the shit: new story woot!
This is something I wrote for my Non-Fiction class, many names have been changed and the events are not exact because, well I wasnt there, but this shit is about 95% true, and that's better then the tabloids :b
Schadenfreude
Mark Twain once said that “truth is stranger then fiction.” The well of human experience alone can provide a writer with a never ending plethora of shitty situations. Now personally I have never experienced anything as horrific as what you may find flipping through the pages of the latest Jack Ketchum or Monica J. O’Rourke novel, but one thing I can say is that I’ve heard of some pretty messed up things happening to other people. Things that somehow or another make me feel a bit better about the embarrassing moments in my life. It’s strange to me how often times a person’s deepest darkest secrets can act as a form of entertainment to other people. Maybe it’s our way of coping with our own screwed up life, finding pleasure in other people’s pain and suffering; I believe the Germans call it Schadenfreude. Anyway, of all the fucked up things I have heard over the years, none stick out in my mind more than the three stories that were exchanged at a pizza place in San Francisco about two years ago. Now these are not necessarily the most shocking stories I’ve ever heard, they just seem to be the bar at which I measure the awfulness of other stories I come across.
My two best friends, Adolfo and Dolores, and I, had just gotten into San Francisco after a grueling 10 hour car ride and we were jonesing for a bite to eat, bad. So we decided to meet up with an old classmate of ours named Chris who lived in the area. He was sort of a San Francisco douche bag so he knew where all the great places to eat where. We met up with him at a pizza place on Mission St. called Pauline's Pizza. When we got there the place was not very packed, so we were seated with menus in hand within 5 minutes.
“Hey man you think they would substitute this alfredo sauce for the red stuff?” Dolores directed the question to Chris but didn’t look up from her menu.
“Yea their pretty good on special orders…”
Before Chris could finish his sentence Dolores began to giggle.
“What’s so funny D?”
“It’s gross. It’s really nothing; Red sauce just reminded me of something I heard.”
“Red sauce? Now you have to say it.”
“No…well… it’s just. Well Jessie told me this thing that happened to him when he was fucking some chick the other day.”
Jessie was an acquaintance of Adolfo and mine that had pretty much lived a rock stars life but without the money and fame; so pretty much he was just a convicted felon and drug addict that wore eyeliner.
“God, what the fuck did he do now?” Adolfo, still looking at his menu, just shook his head.
“Naw, nothing. It wasn’t him, it was the chick.”
“Wait who is Jessie?”
“Just this cock bag we know back in SD. Okay D, so what happened?”
“Well…”
IF IT DOESN’T HURT YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT:
Jessie had only been dating Janelle for about a week and all they had done so far was make out, which is something Jessie wasn’t accustomed to. Most of the tail he went for gave it up on the first date, so a week was like years to him. This was going to be the night though, he either got some tonight or else he was going to ditch the bitch. He didn’t have time to be wasting on some little prude when there was plenty of prime pussy at the goth clubs just waiting to take him home and pounce those meth soaked bones.
They arrived at Jessie’s place around 1am. The club that night had been pretty dead and, since Jessie already knew who he was going home with, there was no real reason in spending any more money.
“So ah, you need to be home at any time?”
“Nope, I’m a big girl I can stay out as late as I want.”
“19 constitutes old these days? You’re just a baby.”
“Fuck yea it does! And I’m not so innocent you know?”
“Oh no?”
“No…” Janelle grabbed Jessie’s head and kissed him hard. Jessie took off his jacket while kissing her, and threw it to the ground awkwardly.
“Let’s go to the bedroom.” She said between her kisses. So they walked a few paces into Jessie’s messy ass room.
“Sorry about the mess”
“Whatever it’s better dirty.”
“Huh?”
Janelle grabbed Jessie and threw him to the bed. She was a little drunk so her inhibitions were on hold and she wasn’t afraid to take what she felt was hers.
“I want you to fuck me Jessie.” Jessie’s eyes grew large; finally he was going to be able to pluck that peach he’d had his eye on for so long. She took off her clothes slowly and did a little strip tease. Jessie, being very turned on and drunk, ripped off his clothes like they were on fire. Jessie noticed that her skin tone was darker than his; shirt off, her make-up was now visibly a different shade then the rest of her body. Jessie studied more of her body as she revealed new parts: Breasts medium C cups, two back dimples, no gut, and a nice firm ass, she must work out.
