My Father
My father is difficult. He's rude, childish, and mean.
& he's not affectionate. That's probably the hardest part. I used to wonder if he really did love my mother. See, my mother is someone who needs hugs, kisses, & "I love you"'s...she's just that loving. & when the man you love doesn't return that same affection...it's heartbreaking. She has cried way too many tears for him.
I guess when he was growing up, he never learned how to say "I love you"...b/c he doesn't say it much now. I used to tell him I loved him, but most of the time, it went unanswered. So I stopped. Every now and then, I'll throw it in at the end of our phone calls...just so he knows.
There are times when he gets so angry at us that he goes crazy...literally. He'll scream, we'll cry...& then he'll leave for a couple hours & not speak to us for a few days.
We were in the car. I was young. My parents were arguing, & my mother struck his last nerve. He slammed down hard on the gas & started screaming. Not shouting...screaming. I looked at his face...& I still see it now. I was terrified. He was so red & angry...I hate that face.
I blamed him for everything that was wrong w/ me. I blamed him for my insecurities, for my inability to open up to people, & for my biggest fear of all: becoming my mother...She was taken advantage of, wasn't respected, & after pouring all of her heart into someone, he broke it. It hurt my mom too much...I didn't want that to happen to me. I blamed my mom for being so weak. She gave up. She resolved in her heart that there was nothing she could do to change him. I loved her with all my heart...but I hated her for that.
Sometimes, I think it would be easier to just hate him. There's no point in loving him & having all of this hope for our family, only for him to shatter it time & time again. It would be easier...& then maybe I wouldn't cry so much.
My mom had to go to Vietnam for awhile. My sister & I were crying b/c we couldn't handle the separation. My dad comforted us...& he cried. It was the first (& only) time I ever saw him cry. Maybe it was b/c he didn't like to see us so upset, but I think he missed my mom. In any case, he made me realize that maybe his heart wasn't so hard.
I strongly believe in accepting & loving people for who they are...but part of that means helping them to better their lives. It sounds contradicting, but trust me - the two go hand in hand. I love my father because he works hard for our family, he never fails to help me when I need him, & in his heart, he wants what's best for us. & for those reasons, I won't stop loving him & I won't give up on helping him to live a better life.
Why is it that doing the right thing is always the hardest? Choosing not to eat that 2nd slice of cake. Studying instead of watching tv. Going to class instead of sleeping. Loving the person who hurts you. But did you ever notice that the best rewards we've received in life were the ones we earned & toiled for? I guess that's how life is...maybe all the sweat and tears make the goal taste that much sweeter (or saltier, but you get my drift :D).
"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle." - Soren Kierkegaard
& he's not affectionate. That's probably the hardest part. I used to wonder if he really did love my mother. See, my mother is someone who needs hugs, kisses, & "I love you"'s...she's just that loving. & when the man you love doesn't return that same affection...it's heartbreaking. She has cried way too many tears for him.
I guess when he was growing up, he never learned how to say "I love you"...b/c he doesn't say it much now. I used to tell him I loved him, but most of the time, it went unanswered. So I stopped. Every now and then, I'll throw it in at the end of our phone calls...just so he knows.
There are times when he gets so angry at us that he goes crazy...literally. He'll scream, we'll cry...& then he'll leave for a couple hours & not speak to us for a few days.
We were in the car. I was young. My parents were arguing, & my mother struck his last nerve. He slammed down hard on the gas & started screaming. Not shouting...screaming. I looked at his face...& I still see it now. I was terrified. He was so red & angry...I hate that face.
I blamed him for everything that was wrong w/ me. I blamed him for my insecurities, for my inability to open up to people, & for my biggest fear of all: becoming my mother...She was taken advantage of, wasn't respected, & after pouring all of her heart into someone, he broke it. It hurt my mom too much...I didn't want that to happen to me. I blamed my mom for being so weak. She gave up. She resolved in her heart that there was nothing she could do to change him. I loved her with all my heart...but I hated her for that.
Sometimes, I think it would be easier to just hate him. There's no point in loving him & having all of this hope for our family, only for him to shatter it time & time again. It would be easier...& then maybe I wouldn't cry so much.
My mom had to go to Vietnam for awhile. My sister & I were crying b/c we couldn't handle the separation. My dad comforted us...& he cried. It was the first (& only) time I ever saw him cry. Maybe it was b/c he didn't like to see us so upset, but I think he missed my mom. In any case, he made me realize that maybe his heart wasn't so hard.
I strongly believe in accepting & loving people for who they are...but part of that means helping them to better their lives. It sounds contradicting, but trust me - the two go hand in hand. I love my father because he works hard for our family, he never fails to help me when I need him, & in his heart, he wants what's best for us. & for those reasons, I won't stop loving him & I won't give up on helping him to live a better life.
Why is it that doing the right thing is always the hardest? Choosing not to eat that 2nd slice of cake. Studying instead of watching tv. Going to class instead of sleeping. Loving the person who hurts you. But did you ever notice that the best rewards we've received in life were the ones we earned & toiled for? I guess that's how life is...maybe all the sweat and tears make the goal taste that much sweeter (or saltier, but you get my drift :D).
"Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him, for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle." - Soren Kierkegaard