what it is to not want.

[ihatewednesday]

there are aspects in my life that i would knife out in a second if i could or things i would change if i had the will to do so. i am in a constant cycle of emotion and it's turning my insides out.

there are certain things that i want for me.
if i could have them, i would be content with them for the rest of my life. it may be selfish of me to want certain things...to want happiness, even if i'm not deserving of them as such.
they are simple things, so simple in a way that i'm sure anyone could get them. but they are so far from me i cannot not glimpse them.

i want to wake up in the morning and not worry.

i want to go through a day, walk down a hall, have a conversation with someone, and not second guess myself.

i want a best friend i can depend on.

i want my dad to accept me for who i am, believe that i'm not like one of those kids he picks up off the streets.

i want my mom to want me to make my own decisions.

i want some idea as to what i want to do in my future.

i want to feel that i deserve more than i have.

i want to have something to say in the sense that someone who loves me will listen to it.

i want someone to take care of, someone who will take care of me.

i want to feel whole, no pieces missing.

i want someone to relate to. someone who sees me, understands, and loves me for me.

i want people to understand that i am not how i used to be. i am not some broken down shell that needs sympathy and begs for help. i am not some emotional wreck praying to be returned to my previous state. i am not like how i was after me and kevin.

but most of all, i want to want nothing at all. i want to be content with just what i have and make the most of it. but it is hard for me when there is so much that i do not have. i look at my life and i want.

and it will probably always be like this...