Have you ever wanted to believe in something so badly...
I know that I wrestle with a lot everyday: my self esteem, my stress level, my anxiety, my need for perfection and balance. Yet through all of that, there has always been one tangible aspect of my life that I could count on to be a steady anchor. The friendships that are most meaningful to me have kept me sane through the hard times. The ability to turn to the few individuals that make life so exciting has been a gift that, at times I've taken for granted, but more often than not, I have found a sincere gratefulness for. I LOVE my friends!!! But sadly, I've been having such a hard time with them lately. Whether it's that I've lost some of them for reasons unbeknownst to me or just feeling a tension between a friend and I, or just feeling unwanted by another. These happenings in my friendships are new for me in a way, especially when I'm not the one that has flubbed up the situation like I normally tend to.
I currently have two of my good college friends not speaking to me because I was unable to make it to a special occasion. I apologized a hundred times for my lack of attendance and support, but I had my hands tied to a family priority. In any other time, without the constraints of my family, I would have gone in a heartbeat. I mean, come on, I am angry with love right now, but I know I could put that all aside and celebrate the love and union of my friends without reservation. But I had a family obligation...I'm sorry. Needless to say, my apologies and outreach has not rectified the situation at all, and it breaks my heart because these were friendships that came to be for us three after really having to learn what true friendship means.
I miss my Homegurl (MEGHAN) and the fact that we haven't spoken in so long is killing me because I feel that there's this tension between us. Is the idea of the tension merely a creation of my insecure imagination??? Maybe, but I still can't believe that we've gone so long without talking....it's new for me.
Now you would think that those two friendship situations would be enough to have in life and deal with, especially at my age.......not so much. Actually, my biggest struggle comes from the one friendship that has such a special place in my heart. I'm not demoting any other friendship that I have; it's just that this one took a lot of work to build and we had a lot of difficult hurdles to overcome. So it's a relationship that I would never, ever trade despite the fact that this person drives me INSANE, sometimes. But lately, I've been feeling like our friendship has been unwanted or just convenient. This person is so very important to me and I am always letting cette person know how much they matter to me, because I know that it reassures them. And there was a time that I used to feel that reciprocated, but not lately. Now, could it be that this person has found a good individual to be happy with in this life beyond a platonic relationship? YES....and I'm happy for him...unbelievably happy for him because he deserves happiness a million times over. However, our friendship and it's familiarity has had to take a backseat to budding love. I'm complacent with that reality, sometimes, and other times I just wish that things could go back to the way they used to be. Do I want this person to shout it from the mountain tops that I am important in their life? NOOOOOOOOOO, not at all. Maybe just a little whisper to me to reassure my pensive thoughts and heart. Do I want this person to forfeit all others solely for me? I don't think I want thaaaat much time with cette person, but it would be amazing to have time to hang out like the old days and not just because of opportunities to conveniently get tasks done. I sense that my fear and concern in all of this stems from an "agida" that I feel because I know that we don't have that much time left on our friendship. We're both growing up and moving along in life, and change is a guarantee for both of us. Now what's uncertain is the rate at which all of these changes will happen in both our lives, but it can be promised that whatever those changes are they will affect our friendship and what we've built. And that affect, in my mind, is a damaging one which will result in having to let go of one thing for something better. Again, that person's full happiness is and always will be my main concern...and if that means having to forfeit a friendship with me in order for that happiness to thrive...well....::sigh:: I don't know....I guess it just has to be so. I just wish I could talk to this person and be this open instead of putting it in words where he'll never see it. But I want more time on the friendship, and right now I chose not to jeopardize it by voicing feelings that could make it awkward for the two of us.
I've never had to struggle at friendships before. I've always been the girl who could easily make friends, find stuff to talk about and have in common, and definitely go out of my way to make sure that those friendships lasted for how ever long God wanted them to. Though, I have made some pretty royal mistakes in the past and flubbed up a few friendships, the imporant individuals and relationships in my life have always risen above my stupidity. Why the difficulty now? It's said that something worthwhile is worth fighting for. Friendships, meaningful- life impacting friendships are just that, and I'm fighting sooooo hard right now. I'm just failing to be the winner in all of it.