(no subject)
so, it looks like marisa and i are broken up.
it's kind of funny. we broke up because i can't wait months or even years to mature and be unhappy while i'm doing it. these past 3 weeks have been really shity. we haven't kissed, hugged, even really touched in the last 3 weeks. i can't do that. i need that. so, we're broken up and she thinks it's going to give me time to mature. well, i know that's not going to happen. it's not in spite of her. it's that she was the reason i wanted to mature. i don't have her, i don't have a reason.
i've already started smoking again. heavily drinking will soon follow, i'm sure. i don't think she got that i only wanted to be a better person FOR her. now i'll have no motivation to do the responsable thing. no reason to ask myself if i need to stop. this could be that downward spiral i was afraid of whenever i started really getting into her. you can only climb so many steps before you go down the slide. the higher you are, the faster you go. i'm scared.
maybe if i just bury myself in work. i can pick up another job during the holiday at the ice rink. then, i work in the morning (6am), get off in the afternoon, go upstairs and work till 10pm. then, on my days off, i can go to work at dog and duck and sleep in in the morning. yeah, sure. it'll keep me out of the house so i only have to see her at work. when i do come home, i can just make sure i have an available amount of booze or beer. drink myself to sleep like i used to. sounds like a plan. i'll get to that today. starting monday, i need to open an account with a bank. get some $ saaved and move to portland when this lease is up and get the fuck out of this town. it's driving me crazy here. i feel like if i don't leave, i never will.
ok, there it is. my little "we broke up" thing. if anyone wanted to come down drinking with me, now would be a good time. i could use the company.
it's kind of funny. we broke up because i can't wait months or even years to mature and be unhappy while i'm doing it. these past 3 weeks have been really shity. we haven't kissed, hugged, even really touched in the last 3 weeks. i can't do that. i need that. so, we're broken up and she thinks it's going to give me time to mature. well, i know that's not going to happen. it's not in spite of her. it's that she was the reason i wanted to mature. i don't have her, i don't have a reason.
i've already started smoking again. heavily drinking will soon follow, i'm sure. i don't think she got that i only wanted to be a better person FOR her. now i'll have no motivation to do the responsable thing. no reason to ask myself if i need to stop. this could be that downward spiral i was afraid of whenever i started really getting into her. you can only climb so many steps before you go down the slide. the higher you are, the faster you go. i'm scared.
maybe if i just bury myself in work. i can pick up another job during the holiday at the ice rink. then, i work in the morning (6am), get off in the afternoon, go upstairs and work till 10pm. then, on my days off, i can go to work at dog and duck and sleep in in the morning. yeah, sure. it'll keep me out of the house so i only have to see her at work. when i do come home, i can just make sure i have an available amount of booze or beer. drink myself to sleep like i used to. sounds like a plan. i'll get to that today. starting monday, i need to open an account with a bank. get some $ saaved and move to portland when this lease is up and get the fuck out of this town. it's driving me crazy here. i feel like if i don't leave, i never will.
ok, there it is. my little "we broke up" thing. if anyone wanted to come down drinking with me, now would be a good time. i could use the company.