i get lost inside my fear that i am nothing without you..
i'm having yet another emotional night. i just got through watching 'the story of us' with bruce willis and michelle pheiffer... it may be the vikadin i took for my scholiosis that has been killing me lately, but then again... i'm just doing the usual thing that i do which is thinking... thinking about everything... the past.. the future..the now...
i miss my dad so much. i haven't seen him all year... it's hard to live each day without hearing one of his quirky jokes or even hearing myself making fun of the way he acts younger than i do.... he is one of my best friends..and it hurts to live each day without being able to share things with him. and when i do get the chance to talk to him i usually become too closed off to even remotely think about how i'm truly feeling or what words i want to come out of my mouth...
everything just gets too much for me at times. i can't help but think about the past and past mistakes...how i became the person i am today and what i like and dislike about those choices and the person i am... i overwhelm myself with these types of thoughts.. i think that is why i am so unhappy at times.. i'm not content ever...
i wish that i could be different sometimes... not completely..but in some aspects... i know that i never can to an extreme point because a lot of the way i am is due to my past and childhood..i can't rewind and start over...life isn't a movie... it's the real thing... i have to take my past...edit it...and move on and live life....i'm not sure if any of you understand at all what i'm talking about...so if you think i'm retarded, it's fine with me...
moving on and living life is hard sometimes... when you don't beleive in yrself the way that i do. i need something to live for..something to drive me...a muse perhaps..something..as of now i have nothing that comes to mind...
things have changed so much in the past 5 years...::sigh::
goodnight everyone..
i miss my dad so much. i haven't seen him all year... it's hard to live each day without hearing one of his quirky jokes or even hearing myself making fun of the way he acts younger than i do.... he is one of my best friends..and it hurts to live each day without being able to share things with him. and when i do get the chance to talk to him i usually become too closed off to even remotely think about how i'm truly feeling or what words i want to come out of my mouth...
everything just gets too much for me at times. i can't help but think about the past and past mistakes...how i became the person i am today and what i like and dislike about those choices and the person i am... i overwhelm myself with these types of thoughts.. i think that is why i am so unhappy at times.. i'm not content ever...
i wish that i could be different sometimes... not completely..but in some aspects... i know that i never can to an extreme point because a lot of the way i am is due to my past and childhood..i can't rewind and start over...life isn't a movie... it's the real thing... i have to take my past...edit it...and move on and live life....i'm not sure if any of you understand at all what i'm talking about...so if you think i'm retarded, it's fine with me...
moving on and living life is hard sometimes... when you don't beleive in yrself the way that i do. i need something to live for..something to drive me...a muse perhaps..something..as of now i have nothing that comes to mind...
things have changed so much in the past 5 years...::sigh::
goodnight everyone..