Dec 10, 2005 17:02
I just got off from a long Saturday of work. After four years, I realized just how much I know about this college and it scares me because I feel like I have no life outside of here, now do you see my sincere joy at the thought of graduation. But that's all besides the point. I just figured I'd sit and journal seeing as I really haven't expressed myself in any fashion in a very long time. Soooooo what to talk about???
Lately, it's seemed as if my days have been constantly baraided by relationships. It's like everyone's in them and no one hesitates to broadcast EVERY single detail about them. And it's not like I want to be bitter and unhappy for them. I say power to you for being in the company of someone whose companionship you really enjoy; I really am happy for all of my friends who are in wonderful relationships as of late. It all has just got me thinking about the implications of relationships and where it all stands in my life. It's been eight months since my last one ended, and while I was very hurt by it and hung up on it for sometime, I've come to learn to let it go because I actually spared myself a lot of un-needed drama in the long run. But there are still times, a lot especially in the recent months, where I think about the actuality of that relationship and just the person that I was and the ways that I felt.
I miss those feelings and I miss the sort of person that I was. It wasn't that I was necessarily a different person, but I think it was moreso that I was a person with this indescribable aura all about me. I miss the hand holding, the hugs, the cuddling, most especially the fact that I had someone that I could always turn to for a conversation. Not that I was entirely dependent on Ryan (Alfonso) for being the sole person in my life to talk to, but it was great to be able to IM or call someone up whenever to just say hi and chat about anything. And that's something that I've been reflecting on as well: Was I so wrapped up in my relationship that I didn't find time to still talk to my friends? Our relationship was, unfortunately, very short, but I remember still being the sort of friend to my friends that I'd always been prior to being labeled a G/F. Lately, I don't think I've been given that. I am the only one in the majority of my friends who is single right now, but I just sort of feel that it's been like not only am I single from a relationship, but single from my friends as well. A remote attempt at a conversation seems to quickly turn into a long soliloquy about their significant others, as if to say that I was only sought out to talk about that solely. I listen attentively and offer advice when asked, but I've got to be honest...it hurts like hell most of the time.
Hahaha, so much for this entry not making me sound bitter. And the actuality of it all is that I am not bitter, I am so happy that many of my friends have found great people to be in relationships with because they wholeheartedly deserve to be happy in life. I'm just a bit indifferent moreso for myself and the notion of relationships because my hopes of ever being in another one seem to be depleting. It took me 18 years to establish my first real one, and that went South. A second attempt came almost three years later and that went nowhere, and now we have.....???? Good question. And not to mention the added pressure from certain aspects, and by aspects I mean my family, to start to think about my future insofar as relationships are concerned. I think that they sometimes question a lot of things behind my back because I've never brought anyone home, almost as if they doubt whether I'll ever be in a relationship. And that sort of projected doubt gets inherited, so I fear my future possibilities as well. Who knows?!?!? I know that they don't want me to bring just anyone home--> My grandma has this whole shpeal about how he has to be this, that, and the other thing. And God bless her soul when she makes use of the very little English she knows when she says "Sandy, he be good man for you". Yes abuela, I know. And my pop*pop, constantly tells me that he is making himself live to see my wedding day and be able to walk me down the aisle, which is a dream of mine that I've had since I was ten. He's 90, I don't know how much longer any of us has and I want more than anything to have that dream realized for myself, but for him too.
I don't know....these things always seem to arise like clockwork around this time of the year...coincidental about the holidays, huh??
"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."
~Anonymous