A Way With Words
I've always been told that I have a way with words and the way in which I communicate. It's an honor that I have carried close to my heart because I know the journey that it was to learn to understand, appreciate, and correctly convey in a language that was not my birth tongue. I do take some pride in being able to use words, especially when I write, to truly capture my thoughts because I think it's important to say what you need to say [to borrow from John Mayer].
However, I've found that lately my way with words has not been so eloquent or effective. In my defense, I am a better writer at conveying what's on my mind and heart better than I have ever been at just speaking my truth out loud. My head gets all jumbled in trying to find just the right words to say and adjusting intonations and inflections to ensure that everything is clear. All in all, I just end up stumbling over every syllable and sounding like a repetitive parrot that has had one too many mimosas. Well let's just say Polly stepped in all of her words recently and was assessed to have been creepy in her delivery. I was taken aback by the comment and by the person it came from because even though I probably wasn't saying my message as clearly as possible, it was still coming from a place of sincere love and care. Needless to say, after many hours of tears I've been reassessing and trying to be uber careful about what I say or don't say moving forward with everyone.
We've since apologized to each other and things seem to maybe almost be back to normal, but I can't help but shake my over-nagging feelings that have had me rethinking every conversation, every letter, every text, every time I've answered a question to anyone and just how they may have perceived the words coming out of my mouth. Am I always as clear as I think I'm being when I engage with others? Do people really get what I'm trying to say? I know that all of this boils down to a superfluous inner battle that I'm having that I will definitely have to let go of or be pained with the constant over-thinking, but I had to bring it to journaling since I am better at the written word over the spoken. I used to always think that my biggest problem in communication was my inability to say and share the things that were on my mind and heart to the people who needed to hear them, but this recent interaction has given me a sincere moment for pausing to reflect on my way with words...said or unspoken.