Before Jessie was able to drink it all in though, she was on top of him rubbing her lips up and down his dick, but not letting him penetrate her. He closed his eyes and held her close, he could smell her shampoo, raspberry I think; it drove him crazy. He grabbed her ass tight letting her know he was ready for the big show. She took the hint quick, and moved up a little so that Jessie could slip inside.
This was it, the moment of truth, no condom but he didn’t give a shit; pulling out and going on their chest was always more fun anyway. He found the opening and went full steam ahead but his effort was quickly halted. Janelle moaned in pleasure, but Jessie was confused. He tried to stick it in further but something was blocking the entry. What the hell?
Janelle just kept moaning, now pushing down harder, which just made Jessie’s dick hurt. And after a few more minutes the pain was too much to bear.
“Dude okay we gotta stop!” Jessie pulled away and quickly noticed that the tip of his dick was covered in blood.
“Why stop?”
“Ehh, I think you’re on your rag. And we gotta stop because something’s blocking your shit”
“I know it’s my tampon, keep shoving it in further, it feels amazing.”
“Wait…what?!? No! Go take that shit out man!”
Janelle looked at Jessie with a little aggravation, and then got off of him in a huff.
“Why do you have that in anyway? My shit ain’t big enough for you?”
“Well I wasn’t sure, maybe I needed a little more.” Janelle yelled back from the bathroom.
“Serious!”
“No idiot. It just feels nice”
She came back to the room and rubbed her hands over Jessie’s shoulders.
“Alright, it’s good now.”
Jessie pulled her onto the bed and threw her on top of him. He rubbed her pussy and played with her clit, getting her wet so he could go back in quickly. He found the hole but was stopped short again.
“Dude you didn’t take it out did you?”
“No. But come on Jess, it’s not that bad is it?”
“Ew!” Chris said with a chuckle.
“What a dirty bitch man”
“I know right? That’s what I thought. But I’m not surprised though, Jessie dates some filthy girls.”
“That’s because he’s a filthy motherfucker. But dude that’s not as bad as this one story I heard. You know that chick Goldie we went to high school with?”
“Yea” the whole table said to me, almost in scary unison.
“I heard this about 6 years back…”
JACUZZI BLUES:
If there was a place in the year book for most likely to be a prostitute, Goldie would have won hands down. After her first year of school she had pretty much fucked the whole Baseball team, but in her junior year she had slowed down a bit and was looking for some real commitment. Sex was fun, but she was looking for a connection; someone to make her feel safe on those lonely nights at home. She was about to give up her search when she met Richard. He was tall, had dark skin, and a smile that could make the Mariana Trench light up.
After dating for about two months things really started to heat up. Goldie and Richard had almost had sex once, but they got caught when Goldie’s mom came home unexpectedly. Needless to say, the house was off limits; Richard’s house was as well.
One day, when the tension was a bit too much to bear, Richard suggested they go to the Jacuzzi by his house. It was closed after ten but no one was on guard. They could sneak in and every thing would be aces. The two jumped the fence, looked around and made their way to the jacuzzi. They stripped down to their birthday suites and gently stepped in. After talking for about three minutes, their hormones took over and they started making out; their bodies, tying and untying one another like a pair of twin vipers.
After much fore play Richard used the lube, provided by the pool water, to slip into Goldie. Their rhythm took a bit to get right, being in the pool and all, but soon it was perfect. He was driving it into just the right spot. Goldie had never been with a guy who was as large as Richard so she almost felt like it was her first time again. Feeling so good Goldie decided to get a little dirty; she stopped Richard and told him to stick in her ass. At first Richard was a little apprehensive, but she explained how “it might be tighter” and that “he may like it a bit more in the water.” Richard decided to go along with it, though for him it was uncharted territory.
Because he had been sticking his fingers in her ass all night, by the time she asked for anal, she was pretty loosened up. She moaned in pain for the first thrust, but after she got him to move to the left a little, she started to enjoy it. She was more turned on by the naughtiness of their public display rather than the act itself though. Richard on the other hand, was just enjoying fucking that ass.
