(no subject)
"Heather, you have been obsessing about this all semester. You should talk to someone (maybe Ms. Wagner?)
Sincerely."
That's Mr. Kutcher's responce to my journals. At first I laughed. Then I was upset because it's totally true. I'm not sure if he's specifically referring to me coming out to my parents, or me being comfortable about myself in general, pertaining to my sexuality. Either way, I have been bringing it up way too much. Almost everything I write about has some ties to that. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of trying to figure out how to deal.
I'm sick of being offered the opportunity to talk to people. I think I should, but also think that I'm not worthy of others' time. I'm not stuck in a rut; I've been managing. Yes, I'd love to talk to someone just for the sake of talking, but I also know that won't happen. I can't just approach someone. And I don't take any action on anything I want to do anyway.
I can't even talk to someone anonymously.
Every time a new person comes around and pays me attention, I'm prone to call them my "best friend" or "the best thing that's ever happened to me." And I'm trying really hard not to anymore because I don't want to let myself down in the end.
My cousin and his wife make me cry.
I'm 18 and I don't think I can emotionally and socially handle a job. As if I haven't made that apparent enough.
I can't play the music for our concert on Wednesday. I used to be a decent player.
Eye contact + job interviews = hard. I don't want to think about it.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll get to go to sleep too.
Sincerely."
That's Mr. Kutcher's responce to my journals. At first I laughed. Then I was upset because it's totally true. I'm not sure if he's specifically referring to me coming out to my parents, or me being comfortable about myself in general, pertaining to my sexuality. Either way, I have been bringing it up way too much. Almost everything I write about has some ties to that. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of trying to figure out how to deal.
I'm sick of being offered the opportunity to talk to people. I think I should, but also think that I'm not worthy of others' time. I'm not stuck in a rut; I've been managing. Yes, I'd love to talk to someone just for the sake of talking, but I also know that won't happen. I can't just approach someone. And I don't take any action on anything I want to do anyway.
I can't even talk to someone anonymously.
Every time a new person comes around and pays me attention, I'm prone to call them my "best friend" or "the best thing that's ever happened to me." And I'm trying really hard not to anymore because I don't want to let myself down in the end.
My cousin and his wife make me cry.
I'm 18 and I don't think I can emotionally and socially handle a job. As if I haven't made that apparent enough.
I can't play the music for our concert on Wednesday. I used to be a decent player.
Eye contact + job interviews = hard. I don't want to think about it.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll get to go to sleep too.