If you are there always for others, then in time, someone will be there for you. Really???
I have spent the past few days sick as a dog in bed with the flu. I guess in my lovely profession, I forgot to instruct my students that although I teach them to share nicely with others..there are just some things, like icky sick germs, that they should not share. So they have done just that, they have shared their flu germs with me and wiped me out. I finally went back to work today to a class with 6 absent students because they are still sick. I'm not 100% well either, but I got restless sitting at home with nothing to do. I just hope this sickness goes away so that my spring break isn't marked with tissues, ,medicine, and constant bed rest.
That's it for my physical state of being. As for my emotional and spiritual states, they are a bit more jambled. I rely heavily on God to help me deal with difficult situations and difficult people, and He always helps me get through everything. But what does one do, when the difficult situation is just the lack of love and connection that you feel toward a person and that difficult person is your grandfather? It is completely an uncomfortable situation that I have been dealing with for many years now, but as less time is given to us I'm finding it harder to pray and get pass this. I am fortunate to be blessed with both grandfathers on this earth, but the ways that I love and interact with them are very different. I absolutely adore my Pop-Pop (dad's dad). He has been there for me all my life in a multitude of ways and I am so grateful for that. He can make me smile, and laugh, and share history with me about the family, and is someone whose words mean a lot to me. I have always had a dream of he and my father being the ones to walk me down the aisle and give me away, and I hope that that will happen some day. If God were to ever take PopPop from me, I don't know what I would do or how I would be able to go on sanely in this life.
Can I say the same about my mom's dad? I can't, and though it hurts to admit and is probably wrong, it is the fact of the matter. He and I are not close, have never been and might not ever be. His priorities are so twisted in this life and I don't get his stubborness at all. He's flippin old and insists on driving a taxi in NYC daily. Ummmm, I'm sorry but at 79 I don't think that that is appropriate. He lives in a deplorable state, needs so much medical care, and just does not seem to care about much of anything, especially his grandkids. Who does that?!?!? He has 7 children who are all working professionals who would not mind putting him up and taking care of him here in NJ, but he pushes that away. He came over this week, and again after constant pleading to come retire here by my aunt, his response was that if he were to move here, he would die. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? So you would rather risk everything in New York everyday than be close to your family that so desperately wants to love you. It hurt to hear him say that and know that he was serious. I walked up to my mom's room and sat her down to talk things over. She had no explanation for my grandfather, as does no one who knows him. She finally understands my pain and yearning, but she sees that it's too late to try and change. She asked me, well more like stated to me, that she knew I would not cry at his funeral--at least not for a long time. And you know what, she's right. I will shed tears out of respect for the fact that he was my grandfather, but I don't think it will break me as much as if I were to lose PopPop. I don't know what else to do. I'm praying ardently these days to ask God to bring us together, give me the patience and will to understand him and connect with him, but it has to be a mutual effort....my grandfather is not giving that. I guess it's true what they say about families....you definitely don't get to pick them.
My emotional turmoil is, as always, being caused by a guy whom I should never have let into my heart. This issue with him has been on going for too long, and I actually am looking to put an end to my feelings because I just can't keep letting him hurt me. Things have changed so drastically between us over the past month. Ever since my last encounter with him a month ago, we've grown apart and I'm beginning to notice things about him that I really wish I could be oblivious to. He has this girlfriend that I never hear about. We are supposedly very close and have talked about everything and anything, but he finds it difficult and damn near impossible to sit and tell me about the special girl in his life right now. I mean, feelings aside, he has said that I'm like a great friend to him and he is one of those few and rare guy friends that you just don't ever want to lose...so if we're such great friends, then please share this with me...I want to be happy for you, too (while secretely hating it of course). I just don't understand that, which is more of the reason what I feel so used by him and my emotions so played. But the other thing that has gotten my heart into a tangle over this is just how much we don't talk anymore. We used to talk all the time. He would call or text or IM to talk anything--> the day, how much work sucks, family, plans, whatever. And now, nothing, he won't return the few and rare instances that I try to contact him. I know I've been trying to pull away from him to protect my heart from falling in love with him even more than I already am; but there has to be something wrong for all lines of communication to be cut off, especially by him. It makes me feel like I was just convenient person for him and maybe not an important friend after all; Someone to talk to and what not when he didn't have what he wanted or was looking for. I'm not some damn ragdoll that he can pick up and play with anytime he feels like it and toss me aside when the better barbie comes along. I loved him and some sick and twisted part of me still does. And while he may never know my true feelings for him, my feelings towards our friendship is changing and I want him to know that....so that he can fix it. I just don't know how I'm going to bring this up with him.