Pretty soon he had her standing up in the middle of the Jacuzzi, their genitals still a bit submerged, just pounding away. Goldie was screaming for more, not giving any thought to who might hear them. After a few minutes of this though, Goldie started to feel a weird pressure in her stomach, almost like she had to take a shit. She tapped at Richard’s hip to slow it down a bit, but he didn’t get the hint. He was so close to cumming that he couldn’t focus on anything but the target, just a little more. He drove it in hard one more time and then his hour glass ran out, but as he pulled out to go, something else came with him. The pressure that had been built up in Goldie’s ass, from being under water, was quickly released, along with the contents of her stomach. Richard, trying to recover from his orgasm didn’t notice the mess until he opened his eyes. Once the daze had faded, Richards jaw dropped. He was in complete shock, as he was met with the cum-shit smoothie he was now immersed in. The smell alone made him vomit a little in his mouth, something that felt strange given the extreme pleasure he had just experienced. The two looked at one another and were speechless; neither one knowing what to say. They trudged through the waste and stepped, shivering and petrified, out of the jacuzzi. After a very uncomfortable shower in the men’s room, both teenagers grabbed their clothes and headed home not saying a word to one another.
The next day a family went to the pool early and a little 8 year-old kid, with out knowing the horrors that awaited him, jumped into the Jacuzzi. He got out quickly, crying and covered in shit. The Jacuzzi was promptly cleaned and no one spoke of it ever again. As for Goldie and Richard, I think they broke up shortly after, too grossed out to ever have sex again.
“Damn dude” Adolfo said through a bite of pepperoni pizza.
The place was a little more packed now but we were the loudest ones in the place, which was probably a bad thing considering the subject matter of our conversation.
“Well that’s all I got. Moral of the story…”
Dolores looked up quickly.
“Don’t fuck in the Jacuzzi, especially if you’ve had a big meal. Hah”
“Exactly. Hey Adolfo you got any crazy stories like that?”
“Sorta. I mean it’s short, but pretty fucked up.”
“Let’s hear it mang.”
“Alright So…”
EXTRA JALEPINOS PLEASE:
I was roommates with these guys Mark and Jason. Well, one night Jason came home from the bar drunk as shit and on the arm of this girl he met; who couldn’t have been more than 19, mind you. I don’t know where I was. I think I stayed at a friend’s house that night. Anyway when they got in Mark was asleep in the living room, so Jason took her into their room. The two started making out, all sloppy and fucked up. You know, like you do when you’re fucked up beyond belief. Jason started taking the girls clothes off and, she didn’t hate it, so she started ripping his off too. The minute she got his boxers off she began sucking his dick. This wasn’t slow either, she was deep-throating like she had no gag reflex; buckets of saliva running off the sides of her mouth, dripping off her chin. But as nice as that felt, he didn’t care. The whole reason he was attracted to this girl was that she had an ass you could eat sushi off of. So, and with out really asking, he turned her around and started doing her in the ass. She wasn’t very into it and tried to stop him a few times but the alcohol had a good hold on her so she eventually gave up fighting. The two eventually passed out from sex exhaustion and the next morning the chick was gone. Jason got up happy, but quickly realized that his dick was in extreme pain. He went to the mirror to check it out and, to Jason’s surprise, his dick was like, red and swollen and stung like a bitch. He ran out to Mark in the living room, boxers down, yelling at him to wake up. Mark opened his eyes and was greeted by Jason’s dick about three inches from his face.
“Dude look at my dick I think there is something wrong!” he said.
“What the fuck Jason! Get your dick out of my face!!” Mark said tired and annoyed, trying not to look at Jason’s inflamed member.
“No dude, seriously LOOK!” Mark rolled his eyes and looked down.
“What the fuck is that man?!”
“I think that chick gave me something dude.”
“Well an STD wouldn’t show up this quick, but you definitely got some fucked up shit going on right there.”
So dude goes to the doctor right, and…
“He had a fucking Jalapeño seed stuck in his urethra! Doctor said it got lodged in there when he was doing her in the ass. I guess seeds don’t always digest or something.”
The whole table yelled and cringed. Dolores screamed, “Oh my God, that’s pretty fucked up right there!”
We were all so caught up in Adolfo’s story that we hadn’t noticed that the entire restaurant was staring at our table in silence, listening intently. We stopped laughing, noticing the silence, and turned to our waitress and a crowd of very disgusted strangers. The waitress looked about as upset as the customers, so I slowly raised my finger as if I didn’t already have her attention.
“Check please.”