"There is nowhere to hide in a room so full of eyes'
I'm an alcoholic and I'm thinking about going into some kind of rehab after I'm out of school. It's not a problem right now but I can see it being one when I'm not taking classes.
I'm not sure if it's alcohol or depression, but either way, alcohol could leave.
I wish I had someone who understood all the bullshit that's happening right now. Or even cared. Seriously. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'd find a way to disappear if I wasn't such a pussy.
I think the hardest part will be giving up gourmet beers. I can eat certain good food and immediately think "A nice light lager would go well with this. I'll go grab one" or whatever, and it'd have nothing to do with alcohol.
I can't drink like a normal person. I tried to have a beer or two and go to bed tonight. I ended up drinking 2 Four Loko and a bunch of whiskey. I'm probably going to smoke a bunch of k2 also. And this is why I'm not sure if I'm a dependent alcoholic or if I'm just an insomniac who needs to be on the brink of death before I can go to sleep.
I'm not positive I want to do anything because I don't know if the alcohol is counteracting the insomnia. I'd rather get drunk at night than not sleep ever. Worst case scenario when I get drunk at night: I have a hangover. Worst case scenario when I don't sleep: I die because I pass out at the wheel.
In the time its taken me to type this bullshit I've almost completely talked myself out of everything. But I think just typing it is a big step, right? Whatever. I have another half-bottle of whiskey to drink in the next 15 minutes so I'd better get to work (ha!(okay, I'm serious)).
Edit: I just got done talking to my Brother about finding AA stuff for me. Lets see how this goes.
I think if I could find a nice girl who didn't just fuck one of my friends because they called them pretty I'd be fine. But check this out: I'm more well spoken while vomit-drunk than most everyone I know while they're sober. I'm doing something with my life. I've never cheated on a girlfriend ever. I have all the qualities a girl (supposedly) asks for besides a fucking hard body (which, by the way, fuck that. I have better cardio and more strength than most 'hard bodys' I know) and I get bypassed for what? Matt/Tony? Everyone knows I love both of them, but FUCK. When they get every girl we know and I get.. Nothing. It starts to wear on you. What do they have that I don't? Or, better yet, what do I have that drives everyone away that they don't? Rabble rabble this shit doesn't matter.
Holyfuckingshit this entry is 100x longer than I expected it to be. There's so much more shit that I want to type but I'm just going to go get more fucked up instead. Cheers.
I'm not sure if it's alcohol or depression, but either way, alcohol could leave.
I wish I had someone who understood all the bullshit that's happening right now. Or even cared. Seriously. I've never felt so alone in my life. I'd find a way to disappear if I wasn't such a pussy.
I think the hardest part will be giving up gourmet beers. I can eat certain good food and immediately think "A nice light lager would go well with this. I'll go grab one" or whatever, and it'd have nothing to do with alcohol.
I can't drink like a normal person. I tried to have a beer or two and go to bed tonight. I ended up drinking 2 Four Loko and a bunch of whiskey. I'm probably going to smoke a bunch of k2 also. And this is why I'm not sure if I'm a dependent alcoholic or if I'm just an insomniac who needs to be on the brink of death before I can go to sleep.
I'm not positive I want to do anything because I don't know if the alcohol is counteracting the insomnia. I'd rather get drunk at night than not sleep ever. Worst case scenario when I get drunk at night: I have a hangover. Worst case scenario when I don't sleep: I die because I pass out at the wheel.
In the time its taken me to type this bullshit I've almost completely talked myself out of everything. But I think just typing it is a big step, right? Whatever. I have another half-bottle of whiskey to drink in the next 15 minutes so I'd better get to work (ha!(okay, I'm serious)).
Edit: I just got done talking to my Brother about finding AA stuff for me. Lets see how this goes.
I think if I could find a nice girl who didn't just fuck one of my friends because they called them pretty I'd be fine. But check this out: I'm more well spoken while vomit-drunk than most everyone I know while they're sober. I'm doing something with my life. I've never cheated on a girlfriend ever. I have all the qualities a girl (supposedly) asks for besides a fucking hard body (which, by the way, fuck that. I have better cardio and more strength than most 'hard bodys' I know) and I get bypassed for what? Matt/Tony? Everyone knows I love both of them, but FUCK. When they get every girl we know and I get.. Nothing. It starts to wear on you. What do they have that I don't? Or, better yet, what do I have that drives everyone away that they don't? Rabble rabble this shit doesn't matter.
Holyfuckingshit this entry is 100x longer than I expected it to be. There's so much more shit that I want to type but I'm just going to go get more fucked up instead. Cheers.