to assume that's me.
those things got me kind of choked up.
I miss her too. you know, the her I knew.
it makes me want to call her and just make everything back to normal.
especially lately, since johnny works so much, I've realized that
I don't really have too many friends that I can just call and say,
"wanna come over and watch a movie or something?"
and apparently she's not friends with Holly anymore? I'm not sure.
it's all cryptic snips of livejournal entries.
maybe she stopped being friends with Fabian because Holly thought he was too old?
I never really knew Holly's stance on him. but I never knew Holly that well, period.
agh. all I know is that, if we were to be friends again, it would be hard.
things would always be different than they were. but I miss how we were together.
I was so comfortable with her.
but she'd have to explain herself about the Fabian situation before anything progressed.
a lot of things would have to get cleared up. A LOT.
rah rah rah. I'm so confused about the whole thing.