liveblogging the oscars: a non-friends-locked entry.
Please note: I'm going off my computer clock which is two minutes slow.
Please note: This doesn't actually matter.
7:42 PM. (I'm starting late.)
What is this nomination announcement thing? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, these awards are going to take FOREVER. Even more forever than most years.
7:43. Tilda Swinton, you are bat-shit crazy and I love it. Also, I loved the montage of past winners-- Maggie Smith and Emma Thompson! British accents! Amy Adams, you are fab.
7:44. Back to Tilda. She's still insane. What is she wearing? Why does she always look like an alien? Could she be any more fab?
[Side note: my mother is proud of me for joining the "A Glass of Wine Solves Everything" group on Facebook.]
7:45. All right, so Penelope Cruz won. I wanted Viola Davis to win, because her big emotional scene in Doubt was absolutely heartbreaking. I think Alien Swinton may have just sucked her brain out through her ear. Yes. Penelope Cruz is still annoying.
7:48: "Find out the winner of Best Animated Picture: will it be Kung Fu Panda, Bolt, or Wall-E?" Um, for the sake of pride in my country, let's hope it's Wall-E.
7:50: I used to want to be a screenwriting major. My parents talked me out of this. Probably for the best-- but I used to practice my Oscars acceptance speech in the shower. Now you all know one of my deepest, darkest secrets.
(That said: I would love to somehow end up at the Oscars. I would go and I would look hot in my rental dress and be a huge nerd and have numerous embarrassing moments. I would liveblog it, too.)
7:51: TINA FEY. MY IDOL. She is so pretty and her dress is so sparkly.
7:55: Yay Milk. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm dying to. This guy's speech is going to make me cry, I can tell.
7:56: Okay, only almost-tears. My god loves gays too.
7:59: First Slumdog win of the night. I could have handled any of those winners. Why does his suit look like it's pleather? My mom and I are still texting about Tilda Swinton and her oddness.
8:01: Are they going to flash to Angelina Jolie when Jennifer Aniston talks? Also, didn't Jennifer Aniston wear this dress several times before to various awards shows?
8:03: The music on this montage is making my eardrums bleed.
8:05: All right, my faith in humanity remains intact. Wall-E was fab.
8:17: Sarah Jessica Parker, it's not your junior prom.
8:26: I feel like there is nothing romantic about Mickey Rourke. But maybe that's just me.
8:29: What's going on? Natalie Portman looks prom-ish, but cuter than SJP. Is this Joaquin Phoenix's nervous breakdown?
8:36: Jessica Biel's dress is ugly. She should have had it steamed. Or chosen something else.
8:42: Does Mickey Rourke actually staple-gun money to his face in The Wrestler?! Oh my God! Definitely not seeing that. Also, wasn't Janusz Kaminski married to Holly Hunter for a while? Why do I know that?
8:54: OH MY GOD. This musical montage is ridiculous. Are we really including High School Musical among the likes of Grease, Moulin Rouge, and West Side Story, or have I been smoking crack without my own knowledge?
8:59: Christopher Walken! A million years ago. I love him. Remember when he hosted SNL last year and was clearly reading cue cards the entire time?
9:00: Denzel Washington. My love in life. Until George Clooney comes along.
9:01: Philip Seymour Hoffman. I love you, but what is on your head?
9:05: Sadness, Kevin Kline talking about Heath Ledger.
9:07: I could never get up and accept an Oscar on behalf of a deceased family member. I can't even imagine. But they are doing wonderfully.
9:14: That guy just balanced his trophy on his chin! Change of pace!
9:16: Whoa, chin. Joanna just pointed out that this woman clearly does not wear dresses often.
9:29: My roommate has never heard of Slumdog Millionaire? Yeah. I'm slacking.
10:23: I'M SLACKING HARD-CORE. We just made jokes about Marlee Matlin's hair.
10:24: What is Sophia Loren wearing?! Did she walk out of the 1980s? For real. Marion Cotillard is fab, though, and I now want to watch La Vie en Rose.
10:26: Kate Winslet doesn't look as lovely as she usually does.
10:27: Why is everyone dressed like they're going to prom? For real?
10:29: I wish Nicole Kidman didn't have so much Botox, but it looks like she's laying off lately. That's pleasing. Now if only she'd go back to her ginger-ness.
10:31: Kate Winslet is a nerd like me too. I wish I could be her stylist for the evening.
10:41: Prime creeper Mickey Rourke didn't win. Goodness. I'm happy for Sean Penn but this does nothing good for my desperate need to see Milk ASAP.
[Side note: I love it when I see professors whose classes I sometimes fail to attend in the caf on Sunday mornings. It's grand.]
10:51: Yay, Slumdog Millionaire. It's the only movie I can cheer for because it's the only one I've seen, but still.