i'm ready to embrace again
i was finally able to let go tonight, because for months i haven't been able to shed a single tear, not one. losing everything kept stored up felt good and, as it turns out, the only shoulder i really needed to cry on was my own. for the first time in my life, it just felt better to be alone and have to keep up with only myself. in the face of everything that suddenly changed, within me and without me, i lagged behind while time kept passing...almost like a trip to new york city i took a few years back. the glamour of the city was all so unpredictable and new, and yet, while there was something innately beautiful about it all, i would have given anything to be back home sitting on the wooden benches near the beach at the end of SR64 talking with a friend or drinking coffee after the crowd watching the sun set dispersed.
so now i've found myself glad to come home, to once again find solace among my alotted, red-walled space (a welcome change from the cement blocked, white painted, arctic hysteria-ed one i get at school). and solace have i found! in my quiet return to the paths and patterns i used to walk along these floors every day...and other frequenters of my home walked for nearly two years...i am given a chance to let it all sink in as deeply as possible, as deeply as possible. however, sometimes it almost feels like nothing has changed when i wake up again in the morning. when the reality of my situation...two colleges in one year, a lost and found game of love, a crisis of faith, friendships with people whom i never thought i could befriend, a tireless effort to "ruffle the feathers" of an institution, a mind desperately trying to express itself creatively, and a home in no city but in almost four...when it all finally dawns on me, i find myself wondering how the hell so much can change so quickly (ironically, the answer to this is years of relatively little change).
and although it may sound like i'm shrinking from my future to find safety somewhere it can't be found anymore...i honestly couldn't be more simultaneously nervously thrilled and ready to catch up again. if there is anything to be learned in the history books i've poured myself over religiously this semester, it is that there are no real "breaks" in the history of anything, no sudden explosion that derails time from itself and everything else...time is the epitome of continuity.
i have never been more grateful for all of the people in my life. change is inevitable, and all of you have made a contribution to the tears i am shedding, and you deserve every one. i'm sorry that i haven't given them to you before now.
so now i've found myself glad to come home, to once again find solace among my alotted, red-walled space (a welcome change from the cement blocked, white painted, arctic hysteria-ed one i get at school). and solace have i found! in my quiet return to the paths and patterns i used to walk along these floors every day...and other frequenters of my home walked for nearly two years...i am given a chance to let it all sink in as deeply as possible, as deeply as possible. however, sometimes it almost feels like nothing has changed when i wake up again in the morning. when the reality of my situation...two colleges in one year, a lost and found game of love, a crisis of faith, friendships with people whom i never thought i could befriend, a tireless effort to "ruffle the feathers" of an institution, a mind desperately trying to express itself creatively, and a home in no city but in almost four...when it all finally dawns on me, i find myself wondering how the hell so much can change so quickly (ironically, the answer to this is years of relatively little change).
and although it may sound like i'm shrinking from my future to find safety somewhere it can't be found anymore...i honestly couldn't be more simultaneously nervously thrilled and ready to catch up again. if there is anything to be learned in the history books i've poured myself over religiously this semester, it is that there are no real "breaks" in the history of anything, no sudden explosion that derails time from itself and everything else...time is the epitome of continuity.
i have never been more grateful for all of the people in my life. change is inevitable, and all of you have made a contribution to the tears i am shedding, and you deserve every one. i'm sorry that i haven't given them to you before now.