(no subject)
I guess it's been a year and a half since I last wrote in this journal. I finally have interesting things to say! Or I'm just thinking about stuff and am sick of talking to the people around me.
I'm touring with some friends' band from Denver called Roskopp, and this morning we're in Portland. They're grindcore and mostly boring to me, but being a good band cheerleader I start off their set pushing everyone around and getting the tough guy blockheads to move their carcasses. We've played at Off the Grid in Sacramento and Burnt Ramen in Richmond (right next to Oakland) then last night at Chances in Portland. I sat at the edge of the roaring ocean on a black night in northern California and that was pretty humbling and amazing, and yesterday I touched thousand-year-old trees standing 150 feet tall. Sometimes feeling small and insignificant is relieving.
I've been feeling lost lately in Denver and on this tour, wondering what to do with my life and why I can't just punk out some black denim and become part of this community I'm always hanging around. I feel like a teenager again, searching for my pack and my identity. I've squelched another 2-year relationship, which was much easier now that I know my system: hang out and make out as much as possible until it hurts less. Mostly, I'm having a good time. But damn I feel so lost when I stop moving. This reminds me why I shouldn't be in relationships at all, because they define and distract me, and I don't even notice until they're gone. But what's not a distraction, really, and what am I distracting from? I also live in a busy, busy punk house and 15 people on the porch is pretty distracting.
Point is, I am a completely untapped resource. I am fucking smart, I'm a good friend, I have ideas. I can run 5 miles, bench 80 lbs and will wrestle anybody. I'm dependable, responsible, full of creative energy and good at touching people. I should be doing something, but I don't know what it is yet. Something.
I'm finally charting my cycles, trying to decipher when I ovulate, but the problem is that when I'm ovulating I'm sleeping somewhere else (pheromones work!), or I'm riding in a van with a bunch of dudes up the west coast eating bullshit. I don't think I'm dropping any eggs this month. When I do, though, I'll be ready, thermometer in hand.
I'm touring with some friends' band from Denver called Roskopp, and this morning we're in Portland. They're grindcore and mostly boring to me, but being a good band cheerleader I start off their set pushing everyone around and getting the tough guy blockheads to move their carcasses. We've played at Off the Grid in Sacramento and Burnt Ramen in Richmond (right next to Oakland) then last night at Chances in Portland. I sat at the edge of the roaring ocean on a black night in northern California and that was pretty humbling and amazing, and yesterday I touched thousand-year-old trees standing 150 feet tall. Sometimes feeling small and insignificant is relieving.
I've been feeling lost lately in Denver and on this tour, wondering what to do with my life and why I can't just punk out some black denim and become part of this community I'm always hanging around. I feel like a teenager again, searching for my pack and my identity. I've squelched another 2-year relationship, which was much easier now that I know my system: hang out and make out as much as possible until it hurts less. Mostly, I'm having a good time. But damn I feel so lost when I stop moving. This reminds me why I shouldn't be in relationships at all, because they define and distract me, and I don't even notice until they're gone. But what's not a distraction, really, and what am I distracting from? I also live in a busy, busy punk house and 15 people on the porch is pretty distracting.
Point is, I am a completely untapped resource. I am fucking smart, I'm a good friend, I have ideas. I can run 5 miles, bench 80 lbs and will wrestle anybody. I'm dependable, responsible, full of creative energy and good at touching people. I should be doing something, but I don't know what it is yet. Something.
I'm finally charting my cycles, trying to decipher when I ovulate, but the problem is that when I'm ovulating I'm sleeping somewhere else (pheromones work!), or I'm riding in a van with a bunch of dudes up the west coast eating bullshit. I don't think I'm dropping any eggs this month. When I do, though, I'll be ready, thermometer in hand.