Read I Hope This Finds A Way Into Your Heart...
I wrote him a letter to fully explain all of the thoughts and feelings that have consumed me over the past few years [and by him, I mean the one guy who has been my complication "for like EVER"]. Though I lack the courage to confront him and say this all in person, I was very impressed at how much I was able to pour out on paper. It astounds me how I do possess the right words when he is not in my vacinity, but God help me in making any sense when he is around. However, the main question that now lies is will I give him the letter?? Is it worth it to risk heartache and humiliation, just to finally know what he's thinking? Again, I don't like gambling and I have never been one for taking risks...but I don't want all of that writing, all of that honesty to have happened in vain. I think I've gone through a thousand pieces of paper, all filled with the listing pros and cons about my next step in our so called "relationship", and still I have no clue what the right thing to do is. This is precisely where I fail in being a Libra, because balanced and good decision maker, I am not.
Ryan says that I should just get it over with already. He and I actually were at a standstill a week and a half ago about how he really felt about my whole situation with this other guy. I know that his comments and honesty were coming from a place of love and genuine friendship, but it still hurt to hear him almost tell me how upset and disappointed he is to know that I've allowed myself to be in this "game" for as long as I've been. Thusly, he's encouraging me to go ahead and give my letter- put everything on the line- and just live (as he puts it). All sound advice, but will he be the good best friend who picks up my broken heart and helps me put it back together when this all blows up in my face? I had to ask him that, and of course I got a stock BFF response [something about not knowing my own strength and that I will be better than any heartbreak that may come my way]. But what I think Ry is failing to see is that the insane part of me that has held on for almost over three years in this is the biggest part of me that is afraid to not have anyone in her life. This guy is not a bad guy, at all. He has always been caring, nice, respectful, supportive, funny, a friend, a listener, a voice of truth, a fun time, a date, an amazing addition to my days. The only and most argumentative issue is that he's never been clear about the friendship/confusing relationship. And partly so, it could be because I may have been an assinine girl and read too much into things. So do I really want to risk losing all of the aformentioned qualities because of my maybe yes maybe no confusion? I don't want to, but Ry , in looking out for my own happiness, seems to think that it's not worth it anymore to put myself through this. Guess I know what it feels like being on this end after all of the BFF caring/medling I did to his love life when he was with Marianne (all be it, I was always just making sure that she would make as happy as I know he deserves to be).
I'm upset that this situation still persists in my life, and that while I am educated I haven't learned to be better in all of this. But something came to me this past Holy week with all of the opportunities to sit and reflect with God. My friend Kathy asked me on Monday if I loved him. Without hesitation, I said yes, but she made me think about the definition of that word as it is found in 1 Corinthians 13 and asked it again. Though I took more time to think about it, my answer was still yes. I thought about that a lot at church and why my answer had been so. God puts people in your life for a multiplicity of reasons. Even the people that you wouldn't think twice of or wondered "holy cannoli why that person", He puts them there for you to walk away knowing a little bit more about who you are and about how much He cares for you. I thought about this with Jesus having had Judas in his life. Could he have gone through life without needing to have that sort of character in his days? Why certainly! But all of who Jesus became after having known Judas would have been lost and none of us would be where we are today. So while that might not have been the most productive relationship for our Savior, it led Him to become an even more open, self sacrificing, and loving individual- a role model for all. What does any of that have to do with my current heart situation? Well, why was he sent into my life? I kept asking God that, asking for a sign to let me know why I needed to know this guy and go through all of this. And it hadn't dawned on me until after thinking about the answer I gave to Kathy. He came into my life so that I could love, so that I could believe that my heart could feel that joy and the realness of that pain. I've been hurt a lot in the past, and he has his great deep deal of heartbreak that he carries around, and we've been able to talk about it openly together without fear that one will think the other is damaged. We've grown as friends and people, and I think (at least for myself) I've begun to trust in love again because of what we've shared. Does he feel the same? I couldn't tell you what his heart is thinking about that because I honestly don't know. His actions and his words never quite match up into a clear answer. So this brings me all back to the letter. I felt God telling me that I just needed to be honest, especially if I've realized why this person is in my life...I need to share this as openly with whom it matters the same way that I can talk to Kathy and Ry about it. I've resolved to give it to him, when the right time presents itself; that's my new prayer- for the time when I'll be able to know without hesitation that I just need to lay all my cards out on the table and be fully honest. I hope that this prayer will be steadfast because I think that I've come to a point in my life with all of this where I need to tell him and get it over. Whether my telling sparks a new life into a relationship for the pair of us or lets me know that I can now move on to find who my heart really may belong to, at least I can thank what he and I have had for helping me to not be completely desolate and afraid about love anymore.