(no subject)
Sat down with my mom today. We talked...alot. About everything. First time i've done that in i can't even remember how long. It felt good. It felt so good. Just to talk to her, to listen to her reassure me that the world isn't shit, that people aren't always bad, that there's still some truth in this place. I'd just about lost faith. In people. In the human species as a whole. I guess people recently have started assuming i'm naive because that's the way they've been treating me. Like i'm some kind of idiot. I'm not stupid. I know what's going on. And it hurts. It hurts to watch your friends one by one turn on you, take their cheap shot and run away. I've always been told that your real friends are the ones that are there when no one else will be...so, assuming thats right, what does that say about my friends? Don't get me wrong, i know i'm not the best friend i can be, but at least i make an attempt at being the shoulder they need. And this isn't about everyone. I have good friends. I just thought i had more. I guess i was wrong.
I've been punk'd, played, and backstabbed. I've been yelled at, demoralized, and watched people batter what spirit i have left. I've been lied to, dropped, and kicked aside. I've watched my friends leave, i've watched them make other plans, i watched them move on, and i've been left on my own. And i bet i looked pretty dumb the entire time, cause i had faith that maybe it'd be different, someday. My question is why? Where did i go wrong? Have i not given enough, have i not been there when i was needed, have i not been there when i wasn't needed, have i not sacraficed, have i not cared, have i not loved you enough, have i not shown it, have i not been there to catch your fall, have i not listened, have i not cried, have i not dried your tears, have i not shared my heart and soul, have i not given everything i could to make you happy, have i not been strong enough, have i not?
I didn't intend for this to be some sob-story entry so people would feel bad for me. So if that's how it came off as, i appologize, i just needed to get some stuff out in the open. And i'm sure that some people out there will find this reason enough to make some smart ass comment about whatever. So i say to you take your best shot. Go ahead, i dont care. One more cheap one won't hurt now, because i dont give a shit. I dont care what you think. You're part of the reason that i've lost faith in people. I trusted you, i opened up to you, i made myself vulnerable. So i guess it was my fault when you took advantage of that. It isn't fair to me or the rest of the people in my life. I find myself yet again afraid to trust, unable to open up and be honest. So to those of you out there that really do care and know you're free of guilt, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For being who you said you were. Be patient with me, ok? I'll be able to trust again, eventually.
I miss you
I've been punk'd, played, and backstabbed. I've been yelled at, demoralized, and watched people batter what spirit i have left. I've been lied to, dropped, and kicked aside. I've watched my friends leave, i've watched them make other plans, i watched them move on, and i've been left on my own. And i bet i looked pretty dumb the entire time, cause i had faith that maybe it'd be different, someday. My question is why? Where did i go wrong? Have i not given enough, have i not been there when i was needed, have i not been there when i wasn't needed, have i not sacraficed, have i not cared, have i not loved you enough, have i not shown it, have i not been there to catch your fall, have i not listened, have i not cried, have i not dried your tears, have i not shared my heart and soul, have i not given everything i could to make you happy, have i not been strong enough, have i not?
I didn't intend for this to be some sob-story entry so people would feel bad for me. So if that's how it came off as, i appologize, i just needed to get some stuff out in the open. And i'm sure that some people out there will find this reason enough to make some smart ass comment about whatever. So i say to you take your best shot. Go ahead, i dont care. One more cheap one won't hurt now, because i dont give a shit. I dont care what you think. You're part of the reason that i've lost faith in people. I trusted you, i opened up to you, i made myself vulnerable. So i guess it was my fault when you took advantage of that. It isn't fair to me or the rest of the people in my life. I find myself yet again afraid to trust, unable to open up and be honest. So to those of you out there that really do care and know you're free of guilt, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. For being who you said you were. Be patient with me, ok? I'll be able to trust again, eventually.
I miss you