Trust me, I know how serious this all is, but if I could really stop, I so would. This.. is something that I'm finding it so bloody hard to get rid of. I know how fucked up and wrong it all is, yet... some days I can barely force myself to eat a salad, and still end up with anxiety attacks from hell for it. If I could afford it, I would go back in therapy. I hate 'living' like this. It is not easy. It sucks. I've seen more movies on EDs, been to clinics and know every danger and reason to not do any of the shit I'm compelled to do. It's like a drug. I'll stop posting about it on here so it won't upset you more, but... really. I know I'm killing myself, but believe it or not, it's so much more than just a quest for beauty. It's so much deeper than that. Rather quite like cutting or drug use, it's a way to cope, and there's nothing else to match the feelings I get out of it.
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