So that's the recap. What have we learned, children?!?!?! Nyquil and Tylenol are good...germs are bad....family drives you nuts....and don't fall in love with stupid boys because they break your heart and cluelessly don't know that they're doing it!!
I'm outtie
That's it for my physical state of being. As for my emotional and spiritual states, they are a bit more jambled. I rely heavily on God to help me deal with difficult situations and difficult people, and He always helps me get through everything. But what does one do, when the difficult situation is just the lack of love and connection that you feel toward a person and that difficult person is your grandfather? It is completely an uncomfortable situation that I have been dealing with for many years now, but as less time is given to us I'm finding it harder to pray and get pass this. I am fortunate to be blessed with both grandfathers on this earth, but the ways that I love and interact with them are very different. I absolutely adore my Pop-Pop (dad's dad). He has been there for me all my life in a multitude of ways and I am so grateful for that. He can make me smile, and laugh, and share history with me about the family, and is someone whose words mean a lot to me. I have always had a dream of he and my father being the ones to walk me down the aisle and give me away, and I hope that that will happen some day. If God were to ever take PopPop from me, I don't know what I would do or how I would be able to go on sanely in this life.
Can I say the same about my mom's dad? I can't, and though it hurts to admit and is probably wrong, it is the fact of the matter. He and I are not close, have never been and might not ever be. His priorities are so twisted in this life and I don't get his stubborness at all. He's flippin old and insists on driving a taxi in NYC daily. Ummmm, I'm sorry but at 79 I don't think that that is appropriate. He lives in a deplorable state, needs so much medical care, and just does not seem to care about much of anything, especially his grandkids. Who does that?!?!? He has 7 children who are all working professionals who would not mind putting him up and taking care of him here in NJ, but he pushes that away. He came over this week, and again after constant pleading to come retire here by my aunt, his response was that if he were to move here, he would die. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? So you would rather risk everything in New York everyday than be close to your family that so desperately wants to love you. It hurt to hear him say that and know that he was serious. I walked up to my mom's room and sat her down to talk things over. She had no explanation for my grandfather, as does no one who knows him. She finally understands my pain and yearning, but she sees that it's too late to try and change. She asked me, well more like stated to me, that she knew I would not cry at his funeral--at least not for a long time. And you know what, she's right. I will shed tears out of respect for the fact that he was my grandfather, but I don't think it will break me as much as if I were to lose PopPop. I don't know what else to do. I'm praying ardently these days to ask God to bring us together, give me the patience and will to understand him and connect with him, but it has to be a mutual effort....my grandfather is not giving that. I guess it's true what they say about families....you definitely don't get to pick them.
My emotional turmoil is, as always, being caused by a guy whom I should never have let into my heart. This issue with him has been on going for too long, and I actually am looking to put an end to my feelings because I just can't keep letting him hurt me. Things have changed so drastically between us over the past month. Ever since my last encounter with him a month ago, we've grown apart and I'm beginning to notice things about him that I really wish I could be oblivious to. He has this girlfriend that I never hear about. We are supposedly very close and have talked about everything and anything, but he finds it difficult and damn near impossible to sit and tell me about the special girl in his life right now. I mean, feelings aside, he has said that I'm like a great friend to him and he is one of those few and rare guy friends that you just don't ever want to lose...so if we're such great friends, then please share this with me...I want to be happy for you, too (while secretely hating it of course). I just don't understand that, which is more of the reason what I feel so used by him and my emotions so played. But the other thing that has gotten my heart into a tangle over this is just how much we don't talk anymore. We used to talk all the time. He would call or text or IM to talk anything--> the day, how much work sucks, family, plans, whatever. And now, nothing, he won't return the few and rare instances that I try to contact him. I know I've been trying to pull away from him to protect my heart from falling in love with him even more than I already am; but there has to be something wrong for all lines of communication to be cut off, especially by him. It makes me feel like I was just convenient person for him and maybe not an important friend after all; Someone to talk to and what not when he didn't have what he wanted or was looking for. I'm not some damn ragdoll that he can pick up and play with anytime he feels like it and toss me aside when the better barbie comes along. I loved him and some sick and twisted part of me still does. And while he may never know my true feelings for him, my feelings towards our friendship is changing and I want him to know that....so that he can fix it. I just don't know how I'm going to bring this up with him.
So that's the recap. What have we learned, children?!?!?! Nyquil and Tylenol are good...germs are bad....family drives you nuts....and don't fall in love with stupid boys because they break your heart and cluelessly don't know that they're doing it!!
I'm outtie