(no subject)
I really think I've fucked up this time.
I really truly think I've dropped the ball, far and hard, on this one.
I know that this will be so much easier for us.
In the end at least.
This year would be worse than last.
And there might not even be a next summer in Duluth.
We've done so well. So so so so well.
But I already can tell that this isn't going to be what I wanted.
Because in truth, all I wanted was him,
And I think I've lost that.
I know that I have plenty to keep me distracted.
But all I want to do is die when I think about it. (Not literally.)
I never ever thought that I'd be the kind of girl to say this,
But I would truly drop everything I have to be with him.
I'd sell every single fucking thing I own to fly to New York every weekend to be with him.
What the FUCK am I doing?
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have spent the last near three years on this,
If I didn't honestly want every piece of what we have.
We have had the coolest relationship ever.
EVER.
I'm so not ready to move on,
And I know now that I have to be.
I have to have this patience that has never been one of the very few virtues I seem to have.
I'm seriously going crazy.
I can feel myself slipping into this crazy psycho person mode,
That I always promised myself I would never be.
I hate thinking about it.
I hate being with the people that surround me,
because none of them give me what I want.
Which is exactly the one thing that I've lost,
And can't fucking have.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to be doing.
What in God's name am I supposed to be doing?
Seriously.
God,
What the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
Can anyone give me the answers to life?
Because now would be a fan-fucking-tastic time to learn them.
Seriously.
I really truly think I've dropped the ball, far and hard, on this one.
I know that this will be so much easier for us.
In the end at least.
This year would be worse than last.
And there might not even be a next summer in Duluth.
We've done so well. So so so so well.
But I already can tell that this isn't going to be what I wanted.
Because in truth, all I wanted was him,
And I think I've lost that.
I know that I have plenty to keep me distracted.
But all I want to do is die when I think about it. (Not literally.)
I never ever thought that I'd be the kind of girl to say this,
But I would truly drop everything I have to be with him.
I'd sell every single fucking thing I own to fly to New York every weekend to be with him.
What the FUCK am I doing?
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have spent the last near three years on this,
If I didn't honestly want every piece of what we have.
We have had the coolest relationship ever.
EVER.
I'm so not ready to move on,
And I know now that I have to be.
I have to have this patience that has never been one of the very few virtues I seem to have.
I'm seriously going crazy.
I can feel myself slipping into this crazy psycho person mode,
That I always promised myself I would never be.
I hate thinking about it.
I hate being with the people that surround me,
because none of them give me what I want.
Which is exactly the one thing that I've lost,
And can't fucking have.
I don't know how to do this.
I don't fucking know what I'm supposed to be doing.
What in God's name am I supposed to be doing?
Seriously.
God,
What the FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
Can anyone give me the answers to life?
Because now would be a fan-fucking-tastic time to learn them.
Seriously